The rest of the story...

I've mentioned in a previous video newsletter that I am starting to show up on Instagram differently. I want to find ways to build more connections outside of apps and scrolls and feeds and such. I want this list to be what builds. And…my thought is…if someone subscribes, they are saying a deeper yes to my medicine and I'm all about positive reinforcement. So, I have been giving social media less of me so I can give this list more of me. AND…then my ReWilders get all of me! (doors open in September)

 

There is so much more to me than what you see on social media. Social media seems to be the highlight reel of one's life and I'm starting to accept that. AND…because it doesn't taste great in my mouth, I am experimenting with new ideas for my voice…like this blog post here. (is it even a blog anymore? Isn't blogging, like, SO 7 years ago?!?!)

 

All this is leading me to tell you the rest of the story from an Instagram post.

 

 Winter comes over around 8:30am. She reminds me again of how much she loves how "real" I am and I kinda have to make myself receive the compliment...but it is one of my favorites to receive. Truth is...I'm puzzled by it a bit because it's hard NOT to be real. Truth is…I'm the level of real she loves when I'm in an environment my body and spirit feel safe in. If someone either feels safe or proves themselves to not feel safe, then they get a less real version of me. I like what Brene' Brown says…"not everyone deserves your vulnerability". Winter is the kind of woman who makes vulnerability fun …so it's easier to be real and vulnerable with her.

 

Winter has paddleboards and invited to take me out paddleboarding. What she didn't know until she came to my house that morning is that I HATE being in the water. I've been in a lot of it in my life. As a kid I was a great at water skiing because I didn't want to be in the water and would often stay up longer than was good for me because I dreaded the float-waiting to be picked up. I can't swim-swim…only doggy paddle. More than once, in a body of water, something grabbed my ankle or shin, tugged on me, and let go. Freaked me the fuck out. And because my emotions about it at the time were treated with dismissal, annoyance, shame, and anger…there is some trauma there.

 

AND…

 

Knowing there is trauma around water is why I said yes to the paddleboarding. Knowing I would be thrust into anxiety, trauma burn, and general hot-mess-ness is why I wanted to do it. I know that I have to do the things I'm triggered over and give my emotional self the treatment it needs/deserves to overcome trauma.

 

Before she got to my home that day, I had already mothered myself into some agreements that were evolutionary AND safe. "Even if I don't stand up on the board, and have fun, then that is okay." "Even if I only enjoy it for 15 minutes, I will get my ass to land and wait until she's done…and it will be okay for me to do this." "It's okay to be embarrassed". Etc. This self-talk brought me the agreements that moved me forward. And bless my daughter…when she found out what I was doing she was shocked! "Mom, just you saying yes to this is huge for you". That was probably the most validating and mothering of them all, and being seen by her in this way empowered the crap out of me. All those lil' parts of me relaxed and said "hell yeah! This is huge and now we can do a little bit more".

 

Winter and I enjoy the morning with coffee on my newly built deck for awhile and then we decide it's time to get going. We found a small lake about 20 minutes away and walk in to see if it will work for us. It will, it's hella cute, and I didn't even know it was there. We walk back to her rig to get the boards and decide to try the other road to see if we can drive down to the lake from another direction. We can't. But in the quest of this, Winter's Element got her first off-road drive and that was exciting.

 

When we get back to where we began, there was a car there. Winter firmly declared we aren't doing it if people are there. So we headed back to the road to go somewhere else. From here it just goes into a spontaneous tornado of awesome and we just rode it out. The tummies were rumbling so we went to my daughters work for lunch. Winter speaks her truth and says it's now too cold to paddleboard. And I didn't disagree. She asked me with a joking curl to her mouth if I was upset by that. And honestly, I was in the sense that I was ready to overcome some water trauma…and I wasn't in the sense that it was not mid-day and I needed a nap. We decided to reschedule paddleboarding in the next month or so and hit a couple more spots of spontaneous awesome before she went home.

 

After she left I was trying to nap (didn't get one though because my nerves were to stimulated), and kept hearing her question in my bones…."are you disappointed that we aren't' going now?". I poked several parts of me to see if any where harboring some demons or saboteurs that I need to flesh out in this question and I really didn't. The most amazing thing about having a growth mindset is that every now and then you get a wallop of "wow, I genuinely feel this truth that makes me proud of who I am". I genuinely felt disappointed that we didn't go. This feels like a beautiful surprise…a becoming of a stronger me…a piece of evidence in favor of "working" on myself all year long and not just when I'm in the underworld and it hurts and it's obvious I'm in some shit. The awareness that I was disappointed that I didn't do the thing I was terrified of has created a door inside me that I will open soon and get to know a whole new part of me that I can already smell on the winds of my inner world…and I like her already.

 

This is why I ReWild Wholeness…so I can own the growth & empowerment. This is why I do it all year long and not just for a couple of months or once a month or 8 times a year. It's a growth mindset…and one that mirrors the mystical, the ancients, and the power of Nature. Doors open in September and it's a time when people can leave or enter and we begin another season…the dark side of the year. I’m giving you a longer that usual time to prepare this time. ;)

 

REFLECTIONS:::sink in and ask yourself…

What haven't you done because of trauma? What one step can you take to overcome it? Even if that step is saying yes to doing it and not getting to do it! What is that step. Will you take it? Consider ReWilding Wholeness as a place to pick the bones of it.

SHOUT OUT:::you will sometimes find me in Winter’s Monday morning Primal Vinyasa class at Yoga Union in Portland. If you are in Portland…GO THERE! The café in the building is amaze-balls. Winter is co-owner of Prema Health, a wellness center in the Yoga Union building. I’ve had some private sessions with her this year that have not only kicked my ass in a good way, she has given me things to do at home to focus the mind/body connection that really amps up what I’ve learned in PV training with Annie. AND…they sell my skin food at Prema….so if you are in Portland, Oregon…get your cute lil’ tooshy over to this hamlet in the city and soak in some self-care.




Evolution of a belief...

Within the last couple of months, a friend of mine was honoring a couple of dead birds by processing them in medicine, to make medicine, and psychopomp them in her beautiful, ritualistic ways. I am somewhat known to be somebody who is good with death and rebirthing dead bodies. She came to me a little unsure in declaring that these two different birds were going to be unified in their end. The challenge for her was that once upon a time she heard me speak to a group of circled women about mixing the medicines of Earth. And in that once upon a time, in this circle women I spoke about not mixing different medicines because everything has its place in nature. 

Now, at that once upon a time, that is a belief I agreed to. And I did not realize how much my belief had changed until she came to me unsure and questioning and seeking advice. Because now I agree to a belief a free range medicine. And doing what you have to do to either make the medicine, or shift the shit, or rewild the parts of you back into wholeness. Now, I agree to acting from the knowing within me...doing things from that spirit guidance...and above all, sacred listening. This means to me that if MY medicine requires mixed medicine...then dagnabit, I will mix my medicines and do what is true for me.

When she came to me that day unsure and questioning and seeking my advice I was comically stunned at the fact that I had no recollection of the speech I gave that held such an impact on her. I still giggle at my reaction in that moment, thinking she must be thinking of somebody else. But it was me that said that. It was me that, once upon a time, believed that you could not mix a deer with an elk. It was me that ,once a upon a time, believed you could not mix an owl with a rabbit. Boy o boy have times changed. 

Since that time of believing that medicines could not be mixed, I have witnessed deer and Elk grazing in the same field, commingling without fear or judgment but with respect and awareness of the differences between them. Since that time I've seen a coyote pup play with a domestic dog pup. Since that time I have seen antelope feed with beef cattle. And since that time I have listened to the spirit of drums that I birth request fur of a different kind to be their handle. Since that time I have changed because my experiences of Life have brought me different perspectives...and my beliefs have changed too...with or without my consent or awareness. #changewiththechange

Now, I will not say that my once upon a time belief is wrong, or no longer valuable, or does not have its own truth, or isn't right for somebody else. I will say that my agreement to it has changed. I will say that I now understand and stand in the vision  of more than one way, belief, and truth. I will say that for me to remain free in my power, and my medicine, and in my life, and my being...my beliefs don't have to change necessarily but my agreements to the beliefs change naturally and organically with or without my awareness or conscious involvement. It's like...the opposing beliefs both still exist within me...as do all things and possibilities...AND, it's in MY agreement to whatever one works for the situations that enables my inner freedom. I will say that I notice a lot less weight in my being. I notice a lot less cords to be cut. I notice less self-harm through poisonous inner-talk. I notice wholeness in action. 

I also noticed that when I am not aware of myself and my changing agreements I stagnate myself, I hold myself back, I am grappled with my inner demons and saboteurs, and I am weighed down by the carcassed agreements that I'm still feeding off of subconsciously. I don't have to shame or blame anything about the belief that no longer floats my boat...I simply tell myself "huh...I no longer agree to that", and move on in the direction of my power and peace. It's not about either belief being right or wrong...both are true in the grand scheme of existence...it's about my right to choose what I agree to and my responsibility to change with my changing agreements. 

Sounds simple, right? Well, it kinda is. It may not be easy, but it's simple. And for me, simplicity breeds ease. And there will be little deaths but they won't kill you...AND...there are little deaths all through Life whether we like it or not...so we might as well make the best of it and evolve ourselves and our agreements...this is my thought anyway…

I feel a bit bad, actually. I feel bad that by sharing my voice once upon a time made my friend feel trapped to that idea or belief. I appreciate the awareness of the gravity of the impact leaders have on people. AND...we both are human on this Earth together...we both evolve and grow and learn. I am grateful she braved asking me about that belief I shared once upon a time because we both learned and grew through it. And I am now bodily aware of the importance of making sure I share my stories and medicine from a place of "this is me" and not so much from a place of "this is how it is". 

I can see value in the power we have in our beliefs. I can see that wherever there is one belief there is its equal and opposite as well. I am learning that one way to remain wild and free in a world of equal and opposite dualities, polarities, and factions of ideals, is to acknowledge both or true and declare the agreement that I own in the moment.

Shameless plug. I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that this evolution of a belief in a gentle and natural way would not be happening without my ReWilding Wholeness circle. The spirit of ReWilding has guided not only me as the facilitator personally, it also guides the places and spaces we go as gathered women. 

