Cutting through Skin

My most profound moments of self-therapy and inner breakthroughs have occurred at the fleshing beam. I have witnessed tremoring breakthroughs when one feels for the first time what it’s really like to cut through skin. I have seen the shadows of WTF flash across a face before I hear the victory exhale from the women crossed thresholds of resistance in birthing their sacred sounds with me. Working hides and guiding you through the making of sacred sound is one of my top 3 honors in Life.

There is something about cutting through skin that awakens a deep and ancient felt-vision. My thought is that as modern humans with our reduced primal movement and purpose we are becoming more and more domesticated even when we say we are wild at heart. The actions and experiences we give our animal bodies determine the patterns we carve out in our neural pathways. So...if one never faces the uncomfortable and finds themselves HAVING to figure out how to flow past something out of their zone, they become more rigid and safe in small spaces of mind and body. There is something about cutting through skin that shakes the rigid right out of you. There is something about cutting through skin that awakens a remembering in the bones that shatters these modern energy cages. There is something about cutting through skin that ReWild’s your inner voice. There is something about cutting through skin that tells the original tale of reverence. There is something about cutting through skin that calls for you to rebirth as you birth your drum or rattle...and if one allows the transition, magic is made...and sometimes, initiation.

The flesh of my hides for sacred sound making reflect our flesh. The death of these animals remind us of death. Their scraped and naked skin show us what is possible. And from one body...many are born. In transforming their flesh...we transform something in us too.

The idea of cutting through skin can ripple all sorts of resistance and crunchy feels…after all…it was once a living being. And this is why I ask my makers to do it...It’s important to me that we don’t gloss over the gritty stuff of life, death and rebirth...it’s important to me that we don’t anesthetize our pain about where our medicine comes from...in this case, a living creature. Cutting through skin provides this level of clarity. It is my belief and my way of life to honor these beings by not backing down to what feels uncomfortable….by not seeing their leftover body as something to avoid or disconnect from. It is my belief and my way of life to honor their death by creating resourced magic and medicine from their leftover bodies...to use as much of them as I can. It is my belief and my way of life to honor their life by giving the medicine of their animal experience a voice. Treating death this way is a path I had to teach myself and there are always shadows to walk through and poison to turn into medicine. It is a choice to face the ugly and shift the shit to love it anyway. We all have this same choice. From where I stand, there is no right or wrong choice...just own what your choice says about you...just be honest with yourself...is this choice making you proud of yourself? Is what you make of death useful and life-affirming medicine?

How you treat death is how you show up in life.~ Nissa Howard

There is something about cutting through flesh that is other-worldy and completely embodied at the same time. It’s great training for being a medicine keeper and modern ancestor. It’s great training for walking with one foot in both worlds. It’s great training for wholeness because wholeness is the wisdom of holding both as true.

“Opposites are the pillars of wholeness”. ~Nissa Howard

Is it time for you to make Rattle medicine? To make an epic shit-shifter and trusted hand-held spirit guide/teacher/healer? Enrollment for Online Rattle Making Circle is now open. If you have a local coven or circle of 5 or more that you would like to make this medicine with, I’m offering a super-special deal...inquire via email at witchynis@gmail.com.

Stories from my journal:::"my truth is right for me"

Hello lovelies. Welcome to another installment of me reading from my journal. This idea started when I shared stories from my quest journal. This felt so perfectly uncomfortable and emboldenly transparent for strengthening my voice and overcoming the inner victim at the time. The nudge to continue sharing has not gone away. Now, truth be told, there are pages I’m sure I’ll never share…some things get to stay sacred.

There is something so “on brand” about my ReWilding Wholeness in action that is played out on the pages of my journal…so why not share it so you have a better sense of what is done in my offering. My journal is that place I go where I don’t have to make sense…I don’t have to explain it…I can let the many faces of ME have a voice and conversate together at the fire of my inner council. Several of you have reached out about working with me and ReWilding Wholeness…please remember that doors will open again in March. So get ready to join next season!

Please listen with sacred ears…take what you need…leave what you don’t. Please remember that I am reading from my journal pages…it’s scary as fuck…be kind. My hope is that it will give you something that is empowering, inspiring, and self-reflecting. May we all do better, be better, choose better and behave as “my truth is right for me”. This can be tricky y’all. AND, it’s not different than any other thing in existence…it has a poison AND a medicine. How it is dosed in each and every moment is up to the individual.

