Didn't think this was going to be shared. But when the soul speaks, I listen. So, anytime I offer soul inquiry on a video or a blog post; I myself take to the journal to answer the questions. I do the work I offer you to do. I walk beside you in process when you choose to dig deep too. As a guide, I'm on the journey, the exploration with you. So, my last blog post was an ass-kicker of a post in that I wasn't fully conscious of what was being written until it was done writing itself and the fire within impulsively sent it out anyway. The questions at the end of the post were really gritty, and as I did the work of answering them it became clear to post my responses to share. Why? Well, that is a good question. My mind said "you're kidding, right? This is personal stuff, nobody wants to see this. This makes me vulnerable and scared". My heart said "ummm, yeah, this is scary but I get it. It feels like walking the talk. I feel naked, I feel like it's the right move to let the cave bare all. I'm still scared though." My soul said "there is more medicine in sharing then there is is teaching".
- what is behind the avoidance of stillness? An incessant anxious fear that things don't get done in the stillness and things must get done!!! Thing is, getting all this outside stuff done makes me feel like I'm getting NOTHING done. All the pushing is not a match for my centered power. Under THAT is the fear of owning the power beholden in the stillness...the truth that lies there calling me into something bigger...Under THAT is what if I loose what I love about my life when I step into that powerful truth from the stillness. Under that is the courage to hold both what I love AND what is new because it feels exciting to take who and what I love with me into the adventure of awakening more.
- what emotion pushes down the magic of an open heart? Exhaustion. Feeling depleted and needing solitude. Need better boundaries...compassionate boundaries...clear boundaries...
- what thought is shackling creativity? Thinking that I'm pimping myself to the world with little return so why give out what isn't equally returned. What I have to create is sacred to me so I must protect who sees it so it isn't tainted with the judgements and negative emotions it might stir in others. And then I think why create at all if it means I've got to hide it. This shackles me on the surface...but there is a deep resonate engine driving my creative inspirations upward and it is constantly pushing me forward regardless of the shackles that slow it down. Is this what purpose does? Is this what purpose is? A need to do or create something that the thinking mind could walk away from but the feeling and knowing never goes away. Fuck, this is a trip into uncharted territory.
- who and what nurtures obstacles? (in order to protect the identity of the people, I've re-written this to be generally speaking) The agenda of so called diversity nurtures obstacles and the manipulation of this agenda not only nurtures but spreads the disease of separation which by itself is an obstacle. (if this is unclear, you just may need to ask me about it sometime) The voices, tapes, and programs of "not doing it right", "not being trusted to handle things in a certain way" totally nurture my obstacles...I get that there is more than one way to do something, I just wish I could be treated with the same respect. Past and present people that hold me to my old patterns is a painful obstacle. I nurture these obstacles by listening to the part of me that buys into this shit, that part of me that is wounded by this shit. That voice is clear, the rage around it is clear, and so it's easy to hear. This part of me is so tiny, such a small pocket of who I am, but it,'s clarity is easy to see. The rest of me, the bigger parts of me that are capable of helping this sad lil' part are not so clear...they are made of of air, fire, water, and earth...a bit more elusive and mysterious in their voice. I guess I just need to be okay with this. It helps to write this out, I see that I just need to spend some time loving and hearing that loud, wounded little piece of me. There is powerful release of resistance in being heard. I need to just take a moment, enter stillness with this piece and hear her wail, rage, and say all the gritty, dirty true things so they can become a different truth that his more helpful. I also see that I'm nurturing obstacles by resisting the reorganization of people in my life. Shits gotta shift.
- who and what nurtures success? (again with the identity protection) Oh, my stars...am I blessed with a herd of truly amazing beings roaming with me in my inner circle or what?!?! There are some true men that carry the medicine of the divine masculine and they inspire me to love my inner feminine. They are in service to those they love without keeping score...they serve because it feels good to, and this is a powerful gift. I have a handful of women who transcend the energy around them. These precious few close to my heart and soul are the ones who love all the versions of me, and I love all the versions of them. There is respect, and respect nurtures my desire to be successful...makes me feel like I can achieve it. Feeling capable nurtures success. A flexible structure nurtures success...solid foundation, flexible, evolving, remodeling all the time within the house on that solid foundation. Imbibing on creative actions nurture success.
- what really matters? (the kind that when stripped from having STUFF, what stuff would you have?) Have a deep, true, happy and equal exchanging relationship with people that I love and that love me. Those precious few that hold being authentic as a virtue. I want relationships that breed feelings of elated joy, acceptance, challenge, growth, growth, accomplishment, perspective, connection, trust, and partnering...equal...diverse, learning from each other. This is what matters to me...feeling in good relationship.
- what do the feelings of what matters feel like? What kind of question is this? Shit, it came from within me...weird. Okay, gotta dig here...what matters feels like my heart is expanding so far out that I don't sense a boundary line. What matters feels to me like this core truth that is so intrinsically woven into my soul that it has no language to speak it's message to my brain with....it is the heartbeat of my center. What matters feels like pure energy flooding my muscles and bones and cells, providing respite from the aches and pains of the physical body. What matters feels like wholeness in motion.
What does this sharing mean to you?
**please share if you are moved by this!