The eyes of waning Summer

Sometimes the best thing I can do for myself is a whole lotta nothin'.  #andsoitis #midweekweekend #ilovethislifenow #savoringsummer16

Sometimes the best thing I can do for myself is a whole lotta nothin'.
#andsoitis #midweekweekend #ilovethislifenow #savoringsummer16

Sitting outside in my strapless summer dress. Coffee in my coveted cauldron mug. Life book. And this luscious waning summer...warm and crisp perfection. I have recently spoke a very scary truth...I hate summer. It is a season of barely getting by energetically and I don’t love it like I “should”. Lammas can’t come soon enough for me. Now that it has and summer is waning...making room for fall...I can see the beauty again and I’m savoring the shit out of it.

 

This morning air reeks of shocking silence that follows the awareness that the season of turning in, going deep, and getting real. That sticky, sultry silence of itemizing what  is still not done. That pulsing silence that whispers of regret and mourning what you know cannot get done.

 

This morning air reeks of soft action and brutal compassion that seems to say…let it all go and enjoy today. What can be done is what will get done and that is enough. What isn’t done deserves some gestation during the winter and will be an easy joy to produce next season of turning outward. For now, let it all go and enjoy this day. You have done so much. Look at what you have done. See this checked off project list with the eyes of this luscious waning summer air...what do you see?

 

These eyes see how perfection is noticing the mess with affection and acceptance. These eyes know that to be of nature is to change slowly over time...not all in one season. These eyes see how healing isn’t a big bang...it’s made up of many little magical moments happening in every day, in any moment, all season long, every season, all life long. These eyes have no expectation of self of shift...all they see is now...all they know is now. These eyes know that life is a cauldron of tiny moments of change and every tiny moment is a molecule in the whole being of being a being of nature.


Slow and steady. These eyes. This air. Waning summer. Letting go and letting in. Slow and steady.

 

What do you see?

Rage, Solutions, & Sacred Listening

ragetosolutions

Good morning life. I am grateful for the mourning me and my people are feeling. Please help us move our rage into solutions that honor and ensure individual liberty and empowerment. Sacred life, thank you for this pain in my heart and anger in my gut. It feels good to feel this bad. #trailblazingwholeness #humancomesinmanycolors #sacredindividualist #praying

 This week on my alter of life I call Instagram (I'm thinking this is my new way of blogging) I shared this morning prayer I created with my heart, a bee, and my lavender plant. This moment was my breakthrough from a weeks-long break down. This moment was my sacred human-ness in progress. That moment was yet another reminder from that Great Mystery is within me as much as it is around me.That morning sun, that bee, that lavender gave me a much needed shift after weeks of not sleeping...a new development. Conversations that will never be heard were duking it out in my mind for hours and hours as I lay there trying to sleep. All of my unheard responses to the tragic deaths and abuses of power. All my rage at dog killing festivals and political corruption. All the demons in me coming out to play with the demons being flung at my consciousness. I tried all my mindful, meditative, shamanic and yogic tools to calm that shit down and get some sleep. It wouldn't. For days and days and days...okay, nights, really, but you know what I mean, right? It's maddening and exhausting. A girls gotta sleep. Nothing worked...until that moment of prayer and loving of what my truth really is. Truth is, the rage that waged in these conversations really needed heard by me before I could even be OPEN enough to CONSIDER solutions from my point of view. So, I surrendered to the fire of it all. I fell into the abyss of this fear, anger, rage, and blame. I let the wild abandon of mourning become every breath. I had to immerse my self into it...let it penetrate me...so I could embody it...and from the Earth in my body I found the magic to digest, sort through, break down, separate, and move from the fuel of heat and shit being flung around in my country and my world. Truth is, all sides want to be right ...and heard. There is so much to be healed when it is heard. The hard part is to internally switch after you've been heard into the one who is open to hearing with the same sacred ears you want to be heard with. But we can do it if we really want a new way of being and doing. "No matter who you are...not being heard only fuels rage, resentment, and resistance to real solutions that honor all." Want to be heard? Try hearing first. Really hearing. Sacred listening kind of hearing. Ask for solutions from them before you offer any of your own. Can we start with ourselves? Sacredly listen to your small-self, your wounded self, your brightest self, your wise self. Do this inside first can create your very own pathway to doing it outside yourself. Establishing the practice of listening sacredly to the inner dialogue first builds the confidence and cadence of voicing your truest truths to be heard beyond words by those you interact with. Now, we don't have to agree to understand the other. We don't even need to agree, or understand to accept and support the other. We DO need to remember the wild...remember our own personal rituals and ways. We DO need to remember everyone suffers in some way and that tragedy is not going to be fixed by peace...that even if "we all get along", sad things will still happen that hurt and cause pain. "One-sided-vision is the box where empowerment is paralyzed and freedoms are exterminated." This summer is burning me...us...them. This summer is boiling our senses and wreaking havoc on our sensibilities. May we all return to our dailies...our practices...our rituals...our centers. May we all do our best...reflect before react...may we discover solutions in the raging fires of pain. Blessed be. So. Much. Love. Nissa PS...Full moon bone readings will be offered again in the next couple of days. If you would like to be held in a powerful sacred space of guidance and healing...keep your eyes peeled for it in your email inbox. (that is, if you are on the list)

A Mother...The Mother...and Choosing them Both

Over a year ago, Lindsay Luna of Alter & Leaf Apotheca asked for guest blogger for her powerful tea coven. This is what I wrote for her and her tribe with the addition of expanded content that my heart had to add...and it feels time to share it with you...

MOTHER

Mother. A female parent. But, what does this mean? A role. A job. An essence. A voice within. I am a mother to a daughter. I am a daughter to the mother within me. My mother wound is rooted in me being a daughter...it's the daughter part of me that feels the pain of the mother wound. My mother wound begins healing from the mother within me. And this requires a hell-of-a lot more than a job. It needs the support of THE mother...in all her sacred ways.

 

Confession::


I never wanted to be a mother. I am selfish and ambitious. I didn't want to continue the bloodlines of my matriarchy, for I don't find them to be something I'd be proud to pass on. So, when I found myself knocked up at 21, by a man-boy I didn't love and who didn't treat me well, I had to declare war on those bloodlines. To stand in this lifetime as the warrior and the fool. My inner warrior defends the fool in me. The fool is in constant beginning again to keep my actions as a mother open to change. To keep me optimistic and willing to create the vision of a new direction for the descendants of a very broken and unhealthy bloodline. Being a mother has never been an easy shoe for me to put on. It doesn't come naturally. I'm tough. I'm alpha. Birthing my daughter freed my heart to have a say in life. Becoming a mother, and choosing to be the mother gives me who I am today....and tomorrow...and a year from now. My sacred mothering rule book is in constant edit...as is my life.


I see a difference between being A mother and being THE mother. And I am proud of the moments I show up as THE mother when I am being a mother to my child. These moments...steps towards healing the wounds I carry from being a daughter. These moments...steps away from the stories of my past, weaving new stories of now that shoot ahead of me to carve out a trail for me to travel. A trail of tossing the book of motherhood I endured as a daughter...the same book that was shoved down my throat...the same book that haunts my breath with whispers of doubt...the same book that I choose often to no longer agree with.

 

The actions I choose write the story of the mothering rule book I am writing for ME. A book I will not force onto my daughter. A book I will edit for the rest of my life. On a regular basis, I choose to toss out the mothering rule book that was forced on me and still cycles around with whispers in my blood and DNA. Often, I must remember that I do not agree with those coded messages. I follow that with remembering what I do agree with...and what is true is almost always something I know or feel in the current moment. Tossing out the mothering rule book is one way to define and begin being your own mother...to and for yourself...to and for your family...to and for your creations.