Blessed be, Nissa

Thank you for being a part of my world. I look forward to seeing you somewhere in closer view. Here are some upcoming offerings to consider and start preparing for. I am a budget conscious person and if you are too…I want to give you a big heads up to start saving if you need to. (or tell your family that you want holiday money for it…this is how I got my quest cabin in the woods!) Not all offerings are up on the website yet…you will be the first to know when those pages are live.

  • COMING SOON: limited run of my small batch made Skin Food **$33-$38 (wholesale runs welcome)

  • COMING SOON: limited run of rattle necklaces that carry the power of “not explaining”. **$50

  • COMING SOON: Online Rattle Making Circle: February 1st -28th, 2019 **$275

  • bone reading membership (on-going and open all the time) **$37/month

It's called "hunting", not "getting"

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Oh Eastern Oregon. Land of my soul peace, and where I hunt. This is the land that raised me to be the woman I am. This land is my mother. Oh, Eastern Oregon. Land where what you see in the picture above is one road becoming two. 

It's been a pretty dry few years for me and my gun. The land owner has had to shift some things for her own livelihood, and when one part shifts...all parts shift...and the whole of it shifts. I'm blessed in how I hunt because even though it's not my land, it's private land and it runs deep in my veins. I'm blessed because my family hunts here and what's left of my "hunting family" hunts here. Between all of us...this land has been a precious provider and caretaker of the deer and elk that y'all get to make your drums and rattles with. The environment is changing. A rightful mourning walks with the effort of acceptance, and is joined by grit of making changes in the situation that has changed.

This year, I was gifted a precious treasure of hunting alone most of the days I was hunting. My hubby and daughter couldn't go. My Dad had his logging job (close by). And the other hunters were already gone. The trip was unsuccessful in the blood shed department. And this happens. It's a called "hunting", not "getting". This is a reality of the wild. I've had seasons of my hunting "career" where every year we tag out and tag out early. Now I'm in a season where the pickin's are slim and the abundance is fallow. And this is okay! Any real hunting will tell you that the kill is not the only target we set our sights on when we hunt. We are there to be in what I call "the real world". We are there to reconnect to nature, ourselves, and something greater than ourselves. The kill is where the hard work begins and isn't our only measure for success. There are no guarantees in the wild...the real wild...not the pre-packaged, safe, version...where someone else does all the work and you just get to show up and pull the trigger. It is unwise to expect success...you have to hunt it down yourself, pull the trigger, and do all the work of making your kill into something. (yes...oracle this shit...it works for non-hunting life too)

In much of what I do...death has had to come first or at least, play a part. Drums and rattles cannot be made without animal hide. Bone readings would not be the magic they are if that elk had not died with shattered bones. And ReWilding Wholeness wouldn't be the container it is without my ability to hold and relationship death well. 

"How you treat death, is how you show up in life." ~Nissa

I treat death with respect, honor, gratitude, and creation. I meet it's pain with willingness to feel it all. These things show up in how I show up in life too. How do you treat death? And can you see how those qualities show up in how you show up? Based on how this awareness tastes to you...either change it, or savor it.

One of the most powerful deaths was the one where the Lady of the Bones was released. It was 2013 or 2014. I can't remember exactly. She became an elk on this land so she could die before me and we could work together. Ever since I met her, she has been in charge of how she works, when she works, and the evolution of it all. 

And, just like my hunting land...the environment is changing for her too. For the last 3 years her and I have solidly worked with her shattered bones to bring ancient ways into the magic of bone reading medicine. She is ready to change. It is time to change how the bone readings are offered.

"All living things have little deaths throughout life." ~Nissa

This shift has been on the winds of my knowing since spring and just like anything else...I've been scoping it out and tracking it's movements and now it's time to pull the trigger on it's threshold of change.#nevernothunting 

In the simplest terms I can muster, the bone readings will now be offered in these two ways:

  1. Membership style. Beginning at the new moon on Samhain, monthly readings will go out to members only and members will have access to the bone reading library.

  2. Deep dive healing. One on one readings can be accessed through my Free-Rand Medicine Sessions in which we meet via Zoom and if a bone reading is needed, a bone reading ye shall have. The Lady of the Bones is desiring a more interactive presence with individual readings...instead of being behind the curtain of a recording, she wants to be with you in real time.