So, if you are looking for this type of empowered and compassionate self growth and evolution and learning and knowing and being...get ready... Because ReWilding Wholeness doors will be open September 1st to September 22nd. And, to deepen the the knowledge and skills of being in good relationship with death, join me in October for an online circle of sacred space exploring death, the little deaths of life, crossing over the energies, and the sacred act of psychopomp. Details on this one are still being birthed, but it's still coming. And of course, there are still some spots open in this year’s Drum Making Circle…yet another deep dive into death integrity and turning pain into power.

Prompts.  

  • What belief are you agreeing to that has kept you stagnant? 

  • What belief are you avoiding because you don't want to be  "wrong"?

  • This week, try not reacting to any belief. Try holding your center, in the moment, and with curiosity inquire within as to what you actually agree with in that moment


In wholeness & magic,

Nissa

The beauty of barely hanging on

For over 2 years now, I walk every morning at the park in my town. I have the privilege and pleasure of witnessing it not only as a whole as I get to see it in all it’s seasons, but also up close and intimate with what changes each and everyday.

This last “winter” ( I use air quotes because winter was more like a cold spring), I found this broken branch barely hanging on to the tree in which it was being separated from. It showed up after a fairly good wind storm. I remember feeling it before seeing it. I could smell the energy of grief. And, when I got to this tree and broken branch, I was both fascinated...AND...feeling the feels.

Poor tree...lost a part of itself...unable to stay whole through the storm. Poor branch...just dangling there...refusing to let go of the life it had. I don’t know about you...but I can fucking relate!

As the “winter” continued, I kept an eye on this guy. I was surprised that even with some tugging and swinging, it stayed hanging on. I was so curious about when it would finally let go. And, me being me...I talked to it whenever I walked by. Checking in...asking questions...listening for its wisdom. What started out as feeling some pity for this tree and branch ended up being a rich oracling of the beauty of barely hanging on.

Some of the medicine I learned from this tree and branch are:

  • It takes a lot of effort to barely hang on...all the grip and strength being used in one tiny area.

  • It takes a lot of strength to barely hang on...it’s fucking painful to be broken and exposed like that.

  • “I know I will eventually let go and move on...but I’m not done learning from my core yet”.

  • You can’t control nature.

  • You don’t need to fix every broken thing. But you CAN be with it...learn from it...oracle that shit.

  • It is not only the broken part that hangs on. The heart of thing hangs on too sometimes.

  • It will happen when it happens…”helping it along” is another way of forcing your will on a natural process.

Surprisingly and magically, that broken limb remained attached the whole “winter” season. It finally let go not long after Imbolc. Once it fell, I reflected. I listened for all the feels and visions that this experience brought up. (This is one way to “Oracle that Shit”, as I say)

I have heard my whole life from childhood church to shamanic circles to magic makers say “you can’t give from an empty well”. These words aren’t wrong. AND...they are not empirical. I believe when loved ones or mentors said it to me, they meant it as a wake up call and their hearts were in the right place. All it did though was reinforce that I was alone, and I couldn’t trust anyone to hear me or help me. (an agreement I am currently rewilding)

Sometimes all one has is an empty well or that broken branch...barely hanging on. And what if that is just part of a natural process...and it has to be what it is until it isn’t anymore? It takes strength to barely hang on...AND...it take courage to enjoy a new way and live a different after it’s all over with. I have shown up to lead circles broken, brain fucked, and completely depleted. And I gave a lot by showing up that way. Those moments were some of the most painfully vulnerable in my life. The feedback I got from those days was how me showing up...giving from my empty well...and being me about it...gave many the permission, living example, courage, etc...to heal something deep in them.

From my experience of life not that long ago...I can tell you it is absolutely possible to give from an empty well. I did it for roughly 3 years. And if I’m honest...I have only evolved this to about a half empty well. AND...to me...that improvement is like gold dipped chocolate dipped in gold. Half empty after many years of empty feels like victory. And in a war of many battles...I’ll take my wins. This last year of creating, facilitating, and participating in my ReWilding Wholeness circle I have been able to pull myself out of the empty into the half full. I’ve been able to move my agreement of “my needs don’t matter” into behaviors, actions, and choices that create my life with an agreement that “my needs matter”. This is what has pulled me out of empty. And I’m still evolving many parts of me so this well can be full. Spoiler alert: it doesn't happen overnight nor is it like turning on a light. It takes time...a life time if necessary...so I’m frequently reminding myself to keep turning my gaze towards myself and see of my what I need to see...feel what I is being felt...tend to the healthy patterns and agreements by doing things differently in the triggered moments.

You may be wondering how I gave from an empty well. I just did. I had people and commitments and shit to get done with no one to help me. I dug into my SELF...called on my spirit, and just got it done. #themedicineofstubborn #honoringcommitments

NOW...here is a super important part. I DO NOT advocate for anyone living like this. It is suffering. It is also NOT SUSTAINABLE. I think I lasted so long because I’m a badass stubborn beeatch whose was infected with the poison of pride and until I owned my shit...took responsibility for my actions...and took ownership for the shine that is possible...nothing changed. What I DO advocate for though is having this conversation, in case others have had to suffer through giving from an empty well and have felt the same shame and judgement I have. And, maybe…just maybe…if I can fight through it to healthier agreements…others can too.

Yesterday I cried in and out all day. Nothing debilitating...just greif rolling down my face. Grieving the loss of that old way of giving from an empty well. Funny, huh? Grieving something that was harmful to me. Thing is...it was just the broken branch of my life...barely hanging on. A part of me that was “bad” or suffering is still a part of me and is worthy of grieving. As a half-full-well gal these days, I see things differently from when I was an empty-well gal. I see how hard those years were and are on me. I see that when one lives in constant pain and physical dysfunction...your well gets empty...therefore, if you can still fight through all that and the best you can be is barely hanging on...you deserve a fucking parade of witness and love.

Dare I say...if all you have is barely hanging on, can’t that be enough? Armed with the knowing that at some point, the broken part will fall off and a new normal can begin. Making space for rewilding how we view our time-lines and “shoulds”. Dare I say...this is also not whole without the willingness to change with the change once that broken part has fallen off...that both accepting the barley hanging on AND the willingness to become something else are essential to making this story a medicine story. Dare I say...at some point, living/giving from an empty well HAS to change because at some point the medicine of it will become a poison.

Can you see how this broken branch pulled out all this awareness? Can you see how the stories, messages, and observations of this broken branch brought me nourishment and acceptance in my awareness and ownership of my self-evolution?

It’s okay if you can’t. I do communicate a little off-road. I think it’s part of my magic. I also know I’m okay with me not making perfect “sense” because I am here to awaken mystery and your own inner knowing. I desire to share in a way that allows you to gather a medicine from within you. So...yeah...I know in my bones there are some holes to this post. AND...I feel like following the wisdom of that broken branch...to not “fix” this post, and just be put it out to you as is. It’s even okay if you completely disagree with me! I love diverse perspectives. #wildernesswisdom

There is beauty in barely hanging on. It’s possible you have felt it in your life. It’s possible that there are many people around you feeling it. There is beauty in changing the behaviors of an empty well into behaviors of a very full and vibrant well. We exist in a natural world of cycles and opposites...the only constant is change...so, don’t worry, wherever you are at will change...and change again...and change some more. May we all teach and train ourselves to change WITH the natural changes as they change before they make us change in dramatic or traumatic ways.

There's a message aching to be voiced from my wise, wild, and witchy Self. "You..yes you. If empty is all you have to give from, that is enough because whether you know it or not, you are a creature of great mystery and therefore NEVER empty. You...yes you. If empty is how you feel and that sucks for you, do something about it. Get busy taking care of yourself (I have to credit Gregnar for that one). Say no. Finish your commitments and plan for nothing right after. You...yes you. Don't let others tell you what you need. Don't get sucked into thinking about them...think about YOU. You are what you need. You are the only one that can change your behaviors to become the woman whose well is over-fucking-flowing."

In wholeness,

Nissa



Not needing ritual made ritual powerful again.

RWTerrainPic.png

The new ReWilding Wholeness Terrain…

Ritual makes a comeback!

Once upon a Time, when I was a wee little witchling, I did all the rituals. I did the spells and the ingredients and the instructions down to the t. I thought they made me powerful. I thought that's what brought magic into my life. I thought ritual and ceremony were these portals into all of the things I wanted to feel or be or do or have. At some point, I felt like the magic was fading...as if I was losing it...or I needed more. So I dove into Shamanisim, training and learning for years to perform energy medicine, lifestyle, and philosphy. The magic got a bit of a boost and I thought…”okay, I just needed new rituals and tools and maybe this is what I am after-all”. It wasn't the same as that profound coming-home feeling that magic brought me in the beginning of my magic and earth based spirituality. I found myself in the agony of doing my rituals like a good little witchy-shaman-poo and the magic of a power-filled life was still fading. So…if magic and connection can still fade in the ritual that is meant to create it...the what the fuck is broken?

Time to try another way. My wounded-self wanted to brow-beat me into more classes, more shiney new teachers to chase around, more focus on filling in what was missing within me to find that “thing” that would bring back my magic. My whole-self wanted me to stop distracting my truth from being heard...and my pain being felt. My whole-self wants me to stop...know what I’ve learned by doing what I’ve learned...and find the unexpected truth that is all ME. It has been a lonely, isolated path because there wasn't a circle or group to join that was a place to gather, be, do, make the magic and support the self-evolution that involves ALL parts of me.. (So I created one! ReWilding Wholeness...and doors open for enrollment are now open)

I found my unexpected truth. It says I have all the tools to be the magical medicine woman I am. I only need one thing. I need to DO what i already know. I need to BE in it. I need to behave as a person who lives sacredly. So I went on a bit of a soul-wander where i let myself be lost. I carried my tools and rituals with me but didnt rely on them or use them when i felt i needed to. Instead, I birthed new rituals that require nothing but my inner world, my imagination, and my drum or rattle. I birthed the healing rituals of inner council, sacred listening, desire to understand, making my shadow parts feels heard. I birthed the ritual of being brutally honest with myself, calling bullshit on myself, taking responsibility for my role in shitty situations, and not taking myself too seriously. (which looks like making fun of and not muzzling the not-so-polished parts of myself...i offer this as a warning...it can be triggering for others to be around such clarity and voice of shadowy parts...AND i have found it completely compassionate to hear them with the ritual of wanting to understand and wanting to evolve that part into a more helpful aspect of itself. It takes practice and mistakes to know who and where to share with. Not everyone wants to hear my insecure self and that is okay. I need to hear my insecure self and make my insecure self feel heard so it can move on into more healthy agreements and behaviors. Its sure nice to have a place to be heard though…not for them to fix me...but to hear myself say the words that ramble off-road...and from there my body sensations altert me to the truer trutth that vibrates in the sacred sound of my voice) See what i mean #offroadsacredramble #rewildingwholeness

I still think ritual and ceremony are portals of some kind. Portals of attention and focus...intention and declaration...and actions that turn one's vision inward. To step outside the wounded stories in the painful part of myself so I can see the powerful ones. So I still think ritual and ceremony are portals but I've had a dismemberment over the last few years around ritual and ceremony. And with all dismemberment comes remembering.

