The rest of the story...

I've mentioned in a previous video newsletter that I am starting to show up on Instagram differently. I want to find ways to build more connections outside of apps and scrolls and feeds and such. I want this list to be what builds. And…my thought is…if someone subscribes, they are saying a deeper yes to my medicine and I'm all about positive reinforcement. So, I have been giving social media less of me so I can give this list more of me. AND…then my ReWilders get all of me! (doors open in September)


There is so much more to me than what you see on social media. Social media seems to be the highlight reel of one's life and I'm starting to accept that. AND…because it doesn't taste great in my mouth, I am experimenting with new ideas for my voice…like this blog post here. (is it even a blog anymore? Isn't blogging, like, SO 7 years ago?!?!)


All this is leading me to tell you the rest of the story from an Instagram post.


 Winter comes over around 8:30am. She reminds me again of how much she loves how "real" I am and I kinda have to make myself receive the compliment...but it is one of my favorites to receive. Truth is...I'm puzzled by it a bit because it's hard NOT to be real. Truth is…I'm the level of real she loves when I'm in an environment my body and spirit feel safe in. If someone either feels safe or proves themselves to not feel safe, then they get a less real version of me. I like what Brene' Brown says…"not everyone deserves your vulnerability". Winter is the kind of woman who makes vulnerability fun …so it's easier to be real and vulnerable with her.


Winter has paddleboards and invited to take me out paddleboarding. What she didn't know until she came to my house that morning is that I HATE being in the water. I've been in a lot of it in my life. As a kid I was a great at water skiing because I didn't want to be in the water and would often stay up longer than was good for me because I dreaded the float-waiting to be picked up. I can't swim-swim…only doggy paddle. More than once, in a body of water, something grabbed my ankle or shin, tugged on me, and let go. Freaked me the fuck out. And because my emotions about it at the time were treated with dismissal, annoyance, shame, and anger…there is some trauma there.




Knowing there is trauma around water is why I said yes to the paddleboarding. Knowing I would be thrust into anxiety, trauma burn, and general hot-mess-ness is why I wanted to do it. I know that I have to do the things I'm triggered over and give my emotional self the treatment it needs/deserves to overcome trauma.


Before she got to my home that day, I had already mothered myself into some agreements that were evolutionary AND safe. "Even if I don't stand up on the board, and have fun, then that is okay." "Even if I only enjoy it for 15 minutes, I will get my ass to land and wait until she's done…and it will be okay for me to do this." "It's okay to be embarrassed". Etc. This self-talk brought me the agreements that moved me forward. And bless my daughter…when she found out what I was doing she was shocked! "Mom, just you saying yes to this is huge for you". That was probably the most validating and mothering of them all, and being seen by her in this way empowered the crap out of me. All those lil' parts of me relaxed and said "hell yeah! This is huge and now we can do a little bit more".


Winter and I enjoy the morning with coffee on my newly built deck for awhile and then we decide it's time to get going. We found a small lake about 20 minutes away and walk in to see if it will work for us. It will, it's hella cute, and I didn't even know it was there. We walk back to her rig to get the boards and decide to try the other road to see if we can drive down to the lake from another direction. We can't. But in the quest of this, Winter's Element got her first off-road drive and that was exciting.


When we get back to where we began, there was a car there. Winter firmly declared we aren't doing it if people are there. So we headed back to the road to go somewhere else. From here it just goes into a spontaneous tornado of awesome and we just rode it out. The tummies were rumbling so we went to my daughters work for lunch. Winter speaks her truth and says it's now too cold to paddleboard. And I didn't disagree. She asked me with a joking curl to her mouth if I was upset by that. And honestly, I was in the sense that I was ready to overcome some water trauma…and I wasn't in the sense that it was not mid-day and I needed a nap. We decided to reschedule paddleboarding in the next month or so and hit a couple more spots of spontaneous awesome before she went home.


After she left I was trying to nap (didn't get one though because my nerves were to stimulated), and kept hearing her question in my bones…."are you disappointed that we aren't' going now?". I poked several parts of me to see if any where harboring some demons or saboteurs that I need to flesh out in this question and I really didn't. The most amazing thing about having a growth mindset is that every now and then you get a wallop of "wow, I genuinely feel this truth that makes me proud of who I am". I genuinely felt disappointed that we didn't go. This feels like a beautiful surprise…a becoming of a stronger me…a piece of evidence in favor of "working" on myself all year long and not just when I'm in the underworld and it hurts and it's obvious I'm in some shit. The awareness that I was disappointed that I didn't do the thing I was terrified of has created a door inside me that I will open soon and get to know a whole new part of me that I can already smell on the winds of my inner world…and I like her already.


This is why I ReWild Wholeness…so I can own the growth & empowerment. This is why I do it all year long and not just for a couple of months or once a month or 8 times a year. It's a growth mindset…and one that mirrors the mystical, the ancients, and the power of Nature. Doors open in September and it's a time when people can leave or enter and we begin another season…the dark side of the year. I’m giving you a longer that usual time to prepare this time. ;)


REFLECTIONS:::sink in and ask yourself…

What haven't you done because of trauma? What one step can you take to overcome it? Even if that step is saying yes to doing it and not getting to do it! What is that step. Will you take it? Consider ReWilding Wholeness as a place to pick the bones of it.

SHOUT OUT:::you will sometimes find me in Winter’s Monday morning Primal Vinyasa class at Yoga Union in Portland. If you are in Portland…GO THERE! The café in the building is amaze-balls. Winter is co-owner of Prema Health, a wellness center in the Yoga Union building. I’ve had some private sessions with her this year that have not only kicked my ass in a good way, she has given me things to do at home to focus the mind/body connection that really amps up what I’ve learned in PV training with Annie. AND…they sell my skin food at Prema….so if you are in Portland, Oregon…get your cute lil’ tooshy over to this hamlet in the city and soak in some self-care.