Now...both of these offerings are not quite ready to step into. Me and my Fairy Goddess-Raven are fervently off-roading the best way to share the power of these gifts. And it's harder than you think! It's a special kind of torture to hang on the meathook of "what is my magic...how do I describe my magic...how do I language this medicine in a way that people can feel it". In a perfect world of magic & hustle, I'd climb right off that fucking meathook and just say..."Hi, I'm Nissa. I'm a seer, mama bear, and free-range medicine woman. My sessions, readings, and makings can help you wisdom your poison and gather your medicine. It's expected to get messy. And it will be totally worth it."...and then droves of other free-range medicine women with rebel hearts and wild craving will join me and I can DO. MY. WORK. (just a little peak into my inner-most desires) I am both idealist and realist. And, realistically I have to unpack that basic truth to give a better understanding...right? Or do I? I wonder what would happen if I put out a sales page that actually just said what is real...all 3 sentences of it and a sign up link. Good Goddess I hope I will be brave enough to do that someday! This is a long winded way of telling you that I hope to have both options ready for you to consider by next week. For sure...the bone reading memebership will be ready for your consideration by next week. I've already got two readings in the library for you to sink your teeth into as soon as you claim your space at the table.

Let's wrap this up! 

Here's the cool stuff I want to make sure you know about. Bone Reading Membership & Free-Range Medicine Sessions are almost out of the birth canal. 

ReWilding Wholeness is blowing my mind and spilling my guts. I can't wait to see it grow even more in the spring. You can follow me on Instagram to get a taste of my own process within the space I hold. Doors open again in the spring.

The Spiral Book of Days is about ready to begin again. I've ordered mine already and want to let you know about it in case it calls to you too. And if you remember...last year I did a give-a-way because I believe in it so much. This fall, I've been tits deep in overwhelm and just haven't had the space to take on one more thing...but I still want to support this book. It is a part of my magical life.

Stories from Quest::: "sitting with trauma-self"

3 days in a cabin in the woods. 3 days of fiery focus, dismemberment and rewilding. One day for Death. One day for Rebirth. One day for Life. In this audio, I read from my quest journal one of my many journeys of sitting with my trauma-self that I've been running from for a few years now. Turns out...it's not so scary and we are entering a different relationship so I can evolve it. It's tender to share such intimate inner work, and I am willing to take the risk in the hopes it will inspire thought as well as give me action of no longer hiding it. 

*you may need to open in google player or download to device to listen. it SHOULD just open right up for you to push play and sink in.

It was an intense 3 days and once I came home I became aware of the idea that when I invite women to rewild with me...when I prompt them in the direction of their own self-evolution in Rewilding Wholeness, I'm asking them to feel these things too. It's always equalizing reminder to be grateful for. A humbling reminder that we are all going through self-evolution…leaders, healer, and guides are human too. This is why we sit in CIRCLES…side by side…learning from each other.

Stories from Quest::: "keeping myself safe".

Another episode of storytelling from my Quest journal that held my healing process from my 3 days of solitude in a forested cabin. Recently, I pulled out my journal from my Quest back in 2015 and I was stunned by how differently I process and move from victim to victor...from pain to power...from poison to medicine. Now, it's less storied and more proactive and self-accountable. I am grateful for my evolution and for my commitment to continue my evolution. 

Look. It's not fun to look in the face of the parts of us that are not behaving with integrity. It's humbling, embarrassing, and triggers feelings shame that are tempting to turn into blame.

Don't shame it...Do something about it!

~Nis-ism of the week by your truly. You can quote me on this.

As medicine keepers, it is our duty to find the medicine in the poisons we carry. It is our right as living creatures to have sovereign knowing of Self. It is our responsibility to do the things that free ourselves from the carcassed agreements that have us struggling.

This story is me sharing with you how I do this work of being an essence of great mystery walking around in a human animal. If this language of my process calls to you or inspires you...learn it for yourself by doing it with me in my Rewilding Wholeness circle. (doors open on the Equinoxes)

Walk with me:::Going on a Quest

It's Tuesday. I'm about ready to head out for a 3 day solitude retreat with my sweet Juniper. (Boxer furbaby) This trip was intended to be a silent space for me to just be alone and unplug. Then, Sunday happened and I heard myself declaring things I wasn't aware of. Monday had me in the West with the Water and all the feels. It was yesterday that I could see that Quest has shown up in my life...and that this 3 days pampering of solitude and hiking is embodying the intention of Quest

It was not long after I made this video that I declared that I'm in a Quest cycle this week. The power of Rewilding Wholeness that was started this Spring and is evolving this coming Equinox has changed me. With little shifts, so much has changed in the last 6 months. 

