A Mother...The Mother...and Choosing them Both

Over a year ago, Lindsay Luna of Alter & Leaf Apotheca asked for guest blogger for her powerful tea coven. This is what I wrote for her and her tribe with the addition of expanded content that my heart had to add...and it feels time to share it with you...

MOTHER

Mother. A female parent. But, what does this mean? A role. A job. An essence. A voice within. I am a mother to a daughter. I am a daughter to the mother within me. My mother wound is rooted in me being a daughter...it's the daughter part of me that feels the pain of the mother wound. My mother wound begins healing from the mother within me. And this requires a hell-of-a lot more than a job. It needs the support of THE mother...in all her sacred ways.

 

Confession::


I never wanted to be a mother. I am selfish and ambitious. I didn't want to continue the bloodlines of my matriarchy, for I don't find them to be something I'd be proud to pass on. So, when I found myself knocked up at 21, by a man-boy I didn't love and who didn't treat me well, I had to declare war on those bloodlines. To stand in this lifetime as the warrior and the fool. My inner warrior defends the fool in me. The fool is in constant beginning again to keep my actions as a mother open to change. To keep me optimistic and willing to create the vision of a new direction for the descendants of a very broken and unhealthy bloodline. Being a mother has never been an easy shoe for me to put on. It doesn't come naturally. I'm tough. I'm alpha. Birthing my daughter freed my heart to have a say in life. Becoming a mother, and choosing to be the mother gives me who I am today....and tomorrow...and a year from now. My sacred mothering rule book is in constant edit...as is my life.


I see a difference between being A mother and being THE mother. And I am proud of the moments I show up as THE mother when I am being a mother to my child. These moments...steps towards healing the wounds I carry from being a daughter. These moments...steps away from the stories of my past, weaving new stories of now that shoot ahead of me to carve out a trail for me to travel. A trail of tossing the book of motherhood I endured as a daughter...the same book that was shoved down my throat...the same book that haunts my breath with whispers of doubt...the same book that I choose often to no longer agree with.

 

The actions I choose write the story of the mothering rule book I am writing for ME. A book I will not force onto my daughter. A book I will edit for the rest of my life. On a regular basis, I choose to toss out the mothering rule book that was forced on me and still cycles around with whispers in my blood and DNA. Often, I must remember that I do not agree with those coded messages. I follow that with remembering what I do agree with...and what is true is almost always something I know or feel in the current moment. Tossing out the mothering rule book is one way to define and begin being your own mother...to and for yourself...to and for your family...to and for your creations.


A mother does. She is active. Doing the things that take care of those in her care. A mother puts others first as to be in service with love. Often so much that she is left depleted, sacrificed, and compromised. She may be found exhausted, wild-eyed, and on edge. Been there. Done that. Still do it, I am human after all. And doing gets shit done...a very clear and present responsibility in the heart of a mama.


THE mother is an aspect in all beings that can be activated and utilized to embody a divine feminine from our souls. I have seen the mother in my husband when he comforts me instead of fixing me. I have seen it in my dogs when they sit by me in times of trepidation...silent, still, and radiating love presence. I know it's power when I defend my daughter's right to be who she is. I see it in my sacred sisters when they love me through a tough time...without expectation...without judgment...and lots of space for me to roam my path. I see the mother in a women without a child who mothers her art, passions, and creations. The mother is the life essence necessary for any creative path. An idea remains formless without the gifts of the mother to gestate it's form, nurture it's essence, and birth it into the world. I see it in child-less women who give pure, present love to all children and beings around them. I know several women without children who embody and live the mother so much better than I do as a mother.


When I am A mother I talk too much, guide too fast, and schedule too strongly. When I am a mother, I mindlessly reply “I love you too” and get back the duties of a mother. I will frequently project rationalization into the pain one is feeling in order to clean up the emotional mess and get back to what needs to get done. Being a mother to me is quite bluntly, a job. A shit-ton of work goes into feeling like I'm doing a good job. It feels like scarcity and sacrifice and worry. It feels like auto-pilot. An act. A script I've memorized at some distant past time.


