Good lawd, the process of letting go is wrought with conflict, tragedy, villains and heroes/heroines. A story line to make even Shakespeare want to up his game. "Oh, what a tangled web we weave...."
The story of HAVING to let go...I SHOULD let go...it's creates the act of reaching in and uprooting whatever it is from it's home inside of you and dragging it out in front of you to dangle over that cliff into the abyss of transformation.....
And then you release your grip and let go....all those bits of who you are being shamefully told they are wrong and they are banished...all those bits of who you are getting further and further away from you. Your hand is still reached out in front of you, feeling the sweet breezy moment of release. The open palm, an open receptacle to reach out and grab something else on the wind. Or maybe, still holding the energetic reside of the very thing you let go of.
Inside, there is something missing. And that empty space remembers what was there, now with the added bonus of being a proud owner of shame for having that thing there in the first place. Great. A voice of shame. The pain, discomfort, and disconnection of shame on top of the loss of a part of who you are.
This has been an inner dialogue I've been enjoying the last week or so. For me, it's the "caring what others think of me" trap. My whole life I have either been told or have said to myself that I shouldn't care what people think of me. I have to let go of their judgments or criticisms, etc. I'm now 37 and if it hasn't happened yet, maybe this isn't the approach I need to take in order to authentically be free and whole and awesome. The should's and have to's of letting go aren't working, it only creates a return of the problem later on.
What if instead of saying "I need to let go of caring what ______________thinks of me". I say "I DO care what people think of me. And I accept that I care. Because I want to feel loved, and I care about feeling loved...it feels good to be loved. So, yeah...I care what people think. I accept that what isn't working is my denial that it's okay that not everyone love me, like me or approve of me. I accept that those I am trying to please CAN have my permission and my support to not like me." In accepting this, I define my space and acknowledge their space...good boundaries keeping.
In this, I don't have to painfully, dramatically, extract something in me that is there to magnetize love my way. In accepting that I do care what people think, I am allowing myself wholeness. I am practicing self love and flow. I am honoring my power by keeping it a part of me. I am recalibrating myself to be in the pathway for that magnetized love fest.
So, I have to accept...not let go of...that people don't like me and it's okay for this to hurt for awhile. Because in the allowance of the sorrow, I'm vulnerable and when I'm vulnerable the people that do love me show up as superheros and remind me that I'm pretty fucking great.
You know who you are....and thank you.
I'm finding that it feels good to accept and choose another way than it is to let go. In the old process of forcing a "letting go" I have been creating fear, shame, and another wound to replace the wound I released. This new way of owning it and accepting it, gives me options and space to create an option that matches who I am while providing love of self. I can see clearly what is real as it dances with what I want. And THIS gives me a path out of the pain while remaining whole...in wholeness, fear is an ally and has many beneficial properties.
I want to be a woman who accepts that she cares what others think of her because caring feels a hell-a-va lot more authentic and true in contrast to pretending that I don't care.
PS. wanna befriend and re-relationship yourself with fear? Join me in a Soul Craft E-circle in September. We will be trekking the badlands of fear, Soul Craft Style.
PPS. 4 spots still left for Drum making with Elk, September 13th, 2014