So...here I go. Off to give myself to the power of Quest. To surrender to the dismemberment. To shatter illusion. To mercy kill and pull the plug. To permission myself. To remember myself. To reanimate my magic from the mummification of busy-ness. To walk the forest with my dog and listen, wail, lay down, and receive. To take my sacred work ethic into the wilderness for some "walking the talk". To Rewilding the Rewilding that is coming forward for you to join. How can I be a better guide if I don't continue to make my wild more deep and wide? 

So...here I go. I've said yes to Quest and it has begun for me before I leave. Now, I own that I am doing this Quest in a very non-traditional way. I've done them traditional. I've broken those rules and did them my own way. And now I'm breaking them again to know Quest in another way. So, for any die-hard red-roaders out there...YES, I know this is "not how it's done". AND...I'm a wild soul of great mystery living in a human animal. I will migrate and adapt and do it my own damn way. I will pioneer new paths on old lands to evolve the scenery for future generations. #wearethenewancestors 

Permission granted to not need anyone's permission. And...I'm OUT!

You can sign up or renew now for Rewilding. The welcome wagon begins on September 23rd. We cast the circle on October7th. I can tell you what I know for myself...I am a better woman for it. 

"Being better, and trying to be better isn't about not being good enough.

Making yourself better is evolution."~Nissa Howard 

I also know this to be true...no one else has what you have inside. Know one else can make you better. Sovereignty promises us that we have the right & responsibility to our Life, and that you have to DO the things that change you. The Wild promises us that evolution is the difference between surviving and thriving.

My Trillium Tradition

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In my neck of the woods, we have a wild & native flower called Trillium. I remember the first time I saw one. I was 19. Hiking with a guy-friend. We were chatting away when the corner of my eye caught a flash of white from the ground. My body reacted with an automatic impulse...turning me and dropping me to the ground as if I were laying myself at the feet of a beloved deity. My friend giggled at the immediate turn of focus and admitted to the shock he received when my unexpected squeal filled the air. Fortunately, my friend grew up here in Western Oregon and identified it when I looked up at him and breathlessly asked "what IS this flower?". I can still see the amusement in his smile. He always appreciated my whimsical and unconventional ways. I sat in front of that white three-pedaled beauty for what seemed like hours. I remember the conversation we had through the language of feelings & sensations...her resounding message at the time was "remember who you are".  

Not-so-coincidentally this was the year I sat in my first women's circle, began reading any & all things new-age, witchcraft, druidic, moon, and women mysteries. This was the year I found the meaning behind maiden, mother, crone...and found that I actually had the mind power to heal myself and create my own reality. I was ravenous for knowing but stuffed myself with knowledge instead. Knowledge that served the path of knowing, but by no means secured my knowing. I truly believe each one of us has all we need inside to be whole...we just have to make the choice to explore and alchemize.

Any-hoo... 

I learned how sacred, medicinal, and magical Trillium is. I learned how they grow, what they need to reproduce, and how to tincture them. Most facts I wouldn't be able to regurgitate to you now these 21 years later. I do, however, have my knowing of them from the connections and conversations I had with Trillium over the years. I do have the knowing of my experiences with them that have never left me. One of the tid-bits I have carried with me is that Trilliums bloom every seven years. 7 is a particularly spiritual number and has correspondences all over the various cosmologies. (7 body chakras anyone?) I Oracle this shit to mean that every Trillium I see is not afraid of the dark. They thrive on being below the surface and living in a way that tends to the depths and roots of their being. They remind me that not everyone is cut out for constant blooming or yearly surface breaking. They remind me that some medicine takes years of underground dwelling to be what it is designed to be. Another juicy bite I carry with me is how they sensitively tend to unbalanced menstrual cycles by aiding the blood to begin. I'm astounded at the message of how something as powerful as blood requires a tender touch.

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So...