A mother does. She is active. Doing the things that take care of those in her care. A mother puts others first as to be in service with love. Often so much that she is left depleted, sacrificed, and compromised. She may be found exhausted, wild-eyed, and on edge. Been there. Done that. Still do it, I am human after all. And doing gets shit done...a very clear and present responsibility in the heart of a mama.


THE mother is an aspect in all beings that can be activated and utilized to embody a divine feminine from our souls. I have seen the mother in my husband when he comforts me instead of fixing me. I have seen it in my dogs when they sit by me in times of trepidation...silent, still, and radiating love presence. I know it's power when I defend my daughter's right to be who she is. I see it in my sacred sisters when they love me through a tough time...without expectation...without judgment...and lots of space for me to roam my path. I see the mother in a women without a child who mothers her art, passions, and creations. The mother is the life essence necessary for any creative path. An idea remains formless without the gifts of the mother to gestate it's form, nurture it's essence, and birth it into the world. I see it in child-less women who give pure, present love to all children and beings around them. I know several women without children who embody and live the mother so much better than I do as a mother.


When I am A mother I talk too much, guide too fast, and schedule too strongly. When I am a mother, I mindlessly reply “I love you too” and get back the duties of a mother. I will frequently project rationalization into the pain one is feeling in order to clean up the emotional mess and get back to what needs to get done. Being a mother to me is quite bluntly, a job. A shit-ton of work goes into feeling like I'm doing a good job. It feels like scarcity and sacrifice and worry. It feels like auto-pilot. An act. A script I've memorized at some distant past time.


When I am THE mother I listen with sacred ears, witness as human to human, and remember to play. When I am the mother, I halt time and space to fully feel the hug or the tears. When I am the mother, I am the world to my family. Their world. Our world. The world that provides our family environment. I direct the quality of the air in our home, standing as guardian to communication and truths being told. Encouraging ideas to be created and birthed. The mother in me lights the inner fires for all to see their own way. Tending to those fires and dancing in celebration around their flames. I am the steward of the watersheds by making sure I rain as much as they do. Occasionally undamming the retained emotions that allows for flow and healing. As the mother, I am the earth that quakes with direction and leadership. I ensure the ground we walk on is nourished and solid. When I am the mother, I feel spacious. Soft. Strong. Welcoming. Worthy.


When I am a mother, I tell myself I have to take care of everything and everyone. When I am the mother, I slow down while welcoming the receiving of help, support, and adoration.


Being A mother is a choice I only had to make once.


Being THE mother is a choice I have to make every moment of every day.


And sometimes I fail. Miserably. This is when I turn to the mother that is greater than me. Nature. She models to me all I need to be the mother. She reminds me that connection, observation, seeing the unseen, and being held in my roots is the key to my super power as the mother. She reflects to me the power in being my own mother so I can be a mother I am proud of.


A mother DOES.
The mother IS.
All mothers matter.


Soul Craft Time! Ask yourself these questions or respond to them in a journal:

  • As a child, what am I missing from my mother
  • How can I give this to myself?
  • How can I give this to others?
  • What qualities or feelings do I value about my mother?
  • What qualities in me are covered up by her?
  • What aspect or part of me is aching to be liberated from that confinement?
  • Who will I be without this restraint?
  • What am I doing with this freedom?
  • I forgive...
  • My ideal mother is....
  • I can be that by....

Now, take some deep breaths and settle into your body. If you are familiar with the smudging ritual, I invite you to clear and create your sacred space. If not, just step away from your day, get into a relaxed and open position and enjoy this sacred sound track, it holds the intention of healing the stories. You are invited, and granted permission to heal, empower, fill up, release, activate, and allow all that you need to right now to bring into balanced wholeness THE mother within you.


When you are done, take some time to reflect, inquire, declare any shifts you may be feeling. Is there anything different? What? How is your mind? Your heart? Your body? Your soul? Did any spirit guides show up? What did they show you? Owing and declaring the shifts your create bring your stories of now to life.

 

Comment below to get a witness and celebration!


Blessings to you of knowing and being THE mother when you are in the actions of being A mother.
Big love to you,

Nissa

 

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Mother_graphic

Start where you are...and get to know your own rhythm

Every year the questions haunt me..."did I start too early?...did I too late?" Every year is different with what the land needs or does. What I am learning is that it doesn't matter when I "should" start...what matters is that I start when I am ready. As without, so within. As much as I "should" be ready for many things, I am simply not ready to start. So I do what is true until that time...and may I continue to do what is true every step of the way. What in incredible and beautiful frustration to navigate. #innerworldexploration #soulcraft #messageseverywhere #sacredindividualist

Every year the questions haunt me..."did I start too early?...did I too late?" Every year is different with what the land needs or does. What I am learning is that it doesn't matter when I "should" start...what matters is that I start when I am ready. As without, so within. As much as I "should" be ready for many things, I am simply not ready to start. So I do what is true until that time...and may I continue to do what is true every step of the way. What in incredible and beautiful frustration to navigate. #innerworldexploration #soulcraft #messageseverywhere #sacredindividualist

I laugh with a tricksters' glee when I think of the many, many times I have tried to write a blog for you in the last two months. Oh, I have many blog posts started...pages of brain dumps and heart vomits that stop having a say as quickly as they began to voice themselves. Even today, I wanted to write for you...so I revisited the many drafts to find their soil sitting fallow. I tried to start a new one...a fresh thought that came from this morning's journey with spirit and journal processing. Yeah...nothing.

Not that I have nothing to share...oh I have a shit ton to share! There is this holding of breath that keeps me from having a still enough shot to pull the trigger on blogging and many things related to my soul crafting business. There is another held breath within me that keeps me from using my voice...not out of fear or doubt or sabotage...it's out of needing to keep things unsaid for now because I am not done processing my stories and the lands I'm traveling have soil of solitary steps.

So, I won't say I'm sorry because I've done nothing wrong. I will say I'm finding the more I remember myself, the more my true natural rhythms form their own time frames and seasons.

My cave time is now entering record breaking number of days...months...seasons. My seeds have been started late in terms of almanacs and calendar planning. Winter never happened within me...it's waiting to be experienced this summer. Early mornings are rising me before I think I should be up.

The voice that sees what time it is, what season it is, what day it is...is rebelling from what these things SHOULD be and creating the time, season, days, and rhythms of what best SERVES me. And I'm letting it alter my entire world. All this creative chaos began being really great the moment I chose to believe that surrender does not equal submission. Surrendering to the re-calibration of my inner world. Dreaming of the rebirth it will bring me.

Right now, my story is one of BEing and DOing what is ease-filled, mindful, beautiful, and nourishing. Like I said...it's where I need to be. I wonder...is the next step in wanting to be where I need to be? All I know in this moment...today...is that I'm only doing what feels true, not forcing what doesn't flow through me, and loving my new found truth that I can start when I'm ready because I'm letting my sacred individualist rhythm create a new normal for me. My compass has turned...

Tell me, what are you forcing? If you could do it your way...how would you do it?

Tell me, are there unsung rhythms to be discovered in your life? What might they be?

Tell me, did this stir anything for you? Comment below...

