Sitting in it. All the raw awarenesses swirling around in a distracting and chaotic way. Some moments shine with clarity in direction, other moments feel like moving through cement with a blindfold on. Some days feel weightless, like flowing on the wind, other days feel like fire surging in and around me. So, this is where I've been since my last blog post. Still in a process of what I know will be healing. This part I call "sitting in it" because nothing really moves forward with healing until whatever it is has been acknowledged and dealt with. I feel like the time from my last blog post and this one today has been an eternity...because I'm sitting in it. The time stretching mechanism of my inner world is allowing me to slow down, and have time to continue looking at those mirrors that have come up.
Relationship mirrors!!! Ugh, relationships! We all have them in various shapes, forms and degrees. And I've realized that I've not been working on my relationship with myself. I tend to be the one there for everyone, offering help or counsil but don't ask for help or want to be seen as someone who needs help. I've been kidding myself into thinking that others can't feel they can trust me to help them if I need them to help me. This is a thought from I realize is draining me in relationships, and it is merely a parallel to how I see myself. I have to be able to be there for myself and invest time into the relationship with myself to live with a whole, vibrant Spirit. Not to mention how unreasonable it sounds once I discover it for what it really is. Which leaves me with where I am now, what do I do differently to change this?
Fortunately, the last couple of weeks have created some space in a few of my relationships that were my ties to those mirrors. This brought some breathing room for me to have more alone time to analyze those mirrors. (yes, I said analyze...I use it as a tool and not a state of being) I've been running more, and that time has been like organic super-food for my awareness and healing. While running this week, I finally felt in my body where I've attached myself to some unhealthy relationship patterns and I began cord cutting like crazy... for about a mile's worth. And the weightlessness of it propelled me to have my best mile time ever!
Surprisingly, in my "sitting in it" time, I was blessed with an out-of-the-blue angel that I have only known a few months, but found myself allowing him to be there for me. Another surprisingly was the willingness of my most important relationship to work on the us of our relationship. Seeing the mirrors and sitting in the knowledge of what they show has brought me to speak my truth, redefine my truth, and feel like I'm more alone in my true self again. Can I just say, that it isn't easy to say directly how you feel, but as I found myself doing just that I realized it gave the person on the other end the information they needed to make the right choices for them. The truth, no matter how hurtful, does set us free!
Last night I made a fire in my stone circle, and surrendered to the fire all the awarenesses and left over juju from those cords I cut. Later last night, I felt bold and dare I say vulnerable enough to solo karaoke with some of the most inspiring people I have ever met. It was a boost to this process to do something I would have never done before. I shocked myself, and it kinda proved to myself that there is more of me to get to know.
I am about ready to get up, out of the sitting...maybe just a couple more things to look at. However, I feel I need somewhat of a game plan, a stragedy to repattern those actions and thoughts that got me here in the first place. I guess we'll see what the next couple of weeks bring by way of moving up and out of "sitting in it"!
For those of you who took my challenge to join me with this journey within, I'd like to ask you to ask yourself "what am I sitting in?" "what/who is keeping me attached to distractions?" "what is one thing I can do this week for myself that feeds my relationship with my soul?"
Many blessings of the journey well traveled. www.inquirewithin.me