Every year, when I encounter my first Trillium of the year, I offer it a gift and some gratitude and spend some time listening to it...remembering who I am...and relearning what I know to be medicine from the lens of who I am now. It has become my Trillium tradition to sit with the first one I see and reflect on the last 7 years...and the 7 years before that, and so on. 7 years ago was a tragic year for my daughter that began a dark depressive season in her life. 7 years ago I began to see the trappings of spiritual enlightenment when the human element isn't allowed to be sacred. #samedogmadifferent"church" And I began to behave in ways that were true to me...only to get me in trouble with those people in spiritual power. 7 years ago I was able-minded to do ALL the things effortlessly and shined with a vitality that I didn't have to fight daily for. 7 years ago I was only having mild headaches...it was a glorious calm before the storm in my head that placed me on an unknown land within myself. 7 years ago I was a very different  person. 14 years ago I was engaged. Planning a destination wedding with no-one but us. I was in a high paying job with stress levels that suffocated me. 14 years ago, I had full fight in me. Damn I was powerful...and naive...and adorably hopeful. 21 years ago I was 19...beginning my path of sacred exploration. I was larger than life with endless energy that drove me to self-sufficent tendencies and treasured adventures. 21 years ago I was angry all the time...anger is potent fuel for action. I was a playa who crushed a lot, with careless choices and grand memories. Whew...I'm kinda tired from just remembering all the energetic power I had back then. 

Every year this Trillium Tradition reminds me of how my Life is made up of many, many selves within the whole Self of who I am. I am both no longer these past parts of me AND very much these parts of me. They still have a say in my resistances and fears. They still need some understanding and forgiveness. They still have a say in the wholeness of who I am, therefore, need to be heard in order to not take over. They need called out on occasion to see my story of now and feel a part of who I am becoming so they are less likely to sabotage it. Tricky lil' wee beasties.

Last week my Trillium Tradition happened for this year. Perfect timing in conjunction with all the thoughts, feelings, and creatings I'm in for my Circle offering. Remembering how 7 years ago began the second spiritual rebellion of my life that propelled me through the underworld of where I am today...offering a sacred space for women to rewild themselves to wholeness and declare their right & responsibity to their Life. Grateful, I am, for that second rebellion...it gave me the courage to burn all my certificates and give myself permission to unbrand myself with anything that isn't me and put me on the edge of finding out how to be okay just as I am...warts and all.

If you have Trillium in your neck of the woods, I offer you the invitation to try my lil' tradition. If you don't have them around and still want to play, go for it! Use the pictures for observing. Meditate, journey, or astral project yourself to the energy of Trillium and revisit your 7 year cycles. 

 

And if you are looking for a sacred space to tend to the who you are, doing what is true, and shifting the shit that isn't of your power...consider the Circle I'm offering. The doors are open right now and will be closing next week. The welcoming preparations are active as soon as you enroll to the Ruzuku room. 

 

 

Feel inspired to act on my Trillium Tradition?  I'd love to hear about it in the comments below.

Xoxox, Nissa

Sometimes it takes a concussion...

In today's Sacred Ramble Podcast, I'm following up with you the path I shared a few months ago as I was reflecting on the two years since my head surgery. (find that post HERE)

This isn't the story I was planning to tell today...but it's the story I need to tell. And in telling it...i heard myself gather some really good medicine. Such as..."I'm proving to myself...". I love this. I need this. I am my own biggest critic...so I welcome the gritty battlefield of self love to soften this inner demon by proving it wrong.

Now...back to my naps...my baths...my small nuggets of work. I hope you enjoy today's Sacred Ramble.

Did any reflections show up for you?

What is your default setting on how to handle repeat challenges?

Is there another way?

What do you need to prove to yourself?

Comments open below if you feel called to be heard.

Much love,

Nissa

PS. Check out 13 Moons Sacred Art experience which begins March 18th. I'll be aadding my voice and magic to Galias circlue.

PPS. Full moon coming up...do you need a bone reading?

PPPS. I'll be opening membership circle and drum making deposits in March....so get ready!

No-Full-Moon-February + Printable Gift!

The Vlog says it all...and then some! You know how I can ramble. It also doesn't say a lot that only comes after the recording stops...isn't that how it always goes? Anyway, enjoy the show and I can't wait to hear what your "oracle that shit" has to say in the comments below!


Now, for the gift!

I have this knack for speaking from a place within me that is somewhere in-between the heart and ethers and somehow makes it into my mouth for speaking. Often I say..."holy crap, that was great...I gotta write that down!'. I call them Nis-isms. I have a Trello board entirely dedicated to them and it keeps growing everyday. I had this printable page of a few of my favorite Nis-isms from 2017. My wish is that they will support or boost you in some way. Print them, hang them, share them...whatever feels good to you. 

Thank you for being a part of my world.

The inconveninece of Sacred Listening & why it's important.