6 week update & Nuclear Coffee

Hello lovely! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your time with me. The video below is about 11 minutes of the usual Nissa TV rambling, with my 6 week post surgery update. Today's post is really about me connecting as I am...right now...in the still-not-healed state I am in. Right now, it's all about the body and listening to it's guidance. This is a skill I am still learning and cultivating with the help of my sister-friend, Jill Doneen Cliften. With her help I am able to give my body the rest it needs when it needs, and this has been an immensely helpful tool. What I'm realizing though is that it's my head that is healing and by the time my body has told me it's time to rest, my head has been pushed past it's limits needed to recover and heal. Well...the video really explains the rest...

password:: nuclear

PS. The link to the ReWilding retreat I mentioned is www.rewildingretreats.weebly.com

Nissa's Peppermint Mocha Nuclear Coffee

I love coffee. I love all things nutritionally dense. I love DIY bulletproof coffee. And I've taken bulletproof coffee nuclear and this is one of two liquid creations I have created. To each their own, so it really doesn't matter how you make your pot of coffee. I am currently on this pour-over method kick and I love it because it isn't as bitter, stays warm in the thermal carafe without burning from the typical warmer plate, and the grounds-filled filter can go right into my composter after saving the grounds to line my strawberries with to keep those fucking slugs out of my strawberries in the spring. (also saw somewhere, ants hate coffee ground too....worth a try next summer!) Another bonus of the pour over method is it has become a morning ritual to greet my body, my soul, and my guides as I pour hot water over the grounds...and with every dose of adding water, the earthy froth of grounds shifts shapes and I open my inner vision to divine any messages or reflections from the shapes forming in the filter. Such as....

8 6

 

It's fun to use moments and actions in my everyday life to open a connection of sacred listening to my sacred soul self.

 

Okay, so once the pot is finished, I add a heaping tablespoon of the grass-fed butter, coconut oil, and raw cocoa powder. Both the coconut oil and cocoa powder have anti-inflammatory properties that I'm needing right now. The fats from the butter and oil give instant energy to the brain and helps kick start the digestion system for easier assimilation of nutrients from other ingredients AND for helping it eliminate the waste. Raw cacao has tons of minerals that are naturally occurring since it's not processed.

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Then, the honey....I buy local and raw. Not just for economical support, also for body building against allergies. I like to just pour in what feels right. I'll guess it's 2 tablespoons worth. In my observation, everyone has a sweet tolerance threshold so, if you are not a super sweet person, try the 2 tablespoons worth and adjust from there. The raw cocoa can be bitter. Finally, add in 2-4 drops of peppermint essential oil...depending on your love of mint to chocolate ratio. Now, I know there is a shit-ton of controversy over whether or not one should ingest essential oils. I am not here to tell you it is safe or not. I do it in this situation, and if you aren't convinced it's safe, you can use peppermint extract.

 

A little side note: normally I add about half a tablespoon of maca root powder at this point. However, right now with recovery I find it is too stimulating for me. It is an amazing energy booster and the original reason I started calling this concoction nuclear coffee.

 

Finally, insert an immersion blender and get to town on this baby! Work the liquid until nice and foamy.

2

 

Pour into your favorite mug...mine is the cauldron mug you see above...made by another dear sister-friend Jennette Nielsen with her smashing rubbish couture. Drink and fill the cup of your body with a boost of mint-chocolaty energy.

 

Did you like this post? Feel free to share it,  pin it on pinterest for the recipe, or email to a friend. Thank you!

Cheers! Nissa

 

 

 

 

How do I get through not knowing what I need to do 2.0

I do it anyway.
 
I cling to the self-compassion that life IS a practice.
I give myself permission to fuck up.
I open my explorers’ heart that eagerly heads into the unknown adventure.
When doubt or fear or shame set in, I breath deeply. Name it, talk to it, and set up camp for the night.
I do it anyway.
 
Not knowing, unsure, vulnerable, I battle the disease of “am I wasting my time?”
Rearrange how I view time to accommodate the longer journey.
Frustrated with the obstacles of survival….aching for the nourishment of thrival.
Maddened by the dehydration of expected visions haunting my compass.
Hunted by the monsters within.
Hunting the monsters within.

I do it anyway.

It is my land, after-all…my creative soul creating my life.

When the storm of overwhelm rumbles in I stop and let the storm take away the heavy stuff that isn’t really meant to be done.

I navigate the adventure with my instincts and feeling senses…for the mind chatter is like quicksand.

Uncharted territory of any kind means having to make my own paths and experience what is in front of me.

I do it anyway.

Because my soul has a fire burning to be more than what I am (thank you Bear medicine).

Because through the discomfort of fear, there is the thrill and truth of vulnerability.

Because sharing that truth spreads new seeds on the wind to inner landssapes everywhere.

Because being who I am feels authentic when I’m living what feels right to me.

 

doing&being

 

And so it begins….a new adventure. Focus on what is being created. Feel what is wanting to be created. Choose actions that express who you are and what you create. Fall down. Screw up. Get mad. Make love. Have faith. Begin again.
Like this post? Please share! Comment! Tell me how you get through not knowing what to do.

Knowing Who You Are...take 2

Checking_In

Who are you?

A question that haunts many a human heart and mind.  For those who answer the calling of this question, it seems to ignite a spirit of searching, wondering, and exploration.  The seeker becomes like Indiana Jones, the answer to this question becomes like the treasure Indie is scouring the world for. The hunt for it creates a series of obstacles: villains to overcome, and a comedy of errors for you to look at later and laugh at when sharing your story.  And, like Indie, when one treasure is found, there is another one to uncover. And, like Indie, finding this treasure is all consuming in one’s life. It's like nothing is ever good enough...all life is searching and fighting. When does one stop and enjoy? How do one choose mundane after the thrill of such an exciting adventure? If we never stop and BE who we are we will never know it...or prove it through our choices and actions...or be rested and ready for the next wave of inner world alchemy.
What if "who are you" is a question that is best left unanswered?
Or a treasure left un-found? What if never answering the question “who am I” gives you the freedom to feel and be who you are in each moment as it's being lived? What if the treasure of knowing who you are isn't attainable in the sense that you find it...it's available in feelers we feel...and shown off in the choices we act upon... 
 
I've talked about the great mystery of the universe and how we have a great mystery within us too. I'm seeing this great mystery as a treasure of who I am and it's a treasure I will find by never fully finding it. It's the searching that keeps me growing...moving forward...continual curiosity...

What if the answer to “who am I” is a remembering, not a discovery?

Just thinking out loud…

In Soul Retrieval , the bits and pieces of your soul are returned to your present consciousness and they bring with them the ingredients of your soul that have been tossed aside or forgotten.  This is such a gift.  Remembering that you have this potential or that dream is a remembering of a part of who you are.  I love doing Soul Retrievals for this reason.  To witness one’s remembering of wholeness and who they are, is beautiful.  It’s like the treasure is found from within…it’s been there the whole time…and there is so much to remember that we can keep remembering or unearthing our whole lives.

What if the remembering is a beginning again?

And it’s a new beginning every time you remember who you are.  A real-time, present moment choice to shift back into who you are…just as you are…no crazy life-threatening escapades to find the treasure that is your authentic, whole Self. Beginning again is the energy of the East and the fool archetype. We are never stuck on a path or to a mission...we can break up any pattern at any time. Does who you are not feel quite right? Begin again. Toss out the map of your treasure hunt and go by the instincts of guiding truth that resides in your knowing...felt through the feelers...

What if “who you are” is a choice you make in every moment?

To feel what you want to feel, and choosing actions that move you into the feeling of your truth. What would you be doing differently?  Would you speak to yourself differently?  Imagine the view from wholeness!

listentoyourwords

Feels like execution...