When I am THE mother I listen with sacred ears, witness as human to human, and remember to play. When I am the mother, I halt time and space to fully feel the hug or the tears. When I am the mother, I am the world to my family. Their world. Our world. The world that provides our family environment. I direct the quality of the air in our home, standing as guardian to communication and truths being told. Encouraging ideas to be created and birthed. The mother in me lights the inner fires for all to see their own way. Tending to those fires and dancing in celebration around their flames. I am the steward of the watersheds by making sure I rain as much as they do. Occasionally undamming the retained emotions that allows for flow and healing. As the mother, I am the earth that quakes with direction and leadership. I ensure the ground we walk on is nourished and solid. When I am the mother, I feel spacious. Soft. Strong. Welcoming. Worthy.


When I am a mother, I tell myself I have to take care of everything and everyone. When I am the mother, I slow down while welcoming the receiving of help, support, and adoration.


Being A mother is a choice I only had to make once.


Being THE mother is a choice I have to make every moment of every day.


And sometimes I fail. Miserably. This is when I turn to the mother that is greater than me. Nature. She models to me all I need to be the mother. She reminds me that connection, observation, seeing the unseen, and being held in my roots is the key to my super power as the mother. She reflects to me the power in being my own mother so I can be a mother I am proud of.


A mother DOES.
The mother IS.
All mothers matter.


Soul Craft Time! Ask yourself these questions or respond to them in a journal:

  • As a child, what am I missing from my mother
  • How can I give this to myself?
  • How can I give this to others?
  • What qualities or feelings do I value about my mother?
  • What qualities in me are covered up by her?
  • What aspect or part of me is aching to be liberated from that confinement?
  • Who will I be without this restraint?
  • What am I doing with this freedom?
  • I forgive...
  • My ideal mother is....
  • I can be that by....

Now, take some deep breaths and settle into your body. If you are familiar with the smudging ritual, I invite you to clear and create your sacred space. If not, just step away from your day, get into a relaxed and open position and enjoy this sacred sound track, it holds the intention of healing the stories. You are invited, and granted permission to heal, empower, fill up, release, activate, and allow all that you need to right now to bring into balanced wholeness THE mother within you.


When you are done, take some time to reflect, inquire, declare any shifts you may be feeling. Is there anything different? What? How is your mind? Your heart? Your body? Your soul? Did any spirit guides show up? What did they show you? Owing and declaring the shifts your create bring your stories of now to life.

 

Comment below to get a witness and celebration!


Blessings to you of knowing and being THE mother when you are in the actions of being A mother.
Big love to you,

Nissa

 

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Mother_graphic

Bear Medicine & Showing Up

I was gifted a bear hide last year. It came to me frozen, so I just put it right into the freezer. Thinking the hide was just the body of the bear without the head and paws. It was a small black bear, so I was thinking I'd just make rattles and a drum out of it.  And so it sat in it's ice cave until this lady happened.... DSCF1024This is Pixie Campbell, mama of SouLodge. She is a powerful guide, supporter of women, and fellow magic maker. On Imbolc of this year I was sitting in a circle of hers and there was this spark of universe mapping a path from her heart to mine, and long story short...It was decided that I am to use that bear hide to facilitate a rattle making workshop for one of her other groups. What an honor to be asked to do this. I am still moved to tears by her trust in me to hold the space for her group.

The date was set for late March. For the time in between saying yes and showing up, I had numerous dreams of failing the group and the process with epic proportions. During this time there was deep dismembering of so many wounds. More than once I was in journeys to explore my anxiety and bear claws were just ripping me to shreds. Wounds of past teachers, community, family, and beliefs...being ripped out of me. I even felt it during the daily mundane stuff. The time of breaking down, harvesting, and thinnin' the herd. Dismemberment can be scary, and what falls down, will rise again.  During this time another dream showed up 3 different times. A dream where the bear hide was complete with head and paws, it was in the center of a circle of women. The bear laid out as offering and as receiver of healing. In the dream, I couldn't see who the women were, but I saw each women's pair of hands touching the edge of the hide, encircling him with grief and love. A drum beat encircled the group like a womb and I would wake up. Emotionally covered in the reside of this connection and power. Waking up like it had already happened and feeling lost in time with confusion.