So. I was pretty sure I had it all organized and prepared for the first time in my last 3 years. Until 2 days ago, I was feeling pretty #boss and proud of myself for having myself ahead of schedule and fully resourced with supplies. I had hide pieces organized, corn measured and in bags, sinew cut and wrapped. I had cleansed and cleared all stones, bones, feathers, fur, and herbs. I was READY to work! Orders are coming in. People are sharing the offering of my Online Rattle Making Circle. And my heart is twirling with arms out-stretched with joy because this is the stuff I've been dreaming of. This is the stuff that makes me love life. I love to work. When I'm working from the place of my heart, soul and purpose; I'm happier than a baby goat playing on a car.

  Isn't he lush & gorgeous! In love. Always in love with these majestic beasts.

Isn't he lush & gorgeous! In love. Always in love with these majestic beasts.

I begin curating the bundles of rattle making things. I'm singing up names and moving my actions to the rhythm of my feels. (It's kind of an epic day at the office, if you ask me! #blessed) A voice from deep in my muscles whisper, "you are missing a medicine". And I know this voice means I need another hide to be a part of this circle...I know this voice means that the resistances I'm feeling with some of the bundles are because the medicine I have ready isn't the energy lineage those people need.

That voice is the sound of my Sacred.

Listening to it is often risky and always magical.

I know this voice is telling me the one thing that will have me stop all the good flow I have going and begin the processing of another hide...with less than 2 weeks before the circle opens. Sheesh...really? Over that last couple of years of holding sacred sound making circles I've honed and refined this process into one that I'm really proud of and the ability to offer this online is just game-changing awesome. Having finally landed on a work flow that felt solid and supported has me on next-level expansion that I'm actively choosing to open myself to with every breath. I can't help but shake my head and giggle at the cosmic comedy that the time I have finally behaved in a way that takes all my lessons learned into a solid level-up, a wrench is thrown into the cog of surety and I'm making space (again) for the unknown to be business partner and trust to be my investor. It's not lost on me the humor in the ONE time I feel like I've got this all under control, is the time that another lesson is to be learned. As one cycle ends, another begins. And as this is the flow of the universe...never is anything final or figured out. All is in constant movement of learning, unlearning, learning to unlearn, and sacred actions of being human.

Now, I'm gonna own that I'm proud of myself. This isn't my first rodeo in the dusty corrals of WTF. This isn't the first time I've been nudged by truth, spirit, and knowing and followed it unsure. Usually I follow it kicking and screaming, doubting and questioning. So, I'm feeling kinda humbled to say I'm proud of myself for hearing the message and responding with "okay!" and just move in the direction the message pointed me in. With the reality of this time crunch, this direction is mighty inconvenient, AND...it would be more inconvenient if I didn't listen when I heard and responded with action right away. It would more inconvenient to remain or entertain the usual kicking and screaming which usually manifests as poisonous procrastination. (I make a distinction here because procrastination has a medicine that has served me well)

  Fleshed & fertile...next step is the fire of inflammation to release the safety of fur.

Fleshed & fertile...next step is the fire of inflammation to release the safety of fur.

I simply don't have the actual time for that non-sense. Which makes me wonder...could the time crunch restrictions be my boot camp for building the skill of less doubt and kicking and screaming? Could the past 3 months of deep diving change in my Self through my Sacred Sound Circle be showing me who I really am as a woman who works her magic for a living? Is my reaction to this monkey-wrench be the proof I needed to see the change is me as real and lay to rest those old stories of chaos being drama? I say...all are true to some extent. And more is true but I have a hide to stir so I'm not going to ramble off all the truths I feel inside regarding this topic.

For me, I've worked really hard to build some solid footing for my work in this world. And I recognize that this vision is a moving target that will be something I work on over and over. I also recognize that after many, many, many situations like this where sacred listening is inconvenient, it is always right. Every time in the past where I've listened to the spirit of a thing in spite of my plans, it turns out magical. Every time I've honored the NO or YES inside, in spite of the searing discomfort of having to say it to the person on the other side of it, it has turned out to be empowering. So, one could say I've earned this ease of simply responding without doubt while strengthening trust. I could say that I've earned it. In fact, I think I will...I've earned this ease. I've earned this simple, gentle flow into honoring the medicine of these animals, this circle, and the women who are joining. I'll receive this illusion breaking of "someday" I'll have it all solid and perfect and nothing will waiver...yeah, how boring. I'll gladly receive this voice telling me to do something that doesn't fit my plans because it comes from the place that makes Life a Great Mystery, and trusting that is a skill that must be built through trusting it. 

