"Bravery happened. Courage to feel the pain of sorrow and grief happened. Walking through resistance in order to connect to unknown happened. There is SO MUCH power in this. SO MUCH life. It opens portals in the inner world. Portals to parts of myself I didn't even know possible and new lands of self to explore. It's that gritty moment of growling "fuck off, you're lying" to the mind chatter when I've reached my limit with the reasons not to show up and reach out...that intense aliveness of facing that monster of fear or resistance and walking through it...that unbound freedom I feel on the other side where I realize I have so much to learn about yourself. And this feels incredible....magical...right." ~notes from my journal
Today I went back. I revisited journals from this past year. I need to remember those moments of success right now because fear of failing and I are building a new relationship. With two circles scheduled this month, fear of failure is having a Devil's Night in my inner world. (bonus points if you get that reference) What if I suck? What if those showing up don't get value from my work? Oh my god, that would hurt. Afraid to hurt. What if I let them down? Afraid to let myself down. Oh my god, the house isn't perfect. Afraid to not grow, progress, or see results. (I like results, solutions, and action with my soul) Isn't it easier to just not try? (maybe...but where's the fun in that?) I know I'm not the only one to have thoughts like this.
And prompted by the glorious Jane Cunningham, I took a hike to my inner world and hunting down the voice speaking fear of failure in my brain. After a quick lil' chat, the kind of chat where I actually listen, I heard my fear also tell me it's trying to get my attention! There are some things I'm thinking and behaviors I'm choosing that are not cool, man...not cool. And the fear is playing out in a way that feels stuck because it's really not in my best interest to continue with these things in play if I'm to be on a true path. My fear of failing has a wisdom to it that when honored actually becomes helpful. The shitty stuff isn't all that it has to offer. It has a light side to it's darkness, just like I do. I think the difference is when I let the fear of failure become an mind only conversation, it stays stuck in sabotage and crazy-making. After conversing with it using my mind, my heart, my body and my soul...well that is when it becomes a friend that is trying to help me and I feel relief from hearing my lighter side of fear....the medicine of it, so to speak. Because the truth of it all is I want to succeed in my work. I want to create, accomplish and grow. I know in my bones I have what it takes to do it my way.
I can't say the fear is gone. I don't think it is realistic to be void of fear forever. Not sure I'd want it gone now that I I can say there's just more to it and it's softened. And this is a place I can flow forward with in wholeness. This is Soul Crafting. The fear is in my soul, and I'm crafting a new way to relate to it...with intention.
Re-relationshipping Fear...yep, I love this phrase. Love it chose me, love that it can work on just about anything. It seems helpful to revisit how much I've done this year. To revisit these words above to remind me how great if felt upon a breakthrough from a different fear. To show my current fear that there is another way for it to exist and feel itself within me. Yeah...this helps...kinda feels like maybe there is a way to trust each other.
Thank for "listening". My wish is that you got something to think about out of this. If you are feeling nudge by fear and want to re-relationship it with me, join me for a 10-day Soul Craft E-circle beginning September 21st. All of this today, is possible because I'm scouting the badlands of fear now so I can guide others later. Blessed be! Nissa