Over the last few years I have been cultivating a belief and a way of living that puts my life as a ritual into action. I have been doing less ritual and ceremony as I have done before and replaced it with seeing my life as ritual and ceremony. To live my life as though I am on a quest a vision quest. To Oracle that shit when things trigger me, or aren’t making sense. To sit with the painful parts of me and listen to them and let them be heard, and in feeling heard is the ritual of healing that pain into power. To cut cords with simple self-talk an activating both sides of me to have a voice in a perspective. To dismember old outdated rundown dilapidated structures or belief systems or agreements by simply feeling the flames of rage and not trying to keep it pretty. To extract poisons from my being with the simple beat of a drum.  I've created rituals in owning that what I'm going to say is going to be messy. I've lived ceremonies of underworld rising from a completely traumatized physical body, learning in this that if the physical body is not healthy the energetic and spiritual body struggles to survive in everyday life. There is ceremony in pain and ritual in disappointment. There is ceremony and ritual in the willingness to observe what's going on, notice the patterns, and take responsibility for showing up differently. So yeah, I have been doing less outside ritual the last few years and more inside ritual viewing my life as ritual and ceremony, viewing my life and seeing my life through the lens of I am sacred space. so if I am sacred space that means all of me is sacred even the parts I don't like. AND by simply being with them listening to them accepting them unearthed seen the medicine in there poison I am in ritual with my life.

And very recently I have gotten to a place where I have done very little ritual at all. Questioning whether or not I would ever need ritual again. Actually prepared to continue moving forward with no ritual or ceremony in my life anymore. In fact, I think it was around last samhain that I said out loud I don't need ritual because I am ritual. So, of course things would change because I finally embodied the freedom of not needing ritual. It is the way of nature, after all, that the moment something becomes what it is it begins to change. have you noticed that as soon as the leaves shed from a tree buds are right there the tiniest little extensions of New Life? Nature reminds us and reflects to us our own nature of evolution that when we finally become something or are in the full potential of something it begins to change again. That is because until we die we are moving forward, albeit, forward in circles or forward off-road or forward in a straight line or forward up and down...but we're moving forward. And in that forward motion we cross thresholds known and unknown the wheel of the year and the wheel of nature reminds us and reflects to us the once you become something fully the next step is a cross a threshold of change see you never get shackled into ignorance. This beautiful system keeps us in a state of motion that gives us the opportunity to understand the other side and we understand the other side we know where those edges are and we can choose to be in the center of our self an act from truth.

Well, the recent Imbolc blessed us in the belly of a new moon. The call to ritual is returning. It is time to bring magic to the medicine. It is time to bring the wheels together and let them overlap into a greater terrain. It’s time to live my knowledge by creating from it. It’s time to infuse ritual with ancient power & modern simplicity. So, I did my first Sabbat ritual in YEARS last month. Old school. Simple. And completely nourishing.

It’s interesting...I trained myself to not need ritual. I trained myself to be a person who lives Life as a ritual...a person who doesn't need ritual or things to be powerful because she is innately powerful. I trained myself to not need ritual, to be free from ritual so I could embody my life as a ritual. So of course, now, ritual is coming back. And of course it's different. Not needing ritual has giving me the freedom to embody Life as a ritual. Not needing ritual has made a landscape within me where ritual has more power to me. Not needing ritual has made ritual more powerful. Even now as I speak this to you, watching the flame flicker and my etched words disappear on the side of the candle, an awareness that this candle is blessed with the energy of imbolc feels and tastes like a delicious tiramisu to the ritual of my life. And I feel peaceful in my power knowing that I don't need the ritual to be power. I need to know that I'm powerful without ritual or tools or validation by others. The ritual experienced from a place of not needing it to be powerful makes it more powerful to the power that already exists just because I am alive. I feel more centered in my homeless knowing that I don't need ritual to access my power and it is powerful to receive nourishment for my power through ritual.

All of this is leading to a whole new map of rewilding wholeness. Another layer. Another perspective. More weaving. Bringing back magic and creating new ways that make room for all ways so that in each and every moment the secret individual can make medicine of poison with whatever they need to in the moment. This means more gathering together each season. And I’m super excited.

Imagine. Living with your magic, medicine, and power all work together...

what do you see?

To me freedom isn't about belonging to one idea that makes sense for right now or feels like belonging because it matches in an idea or an emotion I have or a curiosity I have. To me freedom is thinking for yourself and feeling for yourself. To me freedom is not being one of the other, but being a container for all of it. To me freedom is belonging to yourself, learn life and healing by doing it, and knowing that wherever I am right there is a place within me that is wrong…so stay light on my feet in order to stay free. To me freedom is not staying in one place too long. To me freedom is changing with the change. When's the winds have changed and so I will follow their scent and let my hunger guide my direction. I welcome ritual back into my life and I welcome not needing it and I welcome the nourishment it gives me because I don't need it.

So with the season of promoting online rattle making circle over I sit in the dark soul soil and womb space of where rewilding wholeness evolves into when the doors open next month at the equinox. And rewilding wholeness is definitely coming in strong with the layers, the weaving, the magic, the medicine, the simplification of The sovereign and unwoundable self found in the center of our being and the edges of our being.

Over the next few weeks the website is going to be undergoing some changes. Many have been made already, but I’m also aching for a style change. ReWilding Wholeness is open to enrollment for the next season. Doors open at the full moon/equinox on March 20th, where we will start our gathering together with a ritual at 5-ish pm PST via Zoom. Doors will remain open until April 1st at that time we will close the doors so the container can be held in integrity and protection and safety and trust. This is a six-month commitment. This is a place of deep, slow, steady, long-lasting evolution. This is a place where we don’t shame our parts or each other...we DO something about the thing that pings. It’s also a place of sass, reverence, irreverence, movement, and human training. Join now to not miss the live door-opening ritual on March 20th.

Calling to the women of the world...rewild with me...rewild with me!

In wholeness,

Nissa




Eve of Winter Solstice

Do you Solstice too?

I’ve unsubscribed from the modern “tradition” of Christmas. Both for religious & cultural/societal rebellion reasons. I simply no longer agree that I need to give people I barely know, barely like, or barely see all year long gifts to satisfy the obligation of exchange. I honor them and their way by receiving gratefully any gift or card I get. AND…I honor me and my way by not giving back out of obligation.

Instead, I Solstice this time of year. To me that means I’ve been hunkering in my physical and energetic cave pretty hard to prepare for tomorrow. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this time of year. I love the extra hermiting and hunkering. I love the extra dark. I love the darker light during the day. I love the extra-empty park on my daily walks with Juniper. I love my Yule tree all glowy in the dark of morning. Anyway…back to focus. To me this means I turn inward and look honestly at what I am doing…what I need…and what seeds I am planting in my soul soil for the upcoming growing season. This is not always a sweet or kind process…but it’s a powerful one. Solstice to me is a time of letting go and naming what’s next.

To me…Solstice time is a threshold time. A time of crossing over. A time of beginning again. A time of letting go and shedding. A time to see how the edges we resist are simply lines to cross of leveling up with focus what is naturally occurring in our Self-evolution. A time of equal and opposites doing their dance of wholeness. My Solstice fire ritual carries this essence. It has 2 equal and opposite actions while being different every single time.

When I Solstice, I make a fire with sacred intent and bless the crap out of it with herbs. As it builds, I burn bills that are too old to keep. I burn the declarations from brave women who have gathered with me all year. I burn the bundles, ties, and scraps. I burn the tissues, the extra herbs, and the things that I don’t want that can be burned instead of dumped. It’s an energetic colonic of both physical shit and emotional shit…and I love the intensity of it. I let the fire get big and I let the feelings inside get big with it. I let it feel itchy and uncomfortable as I feed the flames. #shedding

When there is nothing left to throw in I wait for the fire to find it’s comfy place of warmth and illumination. I drum or rattle. I journey. I dream. I ask. I claw my insides for clarity as I wait for this sweet spot with the fire. I cast this sweet spell (call it a prayer if that works for better for you). I offer it to you to use.

Burn away. Bring to light. Crossing threshold. Welcome clear sight. Standing here...in between. Moving forward...joy in feeling seen. ~Solstice Spell by Nissa Howard

Then begins the claiming what is before me from deep within me. I move, or sit, or do whatever my body needs doing to receive the sensations of what I’m conceiving. This part of my ritual is quite passive…it’s energetic…it’s Self-contained and Self-centered. I ask. I listen. I breathe. I receive.

When I Solstice, I call forth with silence and knowing without know-ing. I tend the fire to remain in warmth and illumination and the fire becomes my scrying tool. My clarity doesn’t need clear vision to go forward…it needs a strong knowing backed by the work ethic of one willing to do the job of Self…even when you don’t want to. Tending my Solstice fire in turn tends to my inner Self.

And…on the eve of this Winter Solstice of 2018…I feel a deep and tremendous stirring that the words I have just written to you are in fact the words I needed to hear to bring more focus, accountability and depth to my Solstice fire tomorrow night. My vision is to inspire you to make your own magic with Solstice this year.

How do you Solstice?

What will you shed?

What are you calling in?

What is crossing over?

What will you take with you?

But that’s not all. Solstice is just the point of transition. It’s the threshold. It’s the edge that is expanding. The threshold of Solstice that crosses over from the dark to the light is that place of conception, which gives the following months of slow transition the time for gestation. For me, Solstice energy…it’s power and essence began a few weeks after Samhain. That is a good month-ish of Solstice being an influence in my body and soul. A good month-ish of deep reflecting in the pools of my dark swamps and shadowy forests. A good month-ish of desconstructing the thoughts and illusions that have taken me off track this year. It’s been a slow, teary, and honest reflection of this calendar year.