And so I flow! Two days ago I heard the whisper. Yesterday I fleshed the hide of a beautiful buck my daughter killed in 2016. For the next few days I will stir it hourly during the waking hours and do my work of being a sacred listener on behalf of my whole and holy Self, on behalf of this buck who KNOWS he is the medicine of many, on behalf of the sacred space I create, and on behalf of those of you who are joining me. Because...maybe, just maybe...if I can do this sacred listening thing, you can too. 

Sacred Listening is many things to me and I use this term in many ways. One of it's dialects is the mechanism from which I hear and conversate with my intuition or knowing...this is what I'm talking about here.

The current round of Online Rattle Making Circle for me is turning out to be one of victory, joy, and walking the talk of the lessons I've claimed to learn. IOW...owning the lessons I've claimed to learn by BEING a better version of me in the DOING of how I respond, react, and choose to be. I'm loving this feeling of "yes! I'm doing this! I'm walking with ease through the very things that brought me stress and overwhelm." Feeling this feeling of "I can be in ease because I've walked many paths of it being hard...each time clawing for better listening, being, doing, and outcome". And this is why sacred listening is important. Because it takes you THROUGH the fires of your saboteurs as they burn to their deaths. Because it provides the trail that leads to the lookouts of proof that all is as it should be. Because it knows that it can be inconvenient at times, but it doesn't mean to be...it's just part of the story that makes the medicine.

Blessed be,

Nissa

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Join me in this circle...

Kits available now!

Celebrating decay and catching up on long lost denials.

In my neck of the woods it's a wet, soppy winter. With milder temperatures, my Winter Woman soul is feeling incomplete. There is a heaviness in the air and earth as the water element is having it's way with my beloved winter. I've been a bit bitchy about it, and after a day or so of grumbling I made myself look for the beauty in this slimy half-assed winter. You might know that I have a daily medicine walk with my furbaby Juniper in my towns' nature park. It's a ripe canvas from which to look closely at the wisdom of nature. I have been spending some of my energy there to shift the shit from bitchy to embracing. 

The parks' trails are fortunately lightly maintained so all of the fallen leaves are left to rot and decay in their own perfect timing. With all this rain, it makes them a slippy-sliddy playground for practicing light-footedness as I wondered off path to seek out a spot that wanted to share some medicine with me. I found one.

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I sat on the drenched land and watched the stillness of this scene with my eyes...hearing with my sacred ears...and feeling for my truth within the dialogue coming at me.

I saw how the many layers of leaves left to die their natural death created a thick blanket over the once green plants. I saw how in their process of decay, they are suffocating the innocent bystanders of what is on the surface of the soil. I heard the water of rain drumming it's songs of laying it all down in support of the composting. I felt a truth formulating that the roots of those grasses and greens are quietly sleeping under the surface and will be stronger than ever from this oppression...that in the suffocation, they bring their breath into the dark soil to reinforce the ability to inhale nutrients and exhale thicker roots.

I remembered in this moment a blog post I shared with you last month. The one where I got real vulnerable and shared that I didn't let my surgery recovery be hard. In the presence of this decay and the memory of my denial, a sweet awareness and acceptance unfurled in my bones. The denial is the suffocation. The difficult recovery is the decay that becomes food for my roots. And I have the power in this moment to let it all be. I can choose to celebrate and see the beauty in the decay...to bare witness to the casualties of change as those rigid edges die into softer beginnings...to trust that as a part of Nature I am not separate from it's processes and perfectly timed cycles. No matter how hard or difficult it may feel.

This decay is showing me how the last two years were playing out in the Earth of my body, Air in my breath, Water in my blood, and Fire in my spirit. And I have the power to let the acknowledgement of it being hard flood backwards in my story and cleanse it of the shame I bought into...so I can step forward into loving what and who I am now. 

I'm learning something about denial...rather, a desire to be softer on it. It's a part of the decay that leads to a nourishing compost for what lies under the surface and will yet again grow green and lively. I'm wondering, envisioning, and hoping that learning to soften towards denial within me will show me how to extend the same to those I judge being in denial. Couldn't we ALL use a little softening to the things that hold us back? I for one want to better know myself in order to better know those I don't understand...so I can expand.

It's amazing what you can learn about yourself when you listen, look, and let it be messy. May you too, make yourself seek out and listen to the messages everywhere in this great mystery of Life. 