Tomorrow, Wednesday, is the day of my surgery. To many, surgery isn't a big deal and I admit in the bigger picture it probably isn't. For me in my wildish nature it's more than a procedure and the stories behind it are not important to me. I know and understand why this is triggering so much trauma and more importantly I know and understand why it's imperative that I walk each step with sacred intention and sacred energy in order to change the plot of those old stories and write a new book of my life. That all being said, there is some deep and transformative work going on that doesn't really look very pretty, and yet I feel fucking beautiful and alive in my raw, vulnerable and honest state. I want to spend my time today writing this out in and sharing my process with you in lieu of feeling disconnected, sacred and alone. Here's my tarot reading for today, which lead to the following stream of consciousness:: surgeryprep

To me this surgery feels like an execution. Can I please just lay upon the OR table the parts of me I want to die? The voice of comparison and jealousy? The straight jacket of small-making? The demon that attempts to seduce me to give up on my dreams? Can't I just give these up to the executioner of surgery in the ritual I am undergoing with this procedure? So much of me is like "hell yeah! Kill them!!!"

 

Today, as I am a day away, I wonder...rather than killing these parts of ME, how 'bout I honor this metaphorical feeling of execution and execute the agreements and old stories that are fueling these parts of me and take back my power that has been misdirected by these agreements? And it's something else...the sense of execution is strongly filled with parts of me. This sense of execution seems to be adamant about the feeling of a part of me is being executed but I can't seem to fully grab it. I can mechanically list off several aspects that make sense to be on the chopping block...or that I want to have killed off. Thing is, what is true and bigger than this is that if feels a little fake, or trite to look at this concept and be all "of course! It's the less-than, scarcity, comparison, small-making that is being executed" because these things are always being laid to rest in me these days.

OR

Is it that I've laid them to rest and I'm still mourning them?

OR

Is it that I'm mourning and laying to rest another particle of the structure of these things, thereby always feeling like I'm ready to kill off yet another round of the same thing?

OR

Is it that all can be true? And that an unknown can also be true and not need to be known to still go through this with honor and grace?

 

An unknown of what is being executed...like an undeclared declaration that I won't know what's being executed until after it's over. This incites some crazy-ass mind fuckery born of thinking-mind-triggers, carelessness, and need for control. (**holy truth bomb**). And yet...this idea of not knowing what will be executed tomorrow sings a song of relief and ease in my bones...as I track this to where it comes from I find my faith...golden and glowing...waiting for me to remember it's medicine. I hear in this "the not knowing allows me to BE in the great mystery".

 

All of a sudden, I see myself as a sacred circle of sisterhood...each one in the circle has their own way, their own voice, their own needs. Each of these represents an aspect of me in this vision...even the small-making that I'm so eager and willing to kill off. As a holder of such circles I know the power and sacred movement that unfolds when all are seen, heard, honored, and allowed. A perfect example of how to treat myself as I am on fire with many inner voices today. I claim and belief that I am sacred space...that YOU are sacred space...and as I hold sacred space for outside of me can also be held with the same integrity inside of me. As a holder of sacred space I observe and adjust the energy of the container as needed. As a holder of sacred space I stand for all truths to be honored, and create room for opposing truths to be true as opposites and still occupy a common room. As a holder of sacred space my job is to see, hear, honor, and allow ALL voices and expressions. Therefore, I can do the same for me right now, right? Yeah...duh...of course I can apply this to how I treat myself in this tender and terrifyied moment. Right now, in this moment, I can use this a-ha magic opening to make space for both the intentional knowing of what is dying in this execution as well as the knowing that a part of me can't be known until after it's over.

 

To honor the part of me holding the docket of who/what is being executed, I see and acknowledge that list. I see on there the small-maker, the envious comparisons, the quitter...and I acknowledge that it will most likely just be a part of these things...that these too are things humans feel, so it doesn't mean I failed the kill if they show up again...that it may take more than one death to end them. This feels intense. Scary. Hot.

 

To honor the great mystery part of me that tempts me to release the need to know what will be executed tomorrow in surgery, I acknowledge that stepping out of the rigid regime of control and expectation, the source of the thing that keeps evading my consciousness will die and I will become subtly changed via my essence...and this isn't something I can plan for, expect, or explain...it is only something I can feel and be.

 

To honor my role as space holder, I see, hear, honor, and allow all of this and create a safe container for my truths within myself. As I listen with my sacred ears, I hear the list maker of knowing and control settle and cool down because it seems to be eating the possibility that it's not their essence that will be executed...but the agreements to the old stories they have been acting out. And this is where it can embrace the great mystery of not knowing. Connecting the great mystery part of me to the list maker moves it to focus on the positive outcome to the task at hand...ie...an intentional, ceremonial, blessed execution of the agreed upon agreements.

 

Is your head spinning? Mine is too. This is all taken from my journey journal this morning. Instead of edits and filters and re-writes, I am choosing to go all out stream of consciousness.

 

I honor all sides. I am scared. I am hopeful. I am sad and grieving the trauma story agreement that is being executed tomorrow. I am excited to create a new story of victory over paralyzing trauma and powerlessness. I am angry that my strong and capable body couldn't fix itself. I am curious about the beautiful and clear ME that I feel awaiting me as a spirit guide while I travel through the scary parts. I'm terrified by the needles that will violate my body. I am curious about having a needle enter me without triggering trauma. Here's to victory...

 

I have faith that who I'll be on the other side of this will be someone I am happily at home with.

 

I love you...thank you for being in my world...

Nissa

 

PS. I honestly don't think I could be standing on this cliff today with the strength and love and wholeness I feel without the love, support, and sisterhood of some very special women. Jill Doneen Clifton...thank you for your Body Wisdom sessions that have brought much needed stability and pathways to do this well. And thank you for giving my soul a place to hang out while I'm under anesthesia. Regina Viars...the EFT session with you opened the door for me to reclaim so much of my present power and story of now, I am so grateful for your heart. Catherine Beerda-Basso...thank you for opening the virtual space of love warriors who are filling me with the juju to feel ready, held, loved and supported. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone in the physical world...or the spiritual world. I have some big guns behind me and I'm glad you smack my ass in remembering that when I can't seem to see them. These women have stepped up for me BIG time on their own accord with their heart leading the way and I am deeply grateful. THANK YOU! Then there are my reiki warriors, my prayer senders, my love and lighters, my void creators...you know who you are and I feel you. Thank you for your time, talent, and light.

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE! A-ho!

Hole in my head...

Well, this 18 minute video blog (vlog) spells the important stuff out in a rambling way...true Nissa style. For all of you who have asked and wondered WTF, here's the gist of the hole in my head and what I'm going to do about it and why I will be "offline" for the remainder of the year. My assistant Jen, may be reaching out to y'all on my behalf, so stay tuned for whatever happens!

 

There is still a lil' bit of room for Sunday's soul craft circle. Wild women...do you need some time to gather and reset? Join me as we travel the inner lands of strength and learn from the sources of strength that surround us. I'd love to see a full house, so if you feel nudged...join the circle! It's 10am to 4pm here at my Queendom cave of sacred space. (I have cats and dog if that is a deal breaker for you)

 

Password:: holeinthehead

Humaning Conundrum & Great Mysteries

  What surrendering to the ground of truth looks like. Feeling sadness, anger, pain, and fear doesn't mean I'm broken, it means I'm broken open to free myself into a deeper level of authenticity. #sacredindividualist #soulcraft #sensitivebadass #owningit

Humaning can be rough. And if you are reading this, chances are you are of clan "seeker". By this I mean, you (and I) have a tangible knowing that there is more to life...more than what can be seen or experienced with the senses...more than anything that can be explained. A great mystery so great it still can't be grasped after thousands of years of two-legged animals with grandiose intellect trying to understand it. A great mystery so great that it is constantly growing and evolving...expanding it's edges and consciousness and possibility.