I can say with a certain amount of certainty that for me, 2018 was a year of conflict. My Solstice reflecting has brought me this understanding. My bones and body reacted with a “fuck yeah!” and so I can begin the process of owning my role in it while claiming my right to change it. (these are some pillars of ReWilding Wholeness…doors open in March) #shamlessplug

All year I’ve been keeping my heart forward and my eyes on my work. Early on in 2018, conflict began picking up in my relationships. Probably due to a backlog of avoiding, isolating, exhaustion, and a need for new agreements.. As the winds of conflict hit, I consciously returned my gaze to my work and kept the clean up to myself. As I reflect on this, I can feel the weight of it being carried all year long…like a sack I carry on my back…getting heavier and heavier as I kept moving forward. If I’m honest, my dislike of what I judge as drama or gossip kept my mouth shut. And since I’m being honest, I can also see how the fear of not handling things in a way I’m proud of kept me in a mini-state of avoiding showing up with my needs or thoughts in the resolution. And an even deeper truth is one of a carcassed agreement to the story of “trust no one”. (the bones I’m picking in ReWilding Wholeness) Yeah…that one pings to say…so this is where the medicine and magic is at. Through the ReWilding Wholeness process, I get to declare and tend to a new agreement that is ready to live and fuel my life. For me, the opposite of “trust no one” is both “my needs matter”, and “I can trust myself”. Lately, this has been my guiding light through the mis-steps of this last year.

Like I said…I have been keeping things quiet in my conflicts this year. Sometime in November, I was chatting with a friend who I hadn’t talked to all year. We were checking in, catching up, and doing an overall “what’s been going on this year”. I found myself naming that this year has been one of a lot of conflicts. And I didn’t think much of it…it was just my truth. A truth without judgement, story, shame…just a naming of what has been my experience. Then an interesting thing happened. Within a week a deluge of conflicts started to whammy me. Inner conflicts. Outer conflicts. Past conflicts. Little fires of unexpected conflicts. Did saying it out-loud give the conflict more power? Words have power. Did naming it unleash it’s full fury?

Maybe.

Or did naming it call out that keeping small and quiet in conflict is no longer medicine?

Maybe.

It could be something else too. And what I want to share is…the reasons of “why” aren’t as mobile & liberating as the showing up differently in it. Once that deluge began, I found myself standing longer in the conflict. Reflecting before reacting. Responding with what I need or what I felt or what I am observing. It’s been scary. Scary to risk fracturing or loosing a cherished relationship. Scary to feel the fear of yet again, not feeling accepted by those I love. Scary with insecurity that I will add to the reasons I’m not good enough. And sadly, the scariest of all being “on the other side of this is love, connection, understanding, healing, and self-knowing”. Let me be clear about something…the best of these scaries is the one that leads to the good stuff. All scaries are true. The one that holds personal power and TRUE moving forward is the one that makes me stand for the allowing of love, connection, understanding, healing, and self-knowing.

All this intensified conflict of the last month has been brought about beautiful shifts. Insightful lessons. And proof of growth. There have been severed connections, strengthened relationships, broadened perspectives, deeper understanding, and a grander tolerance for human-ness in my Self and others. Conflict is a great container to show up differently as a pseudo-laboratory for discovering and experimenting with the behaviors, actions, and choices that express who we are, instead of who we were. As I reflect I feel an unfamiliar brand of gratitude and fortified confidence to continue to show up more fully in conflict.

Through it all, I am taking with me a heart to trust myself more, and to keep my heart open to love and be loved after the conflict. This will serve me well as I continue walking through the remaining conflicts that are currently under repair…and the ones that are on deck. Through it all, I’m learning that there is a difference between gossip and processing my side of conflict. I can talk about it without talking about who. Because it’s not about “who” in the end…it’s about me shifting the shit and changing with the change. Through it all, I am learning that it’s not about changing what’s outside of me…it’s changing what is inside of me.

One thing I know for sure is, I will never figure out how to do things better if I never try…make mistakes…reach out with repairs…and find gratitude in the lessons. Reflecting on my 2018 theme of conflict I can painfully see how many times I didn’t show up fully in what I know for sure. AND…like I say…”don’t shame it, do something about it!”. Owning these things brings me a seeing of what I can do different, and therefore evolve and grow.

Oh, Solstice…you do have a way of pushing new life into by being. I will continue being swaddled in Solstice introspection and welcome the comfort of owning the growth. Until the stirrings of Imbolc begin…you will find me in the swaddle of Solstice energy…gestating these new concepts to nourish who I am and how I show up in conflict.

Inner Exploration Prompts:

  • What is the title or theme of your 2018 story?

  • What has come out of it’s darkness this Solstice?

  • In what ways can you show up differently to make medicine from the poison?

Blessed be,
Nissa

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Cutting through Skin

My most profound moments of self-therapy and inner breakthroughs have occurred at the fleshing beam. Spontaneous eruptions of healing, truth, and insights about life…all from the voice and vision of the animal’s spirit. I learn SO much about being human by learning from their own perspective what is was to be an animal who experienced birth, life, death, and rebirth. Not to mention the real-life body wisdom that comes from knowing what it takes to remove flesh without destroying the hide. Or the tending of the inflammation required to dehair. Preparing hides for sacred sound making is both a spiritual and physical cauldron of primal magic that cannot be understood until it is felt.

I hold space to witness tremoring breakthroughs when others feel what it’s really like to cut through skin for the first time. I have seen the shadows of WTF flash across their face when they step into the magic of knowing an unknown through the body. I get to hear the victory exhale from a women crossing thresholds of resistance into connection while birthing their sacred sound. A deep magic is reclaimed when you make your own medicine. In this case…medicine given life because of death. I never stop being drop-to-my-knees humbled, reverent, and grieving when I work a hide. Each and every hide comes from an animal who once lived…who has gone through the transition of death…and gets to share it’s wisdom with me and those who make with me. And right now…I have many visions of wisdom to share in my upcoming Online Rattle Making Circle. (check out page to see what we will be working with) I’d like to share them with you.

There is something about cutting through skin that awakens an ancient felt-vision. My thought is that as modern humans with our reduced primal movement and purpose we are becoming more and more domesticated even when we say we are wild at heart. The actions and experiences we give our animal bodies determine the patterns we carve out in our neural pathways. So...if one never faces the uncomfortable and finds themselves HAVING to figure out how to flow past something out of their zone, they become more rigid and safe in small spaces of mind and body. There is something about cutting through skin that shakes the rigid right out of you. There is something about cutting through skin that awakens a remembering in the bones that shatters these modern energy cages. There is something about cutting through skin that ReWild’s your inner voice. There is something about cutting through skin that tells the original tale of reverence. There is something about cutting through skin that calls for you to rebirth as you birth your drum or rattle...and if one allows the transition, magic is made...and sometimes, initiation.

The flesh of my hides for sacred sound making reflect our flesh. The death of these animals remind us of death. “How you treat facing death shows you how you show up in Life.” I use this Nis-ism often in my Self-knowing as a check-in…and often times bullshit meter. Am I fully present to this death? Am I feeling this death? Etc. Showing up to their scraped and naked skin show us what is possible. And from one body...many are born. In transforming their flesh...we transform something in us too. The wombed canvas of their skin acts as a threshold offered to you. Making sacred tools connects you to the magic in your medicine and to the resources from which it came. ‘Tis very elemental.

How you treat death is how you show up in life.~ Nissa Howard

Cutting through skin is a calling to go through a barrier to see what is on the other side…to do what it takes to get through something you never thought you could get through. Making with the skin you cut is a calling to be a keeper of your own powerful SELF. The idea of cutting through skin can ripple all sorts of resistance and crunchy feels…after all…it was once a living being. And this is why I ask my makers to do it...It’s important to me that we don’t gloss over the gritty stuff of life, death and rebirth...it’s important to me that we don’t anesthetize our pain about where our medicine comes from...in this case, a living creature. Cutting through skin provides this level of clarity. It is my belief and my way of life to honor these beings by not backing down to what feels uncomfortable….by not seeing their leftover body as something to avoid or disconnect from. It is my belief and my way of life to honor their death by creating resourced magic and medicine from their leftover bodies...to use as much of them as I can. It is my belief and my way of life to honor their life by giving the medicine of their animal experience a voice. Treating death this way is a path I had to teach myself and there are always shadows to walk through and poison to turn into medicine. It is a choice to face the ugly and shift the shit to love it anyway. We all have this same choice. From where I stand, there is no right or wrong choice...just own what your choice says about you...just be honest with yourself...is this choice making you proud of yourself? Is what you make of death useful and life-affirming medicine?

There is something about cutting through skin that is other-world-ly and completely embodied at the same time. It’s great training for being a medicine keeper and modern ancestor. It’s great training for walking with one foot in both worlds. It’s great training for wholeness because wholeness is the wisdom of holding both as true.

“Opposites are the pillars of wholeness”. ~Nissa Howard

This work never gets old to me. It never stops feeling like the first time #beginnersmind. I never want to stop feeling the awe, surprise, and magic of it. Every time I show up to the fleshing beam to transform a hide, it’s a new and amazing experience. The DOing is the same…scrape, squat, squat while scrape, rip, toss, scrape some more…stir, stir, stir, stir…and squat-scrape some more. It’s the BEing in this same-ol’ that is different because every hide is access to that animals spirit. It’s the BEing IN the moment of my actions that allow me to journey, commune, merge, and gather the medicine or power they offer. This is probably why I have so many drums and rattles…each and every animal hide matters. To be all-the-way honest, I’d have a shit-ton more rattles and drums if I didn’t listen so well. Not all medicine is my medicine. ) Ohhh…yeah…that needs to be a Nis-ism)

“Not all medicine is my medicine.” ~Nissa

Every time I open a making circle, something different and new is born. I am constantly in awe, surprise, and gob-smacked with community at what we ALL learn. One of my greatest work-joys is guiding you through sacred sound making. And having you make your own does keep me from having them all! (heheehee) It wasn’t too long ago that I was figuring this all out. I learned to transform the hide by DOing…just showing up, knowing what I needed it to be, and giving it a go. One thing I know for sure in my life is I will never know how to do something unless I do it. The power is in showing up.

