The last time I wrote you was over a month ago! Shit! I was doing so good about writing. When I left you last, I gave you a video for the new moon at the spring equinox, which I loved to share and it seems a lot of you liked it too! Anyway, a few days after that me and my lil’ fam headed out on our first ever, just the 3 of us and 2 dogs, family vacation. We got in our white-trashy fifth wheel and hit the road. (the white-trashy bit is an inside story I’ll share quickly...every RV park we went to had uber-glamourous RV’s...we were the white trash there based on our old RV and authentic truck...no pavement princesses here!) We explored towns in Oregon I’ve never been to and as an Oregon native I am saddened by how little I have seen of my beautiful state. Being raised in the country on a mini-ranch there isn’t much time for time out. Now, I want to see MORE. Holy cow this state is incredible in it’s landscape. Such diversity. Such heart. Shitty politics, as it is with civilization.
We hit the Oregon Vortex and Redwoods in northern California and holy WOW. I mean, WOW. The personality and ancient innocence from them rattled my bones. As someone who talks to trees frequently, I can say it is my experience that trees have immense energy and each species has their own unique characteristics. Now, having met the Redwoods I feel as though I’ve met wisdom. And to me it feels like knowing the tragedies of the world and still able to keep the heart light and the time left enjoyable. What a gift.
Trinidad California stole my heart. Which surprised me a bit because I’m not an ocean girl. Same with Yahatchs Oregon. It’s the small town bit. I miss small town living. This city life is loud. And by city I mean this town of 13,000 I live in and I hear some of you laughing. I’m laughing too!
The greatest gift of this trip was sweetness the three of us found in the container of our lil’ family...flowing around each of us and all of us together. Without the static of TV and over-devicing we still found ourselves in respectful loving silences...like we are at home. Each of us doing our own thing and coming together at some point during the day and night. This relieved my mama-heart in some rooted ways. It proved to me that this is just US...as a family...this is how we roll. We aren’t too distracted and disconnected, we are just a bunch of creative introverts living under one roof and our mobile home away from home showed me that this is just who we are and we are more than perfectly okay.
The first week of April when we got back I found out there’s a hole in my head which is explaining the migraines and blackouts. Relieving and oh-fucking all at once.
The week after that my sweet Vixen girl died suddenly from a ruptured tumor. She had given no indications of being not well so this was a shock. More than a shock. Brutal as a dear friend said when she called to offer love and condolences. Brutal heart break. I’ve lost people and pets and animals before. Hell, I’m the queen of death. I deal in death every year when I hunt. But Vixen...my precious sausage bean...she has been my healer as I travel this path of less than. She has been my love teacher, my joy igniter, my stop-for-cuteness maker. She (and Gixxer who is still alive) dug their way into my heart like no other dog has ever done. My mourning of her loss has been brutal. Gutting. It didn’t take long for her sweet spirit to visit and guide me. And this has helped SO much. Her spirit voice nudged me to see within myself that I have entered that place of being that is deeply feeling, authentic, honest, wild on a truer level, more alive and powerful and this is why loosing her is so brutal. And I asked for this! I have been calling to my powerful places. I’ve been shedding the filters. I’ve been laying to rest the dead weight within me. I’ve been hunting down my fear of fear, killing what isn’t true and feeding what is. I’ve been calling to my soul for more authentic truth which I know can only come from stronger feelings to guide my truth. And loosing my sweet baby has proven to me I have got all I’ve asked for and more. Because I got to love her and be loved by her. I got to drum to her, hold her eyes and sing her sacred songs as her soul left her body. I got the deep privilege of opening the portal for her to cross over and then carry her body to the freezer at the vet’s. I get to feel deeper and truer than I’ve ever felt and I hear her as I write this that this is where my clarity it. Anytime I need it. Clarity is in my feelers. I got more than I asked for because I didn’t ask to feel more pain, deeply, openly, and uninhibited….and it occurs to me that when I cast my spells/send my wishes/craft my intentions/do the healings I am asking for the capacity for more and there is always more of the more I’m asking for. Putting it bluntly, I am in a moment of choosing to resist or surrender that the old cliché of “taking the bad with the good”. And I choose surrender. I choose to feel more pain so I can feel stronger guidance. Plus, I have Vixen as a guide now, I feel I’m in good hands. ...or paws. I love you Vixey...always.
Now, here I am at May 1st. Beltane of 2015. Shit. One year ago today it was almost 100 degrees and I was boiling my bear skull with a circle of women. And when the last women was leaving, we agreed that we need to do a retreat together...to create a retreat together. This woman, Catherine, has stole my heart and has made me a better woman just by being who she is and it is humbling to call her friend.
One year ago today, her and I put into the powerful hands of the great mystery that is outside of us and within us to do magic together. Today I stand here having just completed a ReWilding Retreat with her and another delicious magic maker, Tiffanie who joined us shortly after we threw our hearts to the winds of desire. For the last year we have given our hearts to this collaboration. And it was good.
This retreat was a powerful sacred container of real soul work. We died, cried, loved, snuggled, howled, rebirthed, and dove deeply into the greatness of sisterhood. Nestled on the Sandy river and held by mama Mt. Hood, we WENT THERE! The places of shadows and light. The places of love and shakey grounds inside. The places of pushing through and expanding out. The places of surrender and claiming the path. The places of nourishment and hunger. I found myself allowing love, healing, and being cared for by the very people I was caring for. It has began a tremor effect of soul earth quaking my armored layers which is redefining my warrioress queen and what it means to be strong. It felt so good to be held...cradled by two lovely women while others drummed, myo’d, body wisdomed, moved energy, and beamed love into my healing space. It was holy. Allowing love is holy. And it’s fucking hard to do when you are the strong one who gets it all done and just keeps going no matter what. Allowing love is holy.
So, here I am...looking at the last year. And this last month of ass-kicking I’ve been handed. Beltane. A time of big ask, big fires, big desire, big big. I love the metaphor of this earth medicine holiday. The male and female aspects of life join together in desire to seed and feed life so there is a harvest in the fall in order for the life on earth can thrive.
Today I will honor both the god and goddess within me. I will light flames. I will ask big. I will honor the life in death. I will honor the death in life. I will honor life. I will connect, ask, feel, and crave. For I am sacred space and what I feel is what I know and what I know guides my path.
What is your big ask?
How will you honor it?
Love you for being here with me, XOXOXO