Gentle. Gentleness. Being Gentle.
Why is this so hard for me? I'm currently stepping into the waters of Deer medicine with my sisters over at SouLodge. Deer is very gentle and encourages one to be gentle with themselves. Be gentle with awareness. Gentle with others...knowing you can simply vanish in an instant to stay safe. Sounds great, right? I think it does. It sounds delightful, a bit luxurious, free-ing even.
And I LOVE witnessing others being gentle with themselves.
Yet, when I enter my inner waters of gentleness, the depth dwelling rage monster awakens and storms up to hover just under the surface. Growling. Sniffing the air of bullshit. Poking me with the branding iron of seething anger and irritation. It feels hot. Intense. Waves of heart pounding "flight" response.
Why is my Self gentle, not so gentle?
♠In my mind, I think this is non-productive. Unauthentic. A waste of gentle possibilities. ♥In my heart, I crave...like starving-ly crave...to embrace the feeling of treating myself gently. To hold my heart and my body with accepting love. To feel the expansion that I imagine being gentle might bring. Ö In my soul, I want to invite that rage monster to show itself above the surface. To look it in the eye with a look that lets it know that it is safe to let it loose. To celebrate in it's release. To hold the space for it to breath it's fire, scream to the sky, and splash around with wild abandon.
It's beautifully challenging.
Maybe it's just me and here I'm at right now; but, I am observing and sensing lots of chaotic inner voices being carried through the Earth, Air and humans. Which is kinda new to me, given that this time of year people are happier due to the warmer weather, the sunshine, the promise of changing schedules, etc. This time of year, the vibrancy of the natural world beams with happy-making. Under the usual beauty of early summer this year is a pulsing current of something else. It doesn't feel gentle, but can I BE gentle with it? I'm not sure that looks like, but it feels like a maiden innocently approaching the dragon-esque rage monster...wide eyed and holding the gaze. Feels like being fully in that innocence and sending an ass-ton of mothering love to it. Holding and holding and radiating...not backing down...choosing to feel the uncomfortable newness of standing my loving ground and choosing to resist my tendency to cut and run. Forging new paths of being.
I'm left with this...
The other side of gentle is harsh. To me, making space in my Self to hold both is what keeps me on the path of being whole. I do not desire to rip my rage monster out of my system and compound rage with loss. This is not gentle. I do not desire to repress my virgin gentle-ness so she never gets a chance to live life within me. I DO desire to be BOTH the rage monster and the innocent maiden of loving gentleness....holding each others gaze with rich energetic communication and connection.... And this is what I choose to do until the rage monster has had it's say and can move on to something more gentle and self-accepting.
So, if I'm not alone in this, it makes me think my June 22nd Soul Craft Circle will be stirring a strong brew of facing and releasing with love. Of course, I won't know for sure until it's over. The magic of these circles is that they are in a free-flowing free range energy of the wild souls. They create themselves without rigidity, and remain authentic to the moment. Anyway, (a small plug for this event) if you feel called to this circle, registration is now open HERE.