Is your bones, blood and body calling to you as you read my words? Sometimes there’s a voice deep within us that craves and aches and speaks softly with big energy…it’s the voice of stepping up into evolution…it’s a voice of YAAASSSSS. Listen, listen. Is it time for you to make Rattle medicine and cut through skin? Rattles are epic shit-shifters and trusted hand-held power allies. Join me…awaken you…do your own cutting…make your own medicine.

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Online Rattle Making Circle

Begins February 1st, 2019

Enrollment for Online Rattle Making Circle is now open. If you have a local coven or circle of 5 or more that you would like to make this medicine with, I’m offering a super-special deal...inquire via email at witchynis@gmail.com.

Bone Reading Membership is always open. Once enrolled, you have access to the library of readings. Passwords change every new moon when a new reading goes out. This is an affordable avenue for support, guidance, healing, and magic.


Stories from my journal:::"my truth is right for me"

Hello lovelies. Welcome to another installment of me reading from my journal. This idea started when I shared stories from my quest journal. This felt so perfectly uncomfortable and emboldenly transparent for strengthening my voice and overcoming the inner victim at the time. The nudge to continue sharing has not gone away. Now, truth be told, there are pages I’m sure I’ll never share…some things get to stay sacred.

There is something so “on brand” about my ReWilding Wholeness in action that is played out on the pages of my journal…so why not share it so you have a better sense of what is done in my offering. My journal is that place I go where I don’t have to make sense…I don’t have to explain it…I can let the many faces of ME have a voice and conversate together at the fire of my inner council. Several of you have reached out about working with me and ReWilding Wholeness…please remember that doors will open again in March. So get ready to join next season!

Please listen with sacred ears…take what you need…leave what you don’t. Please remember that I am reading from my journal pages…it’s scary as fuck…be kind. My hope is that it will give you something that is empowering, inspiring, and self-reflecting. May we all do better, be better, choose better and behave as “my truth is right for me”. This can be tricky y’all. AND, it’s not different than any other thing in existence…it has a poison AND a medicine. How it is dosed in each and every moment is up to the individual.

Blessed be, Nissa

Thank you for being a part of my world. I look forward to seeing you somewhere in closer view. Here are some upcoming offerings to consider and start preparing for. I am a budget conscious person and if you are too…I want to give you a big heads up to start saving if you need to. (or tell your family that you want holiday money for it…this is how I got my quest cabin in the woods!) Not all offerings are up on the website yet…you will be the first to know when those pages are live.

  • COMING SOON: limited run of my small batch made Skin Food **$33-$38 (wholesale runs welcome)

  • COMING SOON: limited run of rattle necklaces that carry the power of “not explaining”. **$50

  • COMING SOON: Online Rattle Making Circle: February 1st -28th, 2019 **$275

  • bone reading membership (on-going and open all the time) **$37/month

It's called "hunting", not "getting"

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Oh Eastern Oregon. Land of my soul peace, and where I hunt. This is the land that raised me to be the woman I am. This land is my mother. Oh, Eastern Oregon. Land where what you see in the picture above is one road becoming two. 

It's been a pretty dry few years for me and my gun. The land owner has had to shift some things for her own livelihood, and when one part shifts...all parts shift...and the whole of it shifts. I'm blessed in how I hunt because even though it's not my land, it's private land and it runs deep in my veins. I'm blessed because my family hunts here and what's left of my "hunting family" hunts here. Between all of us...this land has been a precious provider and caretaker of the deer and elk that y'all get to make your drums and rattles with. The environment is changing. A rightful mourning walks with the effort of acceptance, and is joined by grit of making changes in the situation that has changed.

This year, I was gifted a precious treasure of hunting alone most of the days I was hunting. My hubby and daughter couldn't go. My Dad had his logging job (close by). And the other hunters were already gone. The trip was unsuccessful in the blood shed department. And this happens. It's a called "hunting", not "getting". This is a reality of the wild. I've had seasons of my hunting "career" where every year we tag out and tag out early. Now I'm in a season where the pickin's are slim and the abundance is fallow. And this is okay! Any real hunting will tell you that the kill is not the only target we set our sights on when we hunt. We are there to be in what I call "the real world". We are there to reconnect to nature, ourselves, and something greater than ourselves. The kill is where the hard work begins and isn't our only measure for success. There are no guarantees in the wild...the real wild...not the pre-packaged, safe, version...where someone else does all the work and you just get to show up and pull the trigger. It is unwise to expect success...you have to hunt it down yourself, pull the trigger, and do all the work of making your kill into something. (yes...oracle this shit...it works for non-hunting life too)

In much of what I do...death has had to come first or at least, play a part. Drums and rattles cannot be made without animal hide. Bone readings would not be the magic they are if that elk had not died with shattered bones. And ReWilding Wholeness wouldn't be the container it is without my ability to hold and relationship death well. 

"How you treat death, is how you show up in life." ~Nissa

I treat death with respect, honor, gratitude, and creation. I meet it's pain with willingness to feel it all. These things show up in how I show up in life too. How do you treat death? And can you see how those qualities show up in how you show up? Based on how this awareness tastes to you...either change it, or savor it.

One of the most powerful deaths was the one where the Lady of the Bones was released. It was 2013 or 2014. I can't remember exactly. She became an elk on this land so she could die before me and we could work together. Ever since I met her, she has been in charge of how she works, when she works, and the evolution of it all. 

And, just like my hunting land...the environment is changing for her too. For the last 3 years her and I have solidly worked with her shattered bones to bring ancient ways into the magic of bone reading medicine. She is ready to change. It is time to change how the bone readings are offered.

"All living things have little deaths throughout life." ~Nissa

This shift has been on the winds of my knowing since spring and just like anything else...I've been scoping it out and tracking it's movements and now it's time to pull the trigger on it's threshold of change.#nevernothunting 

In the simplest terms I can muster, the bone readings will now be offered in these two ways:

  1. Membership style. Beginning at the new moon on Samhain, monthly readings will go out to members only and members will have access to the bone reading library.

  2. Deep dive healing. One on one readings can be accessed through my Free-Rand Medicine Sessions in which we meet via Zoom and if a bone reading is needed, a bone reading ye shall have. The Lady of the Bones is desiring a more interactive presence with individual readings...instead of being behind the curtain of a recording, she wants to be with you in real time.

Now...both of these offerings are not quite ready to step into. Me and my Fairy Goddess-Raven are fervently off-roading the best way to share the power of these gifts. And it's harder than you think! It's a special kind of torture to hang on the meathook of "what is my magic...how do I describe my magic...how do I language this medicine in a way that people can feel it". In a perfect world of magic & hustle, I'd climb right off that fucking meathook and just say..."Hi, I'm Nissa. I'm a seer, mama bear, and free-range medicine woman. My sessions, readings, and makings can help you wisdom your poison and gather your medicine. It's expected to get messy. And it will be totally worth it."...and then droves of other free-range medicine women with rebel hearts and wild craving will join me and I can DO. MY. WORK. (just a little peak into my inner-most desires) I am both idealist and realist. And, realistically I have to unpack that basic truth to give a better understanding...right? Or do I? I wonder what would happen if I put out a sales page that actually just said what is real...all 3 sentences of it and a sign up link. Good Goddess I hope I will be brave enough to do that someday! This is a long winded way of telling you that I hope to have both options ready for you to consider by next week. For sure...the bone reading memebership will be ready for your consideration by next week. I've already got two readings in the library for you to sink your teeth into as soon as you claim your space at the table.

Let's wrap this up! 

Here's the cool stuff I want to make sure you know about. Bone Reading Membership & Free-Range Medicine Sessions are almost out of the birth canal. 

ReWilding Wholeness is blowing my mind and spilling my guts. I can't wait to see it grow even more in the spring. You can follow me on Instagram to get a taste of my own process within the space I hold. Doors open again in the spring.

The Spiral Book of Days is about ready to begin again. I've ordered mine already and want to let you know about it in case it calls to you too. And if you remember...last year I did a give-a-way because I believe in it so much. This fall, I've been tits deep in overwhelm and just haven't had the space to take on one more thing...but I still want to support this book. It is a part of my magical life.

Stories from Quest::: "sitting with trauma-self"

3 days in a cabin in the woods. 3 days of fiery focus, dismemberment and rewilding. One day for Death. One day for Rebirth. One day for Life. In this audio, I read from my quest journal one of my many journeys of sitting with my trauma-self that I've been running from for a few years now. Turns out...it's not so scary and we are entering a different relationship so I can evolve it. It's tender to share such intimate inner work, and I am willing to take the risk in the hopes it will inspire thought as well as give me action of no longer hiding it. 

*you may need to open in google player or download to device to listen. it SHOULD just open right up for you to push play and sink in.

It was an intense 3 days and once I came home I became aware of the idea that when I invite women to rewild with me...when I prompt them in the direction of their own self-evolution in Rewilding Wholeness, I'm asking them to feel these things too. It's always equalizing reminder to be grateful for. A humbling reminder that we are all going through self-evolution…leaders, healer, and guides are human too. This is why we sit in CIRCLES…side by side…learning from each other.

Stories from Quest::: "keeping myself safe".

Another episode of storytelling from my Quest journal that held my healing process from my 3 days of solitude in a forested cabin. Recently, I pulled out my journal from my Quest back in 2015 and I was stunned by how differently I process and move from victim to victor...from pain to power...from poison to medicine. Now, it's less storied and more proactive and self-accountable. I am grateful for my evolution and for my commitment to continue my evolution. 

Look. It's not fun to look in the face of the parts of us that are not behaving with integrity. It's humbling, embarrassing, and triggers feelings shame that are tempting to turn into blame.

Don't shame it...Do something about it!

~Nis-ism of the week by your truly. You can quote me on this.

As medicine keepers, it is our duty to find the medicine in the poisons we carry. It is our right as living creatures to have sovereign knowing of Self. It is our responsibility to do the things that free ourselves from the carcassed agreements that have us struggling.

