Me: "What's next?'
Myself: "Uhhh, not sure. What do I want to do? Where to start? Can I do it?"
I: "What am I waiting for? Just take one step forward. Let the BEing and the DOing become one with each step."
Above is a sampler of the conversations that happen in my inner world. It seems that I have this conversation often. It is so easy for me to give 110% of my focus, motivation, and skills to others in my community, yet it is like pulling freakin' teeth to get me to do all that for myself in my own work.
In my last post, I wrote of chaos and all it's goodness. And it's been a LONG while since I have had a chance to post again. (I have missed writing so much!) Anyway, I took on a volunteer position this year that kinda took over my time and focus. The break from my regularly scheduled goals and career provided me with the awareness to ask some hard questions: do I really want to be doing ___________? Who am I really setting my goals for? Etc. Now that the event is done, and my work for it waning drastically, I'm being provided the questions: is it balanced to give SO much of my time away if it means putting my goals on hold? How do I go into the next round of this volunteer work with balanced boundaries of my time? Aren't I worth putting the same amount of effort into my own success that I put into the success of my community event?
And there it is...the reason an imbalance takes root...feeling unworthy. When I get to the root of something it is like blasting a huge hole in a brick wall with some C4. I can see the other side! And in this case...of course I'm worthy! So are you, and you, and my dog, and you....
Chaos got me into this imbalance, and chaos is getting me out. A great thing about chaos is it's nature to disrupt with an unpredictable certainty, it knocks you off center so you can see and ask things you wouldn't have done otherwise. It's purpose is to not lay out your next step, but instead to give you the experiences of contrast so you can feel what you want your next step to be. A step of your own creating, your own vision, and your own growl!
Me: "the BEing and DOing becoming one?!? WTF?"
Myself: "what am I BEing? How do I do this? What does this look like?"
I: "looks like this is step one..."