Prepping a hide by hand for sacred sound making begins a week before you begin. The class was set for a Saturday. So on Monday I went to the bears ice cave, pulled him out, and this happened:

Face and paws. My dismemberment was complete in that instant. My dream was right. Worlds within me collided as soul parts came home, and all anxiety of failing was eliminated. I messaged Pixie and told her that bear rattles could not happen now. "Thank goodness I brought my buck hide home last fall" I said to myself. And went about getting the buck hide out too and pulling up my big girl panties to buckle down and work two hides that week instead of one. And not only two hides, but I had to remove the skull and paws...which I'd never done before. This was a showing up and a trust that magic is made of. I was so blessed to have Pixie come out later that week to help. We dehaired the buck hide and took the bear skull out together. And ya know one of the reasons I love working with the remains of wild animals is that when you get into dismembering their remains, the inside of the their bodies show you how to do it as you uncover bit by bit. And I feel from this that instinct connection. It reminds me of life: when you show up for something, especially an unknown, it's not so much about knowing what to do before you do it, it's all about uncovering how you can do it one bit at a time. One step at a time. One knife slice at at time, and the body with show you where to go next.

IMG_9245

Once we got the hide off the skull the bears' third eye chakra burst open, reached out and grabbed my third eye and pulled my forehead to the freshly skinned skull. I was given visions from his spirit of his life. How he lived in awe of the stars. Searching through the night for a wide open space to see as many as he could. I saw him in clearings looking up and filling his breath with those stars. I saw how he knew there was more than just being a bear, not that a bear was not great...it is. He knew that he had more to experience that he couldn't experience in a bear body. He showed me that this is one reason for being willing to die so young. For things must die when embarking on a new choice. Young ideas sometimes need to die too, in order to choose another idea that will have a better life. I also saw that his spirit hadn't been able to move on and he wanted to be held in fire until the group could be a part of his transition. Then I was released from his skull and Pixie and I went back to our day. We finished up, said our good byes, and I lit his candle.

IMG_9948

Gathering day! Oh, man I was so excited and happy. I met and held space for incredible women who carry impeccable integrity of sisterhood. Each one of them touched and opened my heart. Healing the wounds of tribes and relationships past. These are the wise women of today and they radiate authenticity.  The deer hide was laid out when we circled up, and then we laid out the bear on top. Bravery happened. Courage to feel the pain of sorrow and grief happened. Walking through resistance in order to connect to unknown happened. These women reached out and laid their hands around his edges and on his body. Encircling him with love and grief. I began drumming to the beat of the womb power. The womb of his transition. My dream had literally come true. And then it just got better....together we crossed him over and freed his soul. He is on to his next thing.

His body was then my new experimental project. I tanned him, which again, I went into this with very little knowledge or prepared process. I again showed up without certainty and intentionally DID with my heart leading the way. I thought with my heart and finally got what it's like to truly move from intuition. I learned so much on his young body and feel daily doses of Earth medicine...and I let him hold me...a lot. And I like to scare my four legged babies while crawling on the floor with him over me. But mostly, I sit in meditation on him. I wrap myself up in his tiny bear body and practice letting myself be held.

IMG_2384Wow, this has been a long post, so I should wrap it up. Thank you for listening, and witnessing what Pixie rightfully called my initiation. Initiation into what? I don't know for sure, but I'm showing up for it every day in subtle ways...like practicing be held...And I'm showing up without knowing what I should be doing, so I can show up with what I can do each step of the way.

There is a whole other story of the King Buck interwoven with this Bear, but I will release that after all my upcoming rattles from him are already sold and the buyers hear the story first. So, stay tuned!!

I'll leave you with this: did this post stir something in you? If so, what? What is true about this for you? What do you need to show up for this in your Self? Blessings of my bear's hugs. Blessed be. Nissa

Did you like this post? Like it, share it, comment, and feel free to share back what you will show up for.

 

 

 

Soul Crafting the Body (there's a recipe in here)

fugeycups

What?

That's right, the body. This miraculous meat suite that ages and evolves and regenerates new cells every day. It is our vehicle for feeling. Without this body, we wouldn't feel. Without feeling we aren't guided on our own wild path of life.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said:

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

The second half of this quote really set the woo-woo world on fire. I think it gave permission to boldy go where most hadn't gone yet....the greater essence of life outside, inside, and beyond the body.