 

I believe that "as above, so below". What is happening out is happening within. What is happening within is happening out.

 

Humaning can be rough. And yet, I am made up of great mystery. I am a particle of the outer great mystery. In a sense, I feel timeless, limitless, boundless, and burst-out-of-my-skin free....all compacted into a tiny human form. A form that feels all the feels. Humaning requires I conjure that state of expanded, blissed out, spiritual freedom if I am to feel it. It is up to me, and my conscious awareness to check in with the great mystery in my every day choices in order to gather this spiritual state of awesome-sauce feelers. Whereas, the great mystery that my inner great mystery is connected to; has a natural state of being timeless, limitless, boundless, and in constant expansion. This is the outer great mystery's (creator, universe, God, whatever you want to call it) default state and maybe it has to remember to check in with me to find out how I'm humaning in order for it to learn and gather my thoughts, feelings, beliefs in order to keep on expanding. See....the way I see it is, the great mystery within and the great mystery of the universe need each other. One cannot exist without the other. The outer great mystery needs my human experience to keep "expanding"...and my inner great mystery needs the expanding to move through the humaning. And maybe the umbilical cord between the two is my human awareness and human freedom to choose where I put my awareness.

 

Humaning can be rough. Feeling big, powerful, magical, and supported comes with a big, powerful, magical feeling...which can often be misread and misunderstood as "too much"... or overwhelm...or painful. I have been experiencing this of late. I have decided that my life is awesome...I have decided to breathe from a place of gratitude for my life. In this tiny shift of being I have opened myself up to receiving support, love, sisterhood, and healing. I have given myself permission to feel what is felt and do the work of alchemizing what isn't of love, wholeness, and truth. What feels so nourishing and comforting to the power within me (my inner great mystery) can often feel like hot pokers of pain to my human humaning. I am noticing that the fear and anxiety I feel as I near my surgery is the same intensity as the love and support I feel from those who are gathering around me in support and sisterhood. I notice how my body...the earth in my body...rumbles and shakes the same what with both of these opposing feelers. I notice that this is very intriguing to me...how can fear and love exist in the same place? What if the structure I've built to bring balance and understanding to my inner world is now an illusion and I am in fact free-floating with only my awareness choices to root me?

 

Humaning can be rough. Humaning can be easy. Hey, if fear and love can be the same shake and tumble in me, why not rough and easy? Heheehe. Seriously though, isn't it interesting that big, powerful, magical expansion can register in the body the same as fear, anxiety, rage, and insecurity. This baffles me...but in that curious, child-like way. In every heartbeat, I explore and question....digest and reflect. This also gives me hope...hope that there is a simpler, more free way to feel...hope that all the structures I've built around my emotions are lies that I can burn away and make space inside for no longer shaming the way I feel.

 

How I human is up to me. (and you) If the feelers all feel the same within the earth of my body, and it's only my awareness and choices that express them as different...then maybe wholeness is the only absolute in the great mystery of me, my life, and the universe. From the perspective of awareness and choices, I keep coming back to the HOW I move forward as a whole entity. I keep questioning as a divining rod...does this feel centered, am I expanding or contracting, does this feed my feeling of being the sacred space that I know I am? The HOW I go forward is where action is so important to me. Sacred action. Actions that return my energy back to wholeness.

wholeovergood

hmmmmmmm...things that make you go, hmmmmmmm

 

What are your thoughts? Have you ever felt this sliver of thought? Am I completely nuts in your eyes? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.

 

Big love, Nissa

 

In the direction of being me...

photo by Catherine Beerda-Basso. subject is Leah McCullough Dear heart,

Thank you for being here. Thank you for dropping into this post and sharing my realm with me.

 

Last year, in my annual cocoon of cave time, my lovely soul spoke through it's intuitive channels and pretty much made me purchase the domain nissahoward.com. Despite my resistant. Despite my negotiations. Regardless of my bargaining. I found my fingers typing up the domain order. #thankyousoulfornotlisteningtomysmallmaking

 

And so it has sat dormant and gestating all year long. This year has been one deep transformation after another so the idea of re-branding wasn't even in the back seat. I tied that bitch up in the trunk. But after elk hunting...remember the post about being skinned...I broke down and asked for help...I sat alone in nature for 4 days and 4 nights...I emptied out...found some faith (thank you woodpecker)...and welcomed a remembered way of being me. Not long after I returned from the hill, I found myself moving this naked domain of nissahoward.com to the place where this soulcraft.me domain is hosted. So, I'm on the phone with the customer service tech guy going over the hows of this transition and I'm trying to explain what I am wanting to do. I hear myself say "I think I've been hiding behind the mask of soul craft too long, it's time to go in the direction of being me". Dead silence on the other end. Did the call get dropped? I ask if he is still there, and I hear him clear is throat before saying "wow, that is the most beautiful thing I've heard all day. If only we could all go in that direction". Awkward validation pause... and I say "thanks". And then we got back to business. Not long after the call ended it hit me how funny it is to get your work path affirmed from a customer service rep. And this still makes me giggle.

 

But it's true! I'm going in the direction of being me. So yeah, there's a lot of logistics that go in this change and it won't happen over night. Plus, I'm slowing down now until my surgery so I'm not allowing myself to over-obsess about business stuff. And still, my heart and vision and intentions are all in the direction of being me. It's true, I've been hiding behind the mask of a business name. An even truer truth is that I am my business and my business is me. I'm in a group of soul-o-prenuers led by the incredible Heather Dakota. And in her Wise Woman Society, she has helped me voice this truer truth. Today, I was in a business attunement session with her and heard myself own that I am a wild woman and in my true nature change is a way of life...just like the earth... So, because I change my business has to change. It was a total DUH moment that opened a door to some inner world freedom. What once was held in the mouth of fear of being "flaky" and "unreliable" is now a vibrant energy body of ease and permission...fueling the vehicle in the direction of being me.

 

I will change with my change. I am open to allowing the direction of being me in my story of now so I don't find myself off course. The direction of being me will have it's seasons but the soul soil is still the same.

meagain

What I'm unearthing here is some deep inquiry around who I am and what I do and how I do it. And what I'm discovering is that it is as much of a shedding as it is an accepting...accepting who I am, accepting the weaknesses, accepting the mess, accepting my power of choosing. I see clearly that the direction of who I am isn't necessarily a definitive path to a destination of who I want to be or see myself becoming. Rather, it's a stepping up and into what already is...simply, me. Take it or leave it.

 

Here are some of the questions I've been digging with:

  • What new responsibilities can I activate to support this direction?
  • What am I hiding that is ready to be seen?
  • What are my core qualities that are holding the lantern for my movement?
  • What nourishes my being? What can I put into action to do this?
  • Where do I need to open space in myself and my life?

I am also discovering that I am in constant motion...as a living being on this planet, in this universe, I am always moving somewhere. The biggest question I ask, and I ask often, is am I moving in the direction of being me?

Did you find yourself answering any of these prompts? I'd love to here from you in the comments below.

 

Big LOVE to you,

Nissa

Percolation...

morninggold I notice that in my seasons of change and transition if feels like percolation. Percolate, according to the dictionary, is a verb with a definition of;

to become active, lively, or spirited.
to show activity, movement, or life; grow or spread gradually; germinate.
I see myself becoming a bit more silent and still, to give space for all the needs of my percolation...which seem to vary from the warning sounds of just about to overflow, to the first crackle of heat being voiced, to verifying the alchemy is complete by the darker color and the comforting aroma.
The signs are all there...pointing me in the right direction...guiding me to let it wait, and listen more deeply...it will all be okay.
Actually, it is already okay...percolation is the space of contained activity in between the start of something new and the consumption of something new.
I realize in this moment that what is important for me to consider is the questioning. Asking all the questions. Feeling my responses to them. Distilling what is true. Then drink with intention when the alchemy is complete.
It's not so much "who am I" that is being asked...it's the "am I who I am?"
Am I who I am? What within me points to yes? Follow that...and I am free.20150727_075542

Do you feel stirred by this? If so, I'd love to hear from you in the comments below. And feel free to share the crap out of this if you think it will stir something in someone else.
Big love,
Nissa

Of little words...