This story is me sharing with you how I do this work of being an essence of great mystery walking around in a human animal. If this language of my process calls to you or inspires you...learn it for yourself by doing it with me in my Rewilding Wholeness circle. (doors open on the Equinoxes)

Walk with me:::Going on a Quest

It's Tuesday. I'm about ready to head out for a 3 day solitude retreat with my sweet Juniper. (Boxer furbaby) This trip was intended to be a silent space for me to just be alone and unplug. Then, Sunday happened and I heard myself declaring things I wasn't aware of. Monday had me in the West with the Water and all the feels. It was yesterday that I could see that Quest has shown up in my life...and that this 3 days pampering of solitude and hiking is embodying the intention of Quest

It was not long after I made this video that I declared that I'm in a Quest cycle this week. The power of Rewilding Wholeness that was started this Spring and is evolving this coming Equinox has changed me. With little shifts, so much has changed in the last 6 months. 

So...here I go. Off to give myself to the power of Quest. To surrender to the dismemberment. To shatter illusion. To mercy kill and pull the plug. To permission myself. To remember myself. To reanimate my magic from the mummification of busy-ness. To walk the forest with my dog and listen, wail, lay down, and receive. To take my sacred work ethic into the wilderness for some "walking the talk". To Rewilding the Rewilding that is coming forward for you to join. How can I be a better guide if I don't continue to make my wild more deep and wide? 

So...here I go. I've said yes to Quest and it has begun for me before I leave. Now, I own that I am doing this Quest in a very non-traditional way. I've done them traditional. I've broken those rules and did them my own way. And now I'm breaking them again to know Quest in another way. So, for any die-hard red-roaders out there...YES, I know this is "not how it's done". AND...I'm a wild soul of great mystery living in a human animal. I will migrate and adapt and do it my own damn way. I will pioneer new paths on old lands to evolve the scenery for future generations. #wearethenewancestors 

Permission granted to not need anyone's permission. And...I'm OUT!

You can sign up or renew now for Rewilding. The welcome wagon begins on September 23rd. We cast the circle on October7th. I can tell you what I know for myself...I am a better woman for it. 

"Being better, and trying to be better isn't about not being good enough.

Making yourself better is evolution."~Nissa Howard 

I also know this to be true...no one else has what you have inside. Know one else can make you better. Sovereignty promises us that we have the right & responsibility to our Life, and that you have to DO the things that change you. The Wild promises us that evolution is the difference between surviving and thriving.

My Trillium Tradition

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In my neck of the woods, we have a wild & native flower called Trillium. I remember the first time I saw one. I was 19. Hiking with a guy-friend. We were chatting away when the corner of my eye caught a flash of white from the ground. My body reacted with an automatic impulse...turning me and dropping me to the ground as if I were laying myself at the feet of a beloved deity. My friend giggled at the immediate turn of focus and admitted to the shock he received when my unexpected squeal filled the air. Fortunately, my friend grew up here in Western Oregon and identified it when I looked up at him and breathlessly asked "what IS this flower?". I can still see the amusement in his smile. He always appreciated my whimsical and unconventional ways. I sat in front of that white three-pedaled beauty for what seemed like hours. I remember the conversation we had through the language of feelings & sensations...her resounding message at the time was "remember who you are".  

Not-so-coincidentally this was the year I sat in my first women's circle, began reading any & all things new-age, witchcraft, druidic, moon, and women mysteries. This was the year I found the meaning behind maiden, mother, crone...and found that I actually had the mind power to heal myself and create my own reality. I was ravenous for knowing but stuffed myself with knowledge instead. Knowledge that served the path of knowing, but by no means secured my knowing. I truly believe each one of us has all we need inside to be whole...we just have to make the choice to explore and alchemize.

Any-hoo... 

I learned how sacred, medicinal, and magical Trillium is. I learned how they grow, what they need to reproduce, and how to tincture them. Most facts I wouldn't be able to regurgitate to you now these 21 years later. I do, however, have my knowing of them from the connections and conversations I had with Trillium over the years. I do have the knowing of my experiences with them that have never left me. One of the tid-bits I have carried with me is that Trilliums bloom every seven years. 7 is a particularly spiritual number and has correspondences all over the various cosmologies. (7 body chakras anyone?) I Oracle this shit to mean that every Trillium I see is not afraid of the dark. They thrive on being below the surface and living in a way that tends to the depths and roots of their being. They remind me that not everyone is cut out for constant blooming or yearly surface breaking. They remind me that some medicine takes years of underground dwelling to be what it is designed to be. Another juicy bite I carry with me is how they sensitively tend to unbalanced menstrual cycles by aiding the blood to begin. I'm astounded at the message of how something as powerful as blood requires a tender touch.

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So...

Every year, when I encounter my first Trillium of the year, I offer it a gift and some gratitude and spend some time listening to it...remembering who I am...and relearning what I know to be medicine from the lens of who I am now. It has become my Trillium tradition to sit with the first one I see and reflect on the last 7 years...and the 7 years before that, and so on. 7 years ago was a tragic year for my daughter that began a dark depressive season in her life. 7 years ago I began to see the trappings of spiritual enlightenment when the human element isn't allowed to be sacred. #samedogmadifferent"church" And I began to behave in ways that were true to me...only to get me in trouble with those people in spiritual power. 7 years ago I was able-minded to do ALL the things effortlessly and shined with a vitality that I didn't have to fight daily for. 7 years ago I was only having mild headaches...it was a glorious calm before the storm in my head that placed me on an unknown land within myself. 7 years ago I was a very different  person. 14 years ago I was engaged. Planning a destination wedding with no-one but us. I was in a high paying job with stress levels that suffocated me. 14 years ago, I had full fight in me. Damn I was powerful...and naive...and adorably hopeful. 21 years ago I was 19...beginning my path of sacred exploration. I was larger than life with endless energy that drove me to self-sufficent tendencies and treasured adventures. 21 years ago I was angry all the time...anger is potent fuel for action. I was a playa who crushed a lot, with careless choices and grand memories. Whew...I'm kinda tired from just remembering all the energetic power I had back then. 

Every year this Trillium Tradition reminds me of how my Life is made up of many, many selves within the whole Self of who I am. I am both no longer these past parts of me AND very much these parts of me. They still have a say in my resistances and fears. They still need some understanding and forgiveness. They still have a say in the wholeness of who I am, therefore, need to be heard in order to not take over. They need called out on occasion to see my story of now and feel a part of who I am becoming so they are less likely to sabotage it. Tricky lil' wee beasties.

Last week my Trillium Tradition happened for this year. Perfect timing in conjunction with all the thoughts, feelings, and creatings I'm in for my Circle offering. Remembering how 7 years ago began the second spiritual rebellion of my life that propelled me through the underworld of where I am today...offering a sacred space for women to rewild themselves to wholeness and declare their right & responsibity to their Life. Grateful, I am, for that second rebellion...it gave me the courage to burn all my certificates and give myself permission to unbrand myself with anything that isn't me and put me on the edge of finding out how to be okay just as I am...warts and all.

If you have Trillium in your neck of the woods, I offer you the invitation to try my lil' tradition. If you don't have them around and still want to play, go for it! Use the pictures for observing. Meditate, journey, or astral project yourself to the energy of Trillium and revisit your 7 year cycles. 

 

And if you are looking for a sacred space to tend to the who you are, doing what is true, and shifting the shit that isn't of your power...consider the Circle I'm offering. The doors are open right now and will be closing next week. The welcoming preparations are active as soon as you enroll to the Ruzuku room. 

 

 

Feel inspired to act on my Trillium Tradition?  I'd love to hear about it in the comments below.

Xoxox, Nissa

Sometimes it takes a concussion...

In today's Sacred Ramble Podcast, I'm following up with you the path I shared a few months ago as I was reflecting on the two years since my head surgery. (find that post HERE)

This isn't the story I was planning to tell today...but it's the story I need to tell. And in telling it...i heard myself gather some really good medicine. Such as..."I'm proving to myself...". I love this. I need this. I am my own biggest critic...so I welcome the gritty battlefield of self love to soften this inner demon by proving it wrong.

Now...back to my naps...my baths...my small nuggets of work. I hope you enjoy today's Sacred Ramble.

Did any reflections show up for you?

What is your default setting on how to handle repeat challenges?

Is there another way?

What do you need to prove to yourself?

Comments open below if you feel called to be heard.

Much love,

Nissa

PS. Check out 13 Moons Sacred Art experience which begins March 18th. I'll be aadding my voice and magic to Galias circlue.

PPS. Full moon coming up...do you need a bone reading?

PPPS. I'll be opening membership circle and drum making deposits in March....so get ready!

No-Full-Moon-February + Printable Gift!

The Vlog says it all...and then some! You know how I can ramble. It also doesn't say a lot that only comes after the recording stops...isn't that how it always goes? Anyway, enjoy the show and I can't wait to hear what your "oracle that shit" has to say in the comments below!


Now, for the gift!

I have this knack for speaking from a place within me that is somewhere in-between the heart and ethers and somehow makes it into my mouth for speaking. Often I say..."holy crap, that was great...I gotta write that down!'. I call them Nis-isms. I have a Trello board entirely dedicated to them and it keeps growing everyday. I had this printable page of a few of my favorite Nis-isms from 2017. My wish is that they will support or boost you in some way. Print them, hang them, share them...whatever feels good to you. 

Thank you for being a part of my world.

The inconveninece of Sacred Listening & why it's important.

So. I was pretty sure I had it all organized and prepared for the first time in my last 3 years. Until 2 days ago, I was feeling pretty #boss and proud of myself for having myself ahead of schedule and fully resourced with supplies. I had hide pieces organized, corn measured and in bags, sinew cut and wrapped. I had cleansed and cleared all stones, bones, feathers, fur, and herbs. I was READY to work! Orders are coming in. People are sharing the offering of my Online Rattle Making Circle. And my heart is twirling with arms out-stretched with joy because this is the stuff I've been dreaming of. This is the stuff that makes me love life. I love to work. When I'm working from the place of my heart, soul and purpose; I'm happier than a baby goat playing on a car.

Isn't he lush & gorgeous! In love. Always in love with these majestic beasts.

Isn't he lush & gorgeous! In love. Always in love with these majestic beasts.

I begin curating the bundles of rattle making things. I'm singing up names and moving my actions to the rhythm of my feels. (It's kind of an epic day at the office, if you ask me! #blessed) A voice from deep in my muscles whisper, "you are missing a medicine". And I know this voice means I need another hide to be a part of this circle...I know this voice means that the resistances I'm feeling with some of the bundles are because the medicine I have ready isn't the energy lineage those people need.