Yin Yang, people....yin/yang.

We are ALSO human beings being a spiritual being being a human being.  (did I loose ya?) I am gut-laughing as I type this because this is fucking genius and I didn't quite realize how simple this is until I wrote it....just now. Ahhh the glories of blogging....

Anyway, point is. I want to LOVE my body for the spirit and soul it carries. I want to honor it as equally as I do my soul. I want to be WHOLE in this human and spirit experience and for me, that means allowing both sides to be seen and heard.

The body has these feeling senses that allows the soul to communicate, to learn, and to express itself through crafting our lives.  The spiritual being relies on the human being body to apply purpose, creation, and wisdom. And isn't it incredible that our spirits can feel touch, smell fresh cut grass, hear the wind in the trees, and taste delicious food.  Our spiritual beings wouldn't know this ecstasy without our human being bodies.

Okay, so the body matters. How you feel about your body. How you care for your body. Do you listen to your body? Do you take time to experience your senses? Today I feel like doing something I've never done before: give you a recipe ritual.

Recipe first: Fudgey Peanut Butter Cups (can be doubled)

In a small pot slowly melt at a medium heat:

  • 1/2 c. raw, virgin, cold pressed coconut oil, and when it's almost completely melted turn off heat and add
  • 1/2 c. raw peanut butter (or whatever you want/have or sunbutter for the nut allergics)
  • 1/3 c. raw honey (can be reduced to 1/4 c. if you want a darker chocolate experience)
  • 1/2 c. raw cocoa powder
  • splashes of vanilla
  • dashes of instant espresso powder (optional)

Wisk all these ingredients together until well combined. Then use an immersion blender in the mix for several minutes. The mix will smooth out and volume up.

Let cool for about 15-20 minutes.While cooling, prepare your treat recepticle. I use a mini muffin pan lined with silicone cups. You can use big muffin pans lined with paper cups. Or something else. If you have silicone molds or cups, it will be easier to get to while ravenously enjoying your treat...and easier to clean. But use what you have.

Pour into plastic lock bag and seal. Clip a small corner of the bag to make an opening to dispense the yummy goodness. And begin bag piping your yummies into whatever cups you are using. Place in fridge until set. Keep in fridge.

Ritual Time: You can prep for this while your yummies are setting in the fridge!

Smudge your self and your home. While doing this, take DEEP breaths and let your worries go.  Seek out the end of your exhale and drop your Self into the body, feeling yourself open, shift, and relax. Keeping reaching for and connecting more to that silence at the end of your exhale. Enjoy the experience of your senses. Let go and BE.

Do something that feels luxurious to you. A cup of something in a candlelit bath? A nap? Meditate? Yoga? Journal write? Draw? Whatever it is...take 30 minutes and do it for YOU. And do it with heightened senses...FEEL what you are doing. Experience the feeling of what you are doing and experience it from the inside of your human body.

When it's time to eat your fudgey treat, remain in the bigness of your being. What does it really feel like to grab the refrigerator door and open it. Focus on feeling the coldness of the pan. Open your heart to the beauty of the dark lil' yummies. Let the floodgates of excitement roll out of your cells as you slowly pick up a fudgey cup...go slowly, feel every moment...marvel at your creation...what does it feel like in your fingers? Smell it. Taste it. Chew slowly, gently, and with love of the moment. Feel your body swell with celebration at the juicy enjoyment of your whole sensory system engaged, ignited, and enlivened. Feel what you feel and then...just....fucking....love...it!

Now, can you honestly tell me that this isn't a spiritual experience? If you did do this, and want to share your experience, I'd love to hear your comments below. Or if you blog yourself, share it there. Whatever! Just try and experiment with this thing called human life.

We are ALSO human beings being a spiritual being being a human being. ~Nissa (quote that shit!)

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/p/pierreteil160888.html#jT1TUTpAiseXLu1k.99

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/p/pierreteil160888.html#jT1TUTpAiseXLu1k.99

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/p/pierreteil160888.html#jT1TUTpAiseXLu1k.99