20150302_162830We all shed...

when the air begins to crisp... and the elk hunting has ended...

it is my time to cave...

this is a time when I lean into little words...

there's so much to say that I don't know where to begin...

so I don't. I let silence and the voice-less looks speak my shift...

I love the cave.

the womb of mama earth...it too, is of little words...as it gestates me into my next new skin.

I become of little words when my feelers are greater than my thinking...

standing in my life, centered and questioning.

blood is one of ignited transformation...

unforgiving because it trusts my power to grow and be...even when I don't...

bold, brave, love that floods my knowing with the light of being a sacred human...

of little words...

the vehicle to slide me through the seasons of shedding...

this year, this moment, with the fires burning and the trees so thirsty...

I stand skinned of an old skin without the mercy of new skin being ready underneath...

not moving.

waiting for the new skin to bring the new paths and directions...

remember I've been here before...always rearranging in this season of little words...

acknowledging it looks a little more raw and grotesque than usual...

willing to see how well I wear the color of cave...of blood...of mud...of shed skin.

willing to feel beautiful in it...and see it's beauty...

waiting for the vision, the truth of things, the knowing to speak up...

too much chatter becomes land mines for soul speak to be heard...

so I am of little words.

 

lil'familyMy lil' family...

My tribe! It appears that when my lil' family and I came back from elk hunting a few weeks ago, I dropped off the outside world. And I did. I needed to. We cut the hunting trip short for a couple of good reasons. Wildfire. Hole in my head. Blackouts. Exploding pain. So grateful for the cow elk that the hubs shot. He may have pulled the trigger, but she came for me. She drank ALL the magic and juju I had in my hunting pouch. I felt her coming towards us before we saw her. And I knew there was no more elk to kill because she took all the YES I had been praying for. The next few days of hunting were more of me gathering juniper and making smudge wands...hiking around with a gun...watching and communing with the ravens as they feasted on the gut pile...reveling in the silence and open space with the occasional shot of coyote rock band...and on the last night there, watching the fire cloud roar. I have no words...just tears.

smudgemakin'sunrisegunwalking

In sacred circles we talk of integrity. This hunting trip, mine was challenged.I am the huntress. I crave the connection. I am used to orchestrating a hunt with me in mind as I am there to HUNT. This year, I orchestrated...but sent the hubs to the line of fire...I could feel her heading that way. With reluctant willingness I stayed back to glass. Truth is, the hole in my head was not being kind to me that evening and my vision was wonky. Truth is, integrity is more than an agreement...it's an action. I wasn't willing to risk providing a good death simply because so much of my identity is THE huntress. It meant surrendering the shot to my man, which I don't do often or well. I could have dug deep and found the sure will and focus to push through my temporary limitations and make that kill. But for the sake of this cow, any cow, any animals having a good death my integrity showed up like a huge mama bear and put me in my place. I now see this is the moment my skin was ripped from me. My yearly shedding has shown up as a skinning. I dare not move until my new skin grows in.

gregnarmy wild man...
my Greg-nar...
my king...

Other big news...my brother has finally moved out of the house!!!! Yip Yip Yip! He's working on getting his stuff out of our garage and shed, but he's out of the house and I am purging and moving and rearranging and deep soul cleaning. This is great for my local or near-by tribe dwellers because now my witchy cave (work space) is craving an in person circle now that he's out. So...sisters...I'm thinking a November 14th circle. Mark your calendars if this calls to you and keep an eye out for registration. I kinda thought those circles were done with but...no...with the brother gone I see that this house and this tiny bit of earth I live on are rich with sacred space juju and it was right to stop holding circles when he was here. I feel like a boogie dance of excitement at the vision of circling again in person. I can't wait!

rattlebowlsing

Let's see...oh, that's right! The next thing I wanted to catch y'all up on is the winds of Soul Craft are shifting again! For those of you who have been on this path with me from the beginning or at least a couple of years then I'm sure this declaration is familiar! There is a beautiful sunrise in my heart at realizing this is just another natural cycle of things. I remember having full on melt downs when I made changes in Soul Craft because I had fear around being seen as flaky or unreliable. I love that old version of myself...she has taught me a lot...anyway, I now own that this is part of being the hollow bone for my life and my business. Change with the change.

 

Last year the change was to take the blog off of public and make it more private...for subscribers only. This will be changing again so I can more effectively grow how I am seen. I still want to do something for subscribers only because you rock and I love your presence with me...I am of little words so I can hear what inspired action is on the horizon for you. On the internet front...I smell big winds of change. Thinking of rebirthing my work under my name...coming out from behind the name Soul Craft. {gulp} I am a soul crafter, so this essence will always be a part of what I do. And maybe this is all just talk coming from the uber stillness of having been recently soul-skinned...but I don't think so. I think this idea is just scary enough to experience a shit ton of growth. I'm looking at switching content management systems and I'm looking at switching my groups to being on the site. One more cyber shift...if you don't know already...there is a new-ish social media platform in town and they respect privacy. If you too are burnt out by the controlling machine of Facebook, you can join me and many others over there. My thought is the more we use it the less we will use FB and the  more time we give back to ourselves. I hope to see you there...because truth is I don't want to be on Facebook forever. https://mewe.com/i/nissa.howard

Man, I miss the gentleness of soul-shedding right about now...I am a bit shocked by this thought...shedding is tough...I guess I am grateful for it in comparison to this sudden skinning. The words of a dear friend, Catherine, "be kind to yourself" echo in my being. So with my little words I will step back into my cave again and return to my state of skinned and raw. For now, it's where I need to be.

_MG_1631

Thank you for being here on this path with me. May you check in with yourself and ask what changes you need to love up on. What are they? I'm listening...comment below if you feel called to share. May the power within you know your inner world as home and dance around with freedom in your bones. Much love, Nissa

 

 

 

 

 

Chasing Crows

I've been having CRAZY amounts of crow medicine chasing me. From rescuing an injured crow to being dive-bombed while in my garden to just being markedly more loud and present when I am outside. I keep my back door open right now because it's summer, and while in my house throughout the day I here a caw here and there, but lately when I go outside...they are very talkative and fly from tree to tree to follow me. It's been so cool.  

I am pretty sure I'm beginning to understand the crow language. It's a mixture of deep visual observation, opening the creative side of my brain, and FEELING the sounds they make. So, today I'm gonna share a video I took the other day. I was watering my plants when not only were some crows very vocal, they were very active...well all but one anyway...and that is what this video is about. So, this is me, chasing them in the sense that I dropped what I was doing and gave my focus to this moment. And then I ended up being a goofball by the end and called it Nissa's Nature Narrative.

So, I invite you to sit with me and listen...hear the sounds of the crow with all of you and open to feeling what you feel...what do you notice in this time?

https://vimeo.com/133055431

The moment I realized I AM living my dream...