That voice is the sound of my Sacred.

Listening to it is often risky and always magical.

I know this voice is telling me the one thing that will have me stop all the good flow I have going and begin the processing of another hide...with less than 2 weeks before the circle opens. Sheesh...really? Over that last couple of years of holding sacred sound making circles I've honed and refined this process into one that I'm really proud of and the ability to offer this online is just game-changing awesome. Having finally landed on a work flow that felt solid and supported has me on next-level expansion that I'm actively choosing to open myself to with every breath. I can't help but shake my head and giggle at the cosmic comedy that the time I have finally behaved in a way that takes all my lessons learned into a solid level-up, a wrench is thrown into the cog of surety and I'm making space (again) for the unknown to be business partner and trust to be my investor. It's not lost on me the humor in the ONE time I feel like I've got this all under control, is the time that another lesson is to be learned. As one cycle ends, another begins. And as this is the flow of the universe...never is anything final or figured out. All is in constant movement of learning, unlearning, learning to unlearn, and sacred actions of being human.

Now, I'm gonna own that I'm proud of myself. This isn't my first rodeo in the dusty corrals of WTF. This isn't the first time I've been nudged by truth, spirit, and knowing and followed it unsure. Usually I follow it kicking and screaming, doubting and questioning. So, I'm feeling kinda humbled to say I'm proud of myself for hearing the message and responding with "okay!" and just move in the direction the message pointed me in. With the reality of this time crunch, this direction is mighty inconvenient, AND...it would be more inconvenient if I didn't listen when I heard and responded with action right away. It would more inconvenient to remain or entertain the usual kicking and screaming which usually manifests as poisonous procrastination. (I make a distinction here because procrastination has a medicine that has served me well)

Fleshed & fertile...next step is the fire of inflammation to release the safety of fur.

Fleshed & fertile...next step is the fire of inflammation to release the safety of fur.

I simply don't have the actual time for that non-sense. Which makes me wonder...could the time crunch restrictions be my boot camp for building the skill of less doubt and kicking and screaming? Could the past 3 months of deep diving change in my Self through my Sacred Sound Circle be showing me who I really am as a woman who works her magic for a living? Is my reaction to this monkey-wrench be the proof I needed to see the change is me as real and lay to rest those old stories of chaos being drama? I say...all are true to some extent. And more is true but I have a hide to stir so I'm not going to ramble off all the truths I feel inside regarding this topic.

For me, I've worked really hard to build some solid footing for my work in this world. And I recognize that this vision is a moving target that will be something I work on over and over. I also recognize that after many, many, many situations like this where sacred listening is inconvenient, it is always right. Every time in the past where I've listened to the spirit of a thing in spite of my plans, it turns out magical. Every time I've honored the NO or YES inside, in spite of the searing discomfort of having to say it to the person on the other side of it, it has turned out to be empowering. So, one could say I've earned this ease of simply responding without doubt while strengthening trust. I could say that I've earned it. In fact, I think I will...I've earned this ease. I've earned this simple, gentle flow into honoring the medicine of these animals, this circle, and the women who are joining. I'll receive this illusion breaking of "someday" I'll have it all solid and perfect and nothing will waiver...yeah, how boring. I'll gladly receive this voice telling me to do something that doesn't fit my plans because it comes from the place that makes Life a Great Mystery, and trusting that is a skill that must be built through trusting it. 

And so I flow! Two days ago I heard the whisper. Yesterday I fleshed the hide of a beautiful buck my daughter killed in 2016. For the next few days I will stir it hourly during the waking hours and do my work of being a sacred listener on behalf of my whole and holy Self, on behalf of this buck who KNOWS he is the medicine of many, on behalf of the sacred space I create, and on behalf of those of you who are joining me. Because...maybe, just maybe...if I can do this sacred listening thing, you can too. 

Sacred Listening is many things to me and I use this term in many ways. One of it's dialects is the mechanism from which I hear and conversate with my intuition or knowing...this is what I'm talking about here.

The current round of Online Rattle Making Circle for me is turning out to be one of victory, joy, and walking the talk of the lessons I've claimed to learn. IOW...owning the lessons I've claimed to learn by BEING a better version of me in the DOING of how I respond, react, and choose to be. I'm loving this feeling of "yes! I'm doing this! I'm walking with ease through the very things that brought me stress and overwhelm." Feeling this feeling of "I can be in ease because I've walked many paths of it being hard...each time clawing for better listening, being, doing, and outcome". And this is why sacred listening is important. Because it takes you THROUGH the fires of your saboteurs as they burn to their deaths. Because it provides the trail that leads to the lookouts of proof that all is as it should be. Because it knows that it can be inconvenient at times, but it doesn't mean to be...it's just part of the story that makes the medicine.

Blessed be,

Nissa

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Join me in this circle...

Kits available now!

Celebrating decay and catching up on long lost denials.

In my neck of the woods it's a wet, soppy winter. With milder temperatures, my Winter Woman soul is feeling incomplete. There is a heaviness in the air and earth as the water element is having it's way with my beloved winter. I've been a bit bitchy about it, and after a day or so of grumbling I made myself look for the beauty in this slimy half-assed winter. You might know that I have a daily medicine walk with my furbaby Juniper in my towns' nature park. It's a ripe canvas from which to look closely at the wisdom of nature. I have been spending some of my energy there to shift the shit from bitchy to embracing. 

The parks' trails are fortunately lightly maintained so all of the fallen leaves are left to rot and decay in their own perfect timing. With all this rain, it makes them a slippy-sliddy playground for practicing light-footedness as I wondered off path to seek out a spot that wanted to share some medicine with me. I found one.

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I sat on the drenched land and watched the stillness of this scene with my eyes...hearing with my sacred ears...and feeling for my truth within the dialogue coming at me.

I saw how the many layers of leaves left to die their natural death created a thick blanket over the once green plants. I saw how in their process of decay, they are suffocating the innocent bystanders of what is on the surface of the soil. I heard the water of rain drumming it's songs of laying it all down in support of the composting. I felt a truth formulating that the roots of those grasses and greens are quietly sleeping under the surface and will be stronger than ever from this oppression...that in the suffocation, they bring their breath into the dark soil to reinforce the ability to inhale nutrients and exhale thicker roots.

I remembered in this moment a blog post I shared with you last month. The one where I got real vulnerable and shared that I didn't let my surgery recovery be hard. In the presence of this decay and the memory of my denial, a sweet awareness and acceptance unfurled in my bones. The denial is the suffocation. The difficult recovery is the decay that becomes food for my roots. And I have the power in this moment to let it all be. I can choose to celebrate and see the beauty in the decay...to bare witness to the casualties of change as those rigid edges die into softer beginnings...to trust that as a part of Nature I am not separate from it's processes and perfectly timed cycles. No matter how hard or difficult it may feel.

This decay is showing me how the last two years were playing out in the Earth of my body, Air in my breath, Water in my blood, and Fire in my spirit. And I have the power to let the acknowledgement of it being hard flood backwards in my story and cleanse it of the shame I bought into...so I can step forward into loving what and who I am now. 

I'm learning something about denial...rather, a desire to be softer on it. It's a part of the decay that leads to a nourishing compost for what lies under the surface and will yet again grow green and lively. I'm wondering, envisioning, and hoping that learning to soften towards denial within me will show me how to extend the same to those I judge being in denial. Couldn't we ALL use a little softening to the things that hold us back? I for one want to better know myself in order to better know those I don't understand...so I can expand.

It's amazing what you can learn about yourself when you listen, look, and let it be messy. May you too, make yourself seek out and listen to the messages everywhere in this great mystery of Life. 

Much love,

Nissa


In between Solstice & Christmas {guided journey gift for you}

I'm sure by now, you've heard me gush about my love of the winter season...the dark time of year. One of the many reasons I thrive in the dark is the pull toward reflection. Today I'm reflecting on how much has changed for me in this season of holidaze. (not a misprint). Today I'm reflecting how {yet again} in life I am neither this or that. I'm neither one or the other. I'm the in-between kind of gal, and the more honest I am with myself and my actions, the more I'm good with it.

Solstice Fire

Solstice Fire

Yule Tree

Yule Tree

Today is this unique in-between. A couple of days from my beloved Winter Solstice...the energy I most celebrate during these holiday conundrums. And a couple of day away from the Christmas holiday that I have spent YEARS of my adult life divorcing my familial funded hub-bub...although I've held on to the tree and the stocking stuffed for my kid. (fun fact...the Christmas tree was inspired by the Yule tree...just sayin'. Anyway, today is a weird in-between of what is mine, what was expected of me and the blissed-out freedom I feel by owning the new land of ease I've created around this holiday season by going my own way. I sometimes forget the panic, overwhelm, and chaos that one can feel when they are filling up their time with making memories that are born of tradition.

And then I listen...I listen to hear what is being said between the words...I listen with sacred ears and realize how much I'm missing. And I hear the tender tensions running through the sacred sounds of voices. I hear the swallowing of truths because there doesn't seem time to deal with the mess that truth tends to make. I hear the exhausted depletion of not enough Self care (whatever that is for you) ((I say that because my way of Self care looks a lot like doing too much, but I love me a checked off to-do list)). I hear myself wishing to help ease those threads and so I had a good long talk with myself and we all agreed that why couldn't I offer a guided journey meditation to my people and if you are in overwhelm...may it help make space and energy to get through...may it deepen your connection to your Self. 

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Today is a heavy day for another reason. I said good-bye to the Boxer we have been fostering. He found a home rather quickly and we were on the path of saying yes to adopting him ourselves but the timing we needed to decide didn't quite work for the timing that opened up for him. I fell in love with this boy...my Budders. I am heart broken and walking the mechanics of threshold crossing that I often preach in my circles of sacred space. I have so much I could share that I think would be reflective for you, but for right now I need tend to the feels of this loss. My vision is to circle

back here an share my experience of how to navigate difficult thresholds. For now, I wanna get drunk in how much I love him. I am gonna sit in this container of feeling the loss and hold that with some love today. I shared about him on Instagram if you wanna check that out. There's some good juju in those rambles. 