10352931_10153826453294237_9172923191484184577_nAs I create the content for my upcoming #messageseverywhere journey in July, I am getting the "walk your talk" smack down and I'm so freakin' grateful. The idea that I miss so much magic and medicine in my life due to not paying attention just isn't a viable excuse anymore. I am, after all, sacred space...so why wouldn't every lil' human moment be a door to something sacred? uh...duh...light bulb! I am a lover of soul crafting, truth seeking, and digging deep, and by looking for the magic in the mundane has been showing me that even my daily life is a circle of sacred space. I don't always need to go deep and get muddy to heal, shift, and connect. Good goddess, I'm glad I said yes to creating this offering! The other day I was juggling making a garden-picked strawberry rhubarb pie with a scheduled client and laundry and flower essence making and dinner prep and homeschool check-ins and content creating. In my mind I was categorizing and lining up how to lay out all these tasks in a balanced and responsible time frame. And within that, my mind was saying "shit, this is so crazy...juggling all these things...augh!" I found myself hearing the stress in these thoughts. Stress that I've gotten used to as a daily function and it just felt out of place somehow...for some reason. In that moment, I remembered I had a choice to listen...sacredly...a choice to open...and to receive...

So then, my soul spoke...

remember when you were at that job you hated...

when your creativity was caged...

and you ached to be at home...

being the mom you want to be...

being a goddess...

being a soul-o-prenuer...

remember when you asked for this?...

and you called to the powers that be...

to live a life of flowing many...

instead of stagnant few...

this isn't stress...

this is your dream...

enjoy it...

you asked for this...

you are living it now...

isn't that great?...

And then my mind was able to breathe...

In that moment; the juggling became lit up with light and life, the "stress" became an awareness of how blessed I am to GET to do all these things, and time opened up to make room for all of it to happen with ease. Yes, things will still get stressful. Yes, it's not always the version of the vision I envisioned. However, it is still my dream coming to life and now with acknowledging it it can come to life. So, I whipped up the pie crust and pie filling and let it sit while I tended to my client. After the session I made the pie, had some lunch, started laundry, got meat out to thaw and played in the lush world of flower essence medicine-making before grabbing an afternoon iced coffee and created some more #messageseverywhere content.

Acting through my "to do" list with the heart of awareness that I'm living my dream NOW made everything so damn delicious and uplifting. Life just got a lot brighter...

I am living my dream. Wow...that feels so good to step up into. And I'm dreaming bigger new things while I'm living my old dreams now. Isn't it sad...that I almost missed this message? Isn't it sad...that I've spent the last few years not remembering? Isn't it awesome...that my soul speaks to me? Thank you soul, for speaking. And thank you mind, for listening. Thank you body, for changing with the change of this perspective.

 

Is it possible that a dream of yours is here and now too? Have you been passing it by without acknowledgment, ownership, and celebration? Feel free to share in the comments.

XOXO

Nissa

cricksittin

What does it take to make a warrior a queen?

photo credit: http://fairytalesbynature.tumblr.com/post/39378198522 what does it take to make the warrior the queen?

the unfathomable laying down of sword and shield becomes a heart breaking unavoidable happening.

happening deep within.

happening to completion before the mind has the chance to sabotage the change.

what does it take to make the warrior the queen?

a fiery surrender to the discomfort of shedding the battle worn armor.

forging new armor.

a kind of armor that armors up to armor down.

so she can be seen...the queen.

what does it take to make the warrior the queen?

choice.

passion.

purpose.

finding the way to find my scars sexy.

wisdom.

compassion.

softening.

walking among my people...barefoot...human to human.

allowing.

receiving.

feeling.

what does it take to make a warrior a queen?

a merging of two forces within.

warrior is slowing down.

queen is rising up.

creating equals between the two as one.

a soul marriage of self.

 

No doubt, when the soul shifts and inner transformation begins, one is called forth to walk into the fire of trials and challenges. It isn't easy or clean. However, I'm finding that when I'm just letting it be what it is and I give myself, and the process, permission to be difficult and messy; the simpler the path is. The more space I have to breath within it. The more organic it is...like a wheel of the year...the shifts and changes just happen at their own time outside my deadlines of being the change. There are days I want to scrape my skin from the intensity. There are moments I feel bigger and brighter and more beautiful than ever before. There are weeks flying by that feel lost to memory yet I see how far I've come. And in every moment I'm having to choose, observe, trust, and feel.

 

It's the feels that make it messy...muddy...bloody...and authentic. But without them, it wouldn't be change!

 

What does it take to make the warrior the queen? Well, I fully believe it's different for any woman; and maybe sharing mine might shine a light on yours. And by this I mean any change, it doesn't necessarily mean your change is the same as mine...warrior to queen to warrior queen...but if this does tug at your truth, I'd love to hear a poetic voicing over in the comments of this soul note. We are a tribe of whole being belonging to ourselves...in a sacred circle sharing, shedding, shining.

 

And when I feel the balance of this transformation...when I feel both warrior and queen, I look like this...

20150327_150006I see the battles fought in my eyes...the wisdom gained, the pain of loosing, the healing of wounds. I see the softness of a present presence, smiling with the compassion of the fragile strength of being human in battle. I see an openness. A woman changing before her very eyes.

 

"creating and standing in integrity is the ability to change as I change"

 

MUCH LOVE from an emerging warrior queen,

nissa

 

PS. this process has been amplified by a work in progress by Erica Kathleen who has taken a photo of me in the thick of warrior queen and turning into a stunning piece of art. She is a shaman artist who in her process of painting this piece has catalyzed my growth in the most magical way. I can't wait to share with y'all when that is finished...prints will be made!

What I do when I feel lost...

20130518_090223 When I feel lost

I make myself get lost

In the woods

In my truck

All alone...it HAS to be alone

I find a road I have not traveled

I ask my witchy-senses if this is the one

I move my truck in the direction that matches my answer

And I find new pathways home

 

When I feel lost

I get lost

Lost in writing for hours

Lost in my man's arms

Lost in feeling the roots of my kitchen witchery

Lost in a sacred sit spot where wild nature gives it to me straight

And I find new feelers to guide me home

 

When I feel lost

I embrace lost

Say hello, for it is a dear friend I don't see often

Surrendering to the brief visit

For I always find my way home

 

Lovingly wrote,

Nissa

cricksittin

Catching Up, Feelers, and Asking Big for Beltane!

The last time I wrote you was over a month ago! Shit! I was doing so good about writing. When I left you last, I gave you a video for the new moon at the spring equinox, which I loved to share and it seems a lot of you liked it too! Anyway, a few days after that me and my lil’ fam headed out on our first ever, just the 3 of us and 2 dogs, family vacation. We got in our white-trashy fifth wheel and hit the road. (the white-trashy bit is an inside story I’ll share quickly...every RV park we went to had uber-glamourous RV’s...we were the white trash there based on our old RV and authentic truck...no pavement princesses here!) We explored towns in Oregon I’ve never been to and as an Oregon native I am saddened by how little I have seen of my beautiful state. Being raised in the country on a mini-ranch there isn’t much time for time out. Now, I want to see MORE. Holy cow this state is incredible in it’s landscape. Such diversity. Such heart. Shitty politics, as it is with civilization.

 20150328_08160620150324_155711_Burst08We hit the Oregon Vortex and Redwoods in northern California and holy WOW. I mean, WOW. The personality and ancient innocence from them rattled my bones. As someone who talks to trees frequently, I can say it is my experience that trees have immense energy and each species has their own unique characteristics. Now, having met the Redwoods I feel as though I’ve met wisdom. And to me it feels like knowing the tragedies of the world and still able to keep the heart light and the time left enjoyable. What a gift.

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Trinidad California stole my heart. Which surprised me a bit because I’m not an ocean girl. Same with Yahatchs Oregon. It’s the small town bit. I miss small town living. This city life is loud. And by city I mean this town of 13,000 I live in and I hear some of you laughing. I’m laughing too!