Without further adeu...I offer you this gift. I hand you the permission slip to carve out 20-30 minutes for yourself and let someone else do the dishes...run to the store...whatever...and receive some good medicine from the elements that make up the sacred space of you. If you are overwhelmed, depleted, or just want it...you need it. 

May your holidaze be that of a memory where you find yourself declaring that it was the most enjoyable one yet! I love you, Nissa

Stories that wake the dead

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This is me, October of 2014. The day after this picture was taken, the event that changed my life happened. When I see this version of me, I am so sad. I miss her. She is gone. I mourn her...grieve her...and often feel lost without her.

She was silently suffering. Living in denial of unhealth. Proudly holding on to fierce independence. I like seeing the delicious secrets held in those eyes. I miss the self-safety I felt in being so unavailable.

I miss this version of me. I look at this picture and see the me I've been trying to restore for the last two years. But, she is no longer alive in me, and I still tell stories of her like she is. This is like waking the dead...keeping dead energy within me alive in story to live decayed and never rest into the great threshold of the death process to find a new evolution of being.

Truth is...it's painful to not change when life brings change. Truth is...sudden change is never sudden. The blackout that shook my safety happened the day after this picture was taken and it was the "sudden" change that made my condition no longer something I could hide or continue avoiding. That sudden change was a good 2 years in the making. Therefore...truth is...I am not a victim to Life's shitty shit...I am a victim of my own poisonous denial and avoidance.

I received a great word medicine from the bull Elk spirit whose hide I worked for my recent drum making circle. He gave me this message, "No one is 'too good' or 'above it'. If it's in front of you, you can deal with it. Self righteous carries a poison of avoidance." The pride I carry in being proud of who I once was is keeping me from being proud of who I am now. To be totally honest, I'm not thrilled of who I am now because I miss the woman I was. I'm not seeing the power in who I am right now versus the power I once had. And to be brutally honest with myself...the bull Elk is right...the pride I feel as poison is using self righteous-rise above it to avoid the truth that this version of me has passed and I'm not being who I am in my story of NOW as fully as I could be to be proud of who I am.

It's time to move on. It's time to Mother the part of me that keeps whining about how I'm not who I was. And I just realized...I'm holding on to this because it's the first time in my life I haven't wanted to move on or forget a past version of myself. Whoa...hell yeah...what a whollop of perspective! Holy shit! Yep...I've always been happy to bury the dead within me and begin again and start a whole new story with a whole new character. What an interesting feeling to actually want myself...even if just a part of me that has died. Whoa. I feel lighter...more understanding of the resistance...and more spacious around the grief I feel for the part of me I need to let die.

"Resistance is the guide."~Nissa

(from the oracle deck I'm creating)

Yeah...so...now what? Well, I hear my inner wise woman pointing me in the direction of my words "it's like waking the dead". The stories I tell myself about the story of this version of me can either be the narrative of the open wounded or the scarred warrior. I have been silently allowing the open wounded narrative be in charge the last few years and it's been painfully disempowering. Truth is...disempowered is place born of limited perspective. Truth is...shift even ONE step out of that line of sight I have a ton of new things to see that will empower me. Truth is...I am never disempowered when I chose to keep moving. 

All this to say...it is not good energy conduct to wake the dead selves. It is not respectful of who I am now, nor who I once was to keep them in a living dead situation within me. It IS beautiful to let what has died, die...to honor it by crossing it over, and giving it back to the great mystery from which it came. It IS empowering to watch it release it's form and return to it's spirit. Past parts of me evolving into spirit guides for my current and future me. And like any psychopomping action, once crossed over, they are limitless possibilities. Why couldn't this version of me I miss so much be elevated to a voice of higher Self? (the answer is the question)

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This is me today. This morning actually. Sitting by my Yule tree with my foster dog, Buddy Junior. This is me...sitting in love and opening to being loved. This is me, moving in the direction of changing with the change. To the me I am today I say...I'm sorry I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry I've been pining for the version of me that died. I'm sorry I've not been seeing your qualities and the beauty you bring to Life. Please forgive me. I love you.

What version of you has died this year? How do you honor it? What have you done with it? What would you like to say to who you are now? I'd love to hear your voice if you feel called to share. Comment below!

Blessed be,

Nissa

Reflecting on 2 years...Owning the truth

2 years ago

broken into...broken open

healing the mind is very different

than healing the body

That was me, 2 years ago. Beginning a journey of recovery that has not fully recovered.

Today's blog is podcast-style. I call them sacred rambles. It's the off-roading communication that often finds me landing on a truth I need to see/feel and embody. Today's sacred ramble landed me on the land of grief, love, owning the sadness of hiding, and uncovering acceptance that rebirth has it's own timeline.

In my current sacred sound circle, we are recording our process and listening to the power of the sacred sound in our voices. In this, a fellow sister, Lena, has voiced that this is also a practice of being heard. The depth of this concept is surfacing in ripples of energy I'm positive are game-changing for how we build the confidence of voice and truth-telling.

It's so easy to keep hiding the things that keep us from inner freedom, forgiveness, and forward motion. It's convenient to tell the stories that keep a dead story alive. It's shit shifting to brave the flames of being heard and speaking the grieving truth. It's one kind of warrioring up to give voice to Self. It's another kind of warrioring up to let yourself be heard. It's the warrioring to soften that can be the most terrifying...because what if...it means we can be loved after all.

In my work, I often find that it's not answers that free us...rather the willingness to accept the unanswerable that flows from our truth that frees us to be whole. In my sharing this sacred ramble with you, I also listened to my words and the truth behind them. I heard myself lamenting through the feels of not giving myself permission for these last 3 years to be the hardship they have truly been. In hearing myself with sacred listening, I can now give myself this truth. It's been hard. I'm still here. I can own it and move out of it now that I can give myself the relief that comes from letting the true story just be what it is. Man...I love the work of being a great mystery housed in this body of a human animal.

When was the last time you really heard yourself? The kind of hearing you extend to a sacred sister, a dear friend, or your child? Tell me...what do you imagine could shift in the listening of your Self when you listen to understand and love? Comment below to be heard.

Much love,

Nissa

Reflecting on the Warrior Queen

Tis' the season of the Watery West, the Cave, and deep reflections born from the changing of an extreme season. Tis' the way of the Wheel of Life. It's what it does. It bring balance through inequality and it shows us there are all kinds of kinds. Part of that balance is the often ass-kicking Cave of the Watery West. Where reflections abound in sometimes frightening ways that can make one feel like they are dying. And part of me is. It's been a slow death, and an even slower rebirth. And I can't say that either have been fully expressed yet. And so both the death and rebirth are still kickin'.

In May of 2015, I "came out" that who I was becoming is a Warrior Queen. An label that explained the expression of the energy that I felt unfurling deep in my soul bones. I could FEEL the woman in me becoming her. I could FEEL the way my clothes would feel differently when I became her. I could FEEL I believed I was on path to her and I believed she was on path to me. I had faith in the vision that the threshold to cross was going to happen winter 2015/2016.

I was WAY off on that one. And that's okay. I have no problem being reminded of the beautiful Life lesson that once I put solid structure around that which I envision, I imprison it. IOW: don't get attached to visions...do follow them around my inner world and let them be free range. (like me, I'm hella free range, so why shouldn't my visions be too?) Anyway, It wasn't until late June of this year...that's right, 2017...that I felt actually rebirthed into the direction of this Warrior Queen within me. I have dreamt here and claimed her as possible long before I actually felt the shift. This season of reflections, cave, and death has really got me thinking about all the stories I tell that aren't her...and really wanting to tell the story that is her. And so, I dug up my original declaration of her and updated it. 

Enjoy.


becoming warrior queen.

the unfathomable laying down of sword and shield becomes a heart-breaking unavoidable happening.

happening deep within.

happening to completion before the mind has the chance to sabotage the change.

then caves up in the soul bones, waiting for the right season to emerge.

leaving a trail of triggered emotional bombs behind her.

becoming warrior queen.

a torturous surrender to the discomfort of shedding the battle worn armor.

fighting death to fight for life.

wishing that she would emerge already and save you from yourself. 

in shock over how hard this actually is...not what was envisioned...how could I be so wrong?

becoming warrior queen.

forging new armor.

a kind of armor that armors up to armor down.

a kind of armor that is open, kind, and fierce.

this is the stuff she's made of.

she deserves it. 

she has fought a long war.

she has earned this promotion.

becoming warrior queen.

with sexy scars and softened eyes.

with fire still raging inside.

she slows down to see more of the world around her.

taking it all in.

for one day, she too, will have lived out her life and another version of woman will rise up just like she did.


No doubt, when the soul shifts and inner transformation begins, one is called forth to walk into the fire of trials and challenges. It isn't easy or clean. However, I'm finding that when I'm just letting it be what it is and I give myself, and the process, permission to be difficult and messy; the simpler the path is. The more space I have to breath within it. The more organic it is...like a wheel of the year...the shifts and changes just happen at their own time outside my deadlines of being the change. There are days I want to scrape my skin from the intensity. There are moments I feel bigger and brighter and more beautiful than ever before. There are weeks flying by that feel lost to memory yet I see how far I've come. And in every moment I'm having to choose, observe, trust, and feel.

It's the feels that make it messy...muddy...bloody...and authentic. But without them, it wouldn't be change!

What does it take to make the warrior the queen? Well, I fully believe it's different for any woman; and maybe sharing mine might shine a light on yours. And by this I mean any change, it doesn't necessarily mean your change is the same as mine...warrior to queen to warrior queen...but if this does tug at your truth, I'd love to hear a poetic voicing over in the comments of this soul note. We are a tribe of whole being belonging to ourselves...in a sacred circle sharing, shedding, shining.

And when I feel the balance of this transformation...when I feel both warrior and queen, I feel like I look like this...

 
IMG_20170901_165547_473.jpg
 

I see the battles fought in my eyes...the wisdom gained, the pain of loosing, the healing of wounds. I see the softness of a present presence, smiling with the compassion of the fragile strength of being human in battle. I see an openness. A woman changing before her very eyes.

"choosing to change with the changes in my Life" 

What is changing within you?

Are you changing with that change?

How can you do so with more consciousness and power and choice?

YOU are sacred space. The great mystery within you is an entire universe. Anything is possible. You just have to choose. 

MUCH LOVE from an this warrior queen,

nissa