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The greatest gift of this trip was sweetness the three of us found in the container of our lil’ family...flowing around each of us and all of us together. Without the static of TV and over-devicing we still found ourselves in respectful loving silences...like we are at home. Each of us doing our own thing and coming together at some point during the day and night. This relieved my mama-heart in some rooted ways. It proved to me that this is just US...as a family...this is how we roll. We aren’t too distracted and disconnected, we are just a bunch of creative introverts living under one roof and our mobile home away from home showed me that this is just who we are and we are more than perfectly okay.

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The first week of April when we got back I found out there’s a hole in my head which is explaining the migraines and blackouts. Relieving and oh-fucking all at once.

 

The week after that my sweet Vixen girl died suddenly from a ruptured tumor. She had given no indications of being not well so this was a shock. More than a shock. Brutal as a dear friend said when she called to offer love and condolences. Brutal heart break. I’ve lost people and pets and animals before. Hell, I’m the queen of death. I deal in death every year when I hunt. But Vixen...my precious sausage bean...she has been my healer as I travel this path of less than. She has been my love teacher, my joy igniter, my stop-for-cuteness maker. She (and Gixxer who is still alive) dug their way into my heart like no other dog has ever done. My mourning of her loss has been brutal. Gutting. It didn’t take long for her sweet spirit to visit and guide me. And this has helped SO much. Her spirit voice nudged me to see within myself that I have entered that place of being that is deeply feeling, authentic, honest, wild on a truer level, more alive and powerful and this is why loosing her is so brutal. And I asked for this! I have been calling to my powerful places. I’ve been shedding the filters. I’ve been laying to rest the dead weight within me. I’ve been hunting down my fear of fear, killing what isn’t true and feeding what is. I’ve been calling to my soul for more authentic truth which I know can only come from stronger feelings to guide my truth. And loosing my sweet baby has proven to me I have got all I’ve asked for and more. Because I got to love her and be loved by her. I got to drum to her, hold her eyes and sing her sacred songs as her soul left her body. I got the deep privilege of opening the portal for her to cross over and then carry her body to the freezer at the vet’s. I get to feel deeper and truer than I’ve ever felt and I hear her as I write this that this is where my clarity it. Anytime I need it. Clarity is in my feelers. I got more than I asked for because I didn’t ask to feel more pain, deeply, openly, and uninhibited….and it occurs to me that when I cast my spells/send my wishes/craft my intentions/do the healings I am asking for the capacity for more and there is always more of the more I’m asking for. Putting it bluntly, I am in a moment of choosing to resist or surrender that the old cliché of “taking the bad with the good”. And I choose surrender. I choose to feel more pain so I can feel stronger guidance. Plus, I have Vixen as a guide now, I feel I’m in good hands. ...or paws. I love you Vixey...always.

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Now, here I am at May 1st. Beltane of 2015. Shit. One year ago today it was almost 100 degrees and I was boiling my bear skull with a circle of women. And when the last women was leaving, we agreed that we need to do a retreat together...to create a retreat together. This woman, Catherine, has stole my heart and has made me a better woman just by being who she is and it is humbling to call her friend.

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One year ago today, her and I put into the powerful hands of the great mystery that is outside of us and within us to do magic together. Today I stand here having just completed a ReWilding Retreat with her and another delicious magic maker, Tiffanie who joined us shortly after we threw our hearts to the winds of desire. For the last year we have given our hearts to this collaboration. And it was good.

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This retreat was a powerful sacred container of real soul work. We died, cried, loved, snuggled, howled, rebirthed, and dove deeply into the greatness of sisterhood. Nestled on the Sandy river and held by mama Mt. Hood, we WENT THERE! The places of shadows and light. The places of love and shakey grounds inside. The places of pushing through and expanding out. The places of surrender and claiming the path. The places of nourishment and hunger. I found myself allowing love, healing, and being cared for by the very people I was caring for. It has began a tremor effect of soul earth quaking my armored layers which is redefining my warrioress queen and what it means to be strong. It felt so good to be held...cradled by two lovely women while others drummed, myo’d, body wisdomed, moved energy, and beamed love into my healing space. It was holy. Allowing love is holy. And it’s fucking hard to do when you are the strong one who gets it all done and just keeps going no matter what. Allowing love is holy.

afterretreatCat’s put a beautiful take on her blog of our weekend and her professional pics are insanely gorgeous. Check them out over here!

 

So, here I am...looking at the last year. And this last month of ass-kicking I’ve been handed. Beltane. A time of big ask, big fires, big desire, big big. I love the metaphor of this earth medicine holiday. The male and female aspects of life join together in desire to seed and feed life so there is a harvest in the fall in order for the life on earth can thrive.

 

Today I will honor both the god and goddess within me. I will light flames. I will ask big. I will honor the life in death. I will honor the death in life. I will honor life. I will connect, ask, feel, and crave. For I am sacred space and what I feel is what I know and what I know guides my path.

 

What is your big ask?

How will you honor it?

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Love you for being here with me, XOXOXO

Nissa

 

Saying "no" to say "yes"

I was recently asked "what do you need to say yes to?" IMG_20150204_190221

There was an uproaring of profanity and overwhelm in my being. An inflamed collective rang out with "are you kidding? Another yes? We are maxed out!" Riotous voices objected for hours as I tread carefully through the inner rage. I was determined to make it through these voices to find clarity and that next "yes" that will bring my chaos into control. (enter giggling at the foolish thought) At one point those voices began closing in. Head pounding. Fire in my blood. Anger standing up for my true and honest boundaries...even though I'm not aware of that all the time. I decided to stop trying to make it through the resistance. I choose to slow down and just let the crowd take me. It wasn't as bad as I thought. They stopped yelling after they felt heard by me.

And then I heard the medicine rise up. The truth. My truth. I need to say "NO" more. Say "no" to say "yes". Say "no" to making dinner when my migraine is flared up so I can say "yes" to rest. Say "no" to offering anything that keeps me feeling depleted with my hubby and daughter so I can say "yes" to what really matters to me...having love in my life. Say "no" to muscling through healing a wound to say "yes" to honoring the pain and making space for wholeness. Say "no" to the fast track to say "yes" to a life full of well-rounded experiences.

 

Say "no" to outside to  say "yes" to the inside.

 

In a world where no's are negative and negative is bad and negative creates what you don't want, I can see where and saying "no" could feel like one is doing it "wrong". And I've been down that road. It led to shame and emotional punishment that something must be wrong with me if I created this shit. So, I'm just not buying that anymore. I'm going to buy what my soul truth says to me.  And it says that in a universe uses balance to stay in a creative motion, there has to be equal "no's" to "yes's". This lil' soul note brought me quick relief and grounded center in a moment of chaos. So....#rebelmedicne and #sacredindividualist...I gotta do it in my own way. Sorry/sorry to you if you are on the secret train...it's not wrong if it works for you!

 

What do you need to say no to in order to make room for an authentic yes?

Are you aware of and in good relationship with how you manifest things?

Feel free to share  your response to this on Instagram or Facebook. Please use #soulcraft or #sacredindividualist

Stop for fun

This wild soulful sacred path. Soul soil digging deep.

Excavating the treasures within.

Rolling in the blood and the mud.

Ruminating all the pieces of wholeness

Rising up to be cleansed by the tears of water.

Activating truth, power, and love.

This wild soulful sacred path.

Often needs as stop sign.

A stop sign for FUN.

Stop for fun.

Brake for fun.

Fun can be the moments that root the growth.

Fun can bring the human joy into this spiritual experience of a wild soulful sacred path.