Much love,

Nissa


In between Solstice & Christmas {guided journey gift for you}

I'm sure by now, you've heard me gush about my love of the winter season...the dark time of year. One of the many reasons I thrive in the dark is the pull toward reflection. Today I'm reflecting on how much has changed for me in this season of holidaze. (not a misprint). Today I'm reflecting how {yet again} in life I am neither this or that. I'm neither one or the other. I'm the in-between kind of gal, and the more honest I am with myself and my actions, the more I'm good with it.

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Solstice Fire

 Yule Tree

Yule Tree

Today is this unique in-between. A couple of days from my beloved Winter Solstice...the energy I most celebrate during these holiday conundrums. And a couple of day away from the Christmas holiday that I have spent YEARS of my adult life divorcing my familial funded hub-bub...although I've held on to the tree and the stocking stuffed for my kid. (fun fact...the Christmas tree was inspired by the Yule tree...just sayin'. Anyway, today is a weird in-between of what is mine, what was expected of me and the blissed-out freedom I feel by owning the new land of ease I've created around this holiday season by going my own way. I sometimes forget the panic, overwhelm, and chaos that one can feel when they are filling up their time with making memories that are born of tradition.

And then I listen...I listen to hear what is being said between the words...I listen with sacred ears and realize how much I'm missing. And I hear the tender tensions running through the sacred sounds of voices. I hear the swallowing of truths because there doesn't seem time to deal with the mess that truth tends to make. I hear the exhausted depletion of not enough Self care (whatever that is for you) ((I say that because my way of Self care looks a lot like doing too much, but I love me a checked off to-do list)). I hear myself wishing to help ease those threads and so I had a good long talk with myself and we all agreed that why couldn't I offer a guided journey meditation to my people and if you are in overwhelm...may it help make space and energy to get through...may it deepen your connection to your Self. 

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Today is a heavy day for another reason. I said good-bye to the Boxer we have been fostering. He found a home rather quickly and we were on the path of saying yes to adopting him ourselves but the timing we needed to decide didn't quite work for the timing that opened up for him. I fell in love with this boy...my Budders. I am heart broken and walking the mechanics of threshold crossing that I often preach in my circles of sacred space. I have so much I could share that I think would be reflective for you, but for right now I need tend to the feels of this loss. My vision is to circle

back here an share my experience of how to navigate difficult thresholds. For now, I wanna get drunk in how much I love him. I am gonna sit in this container of feeling the loss and hold that with some love today. I shared about him on Instagram if you wanna check that out. There's some good juju in those rambles. 

Without further adeu...I offer you this gift. I hand you the permission slip to carve out 20-30 minutes for yourself and let someone else do the dishes...run to the store...whatever...and receive some good medicine from the elements that make up the sacred space of you. If you are overwhelmed, depleted, or just want it...you need it. 

May your holidaze be that of a memory where you find yourself declaring that it was the most enjoyable one yet! I love you, Nissa

Stories that wake the dead

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This is me, October of 2014. The day after this picture was taken, the event that changed my life happened. When I see this version of me, I am so sad. I miss her. She is gone. I mourn her...grieve her...and often feel lost without her.

She was silently suffering. Living in denial of unhealth. Proudly holding on to fierce independence. I like seeing the delicious secrets held in those eyes. I miss the self-safety I felt in being so unavailable.

I miss this version of me. I look at this picture and see the me I've been trying to restore for the last two years. But, she is no longer alive in me, and I still tell stories of her like she is. This is like waking the dead...keeping dead energy within me alive in story to live decayed and never rest into the great threshold of the death process to find a new evolution of being.

Truth is...it's painful to not change when life brings change. Truth is...sudden change is never sudden. The blackout that shook my safety happened the day after this picture was taken and it was the "sudden" change that made my condition no longer something I could hide or continue avoiding. That sudden change was a good 2 years in the making. Therefore...truth is...I am not a victim to Life's shitty shit...I am a victim of my own poisonous denial and avoidance.

I received a great word medicine from the bull Elk spirit whose hide I worked for my recent drum making circle. He gave me this message, "No one is 'too good' or 'above it'. If it's in front of you, you can deal with it. Self righteous carries a poison of avoidance." The pride I carry in being proud of who I once was is keeping me from being proud of who I am now. To be totally honest, I'm not thrilled of who I am now because I miss the woman I was. I'm not seeing the power in who I am right now versus the power I once had. And to be brutally honest with myself...the bull Elk is right...the pride I feel as poison is using self righteous-rise above it to avoid the truth that this version of me has passed and I'm not being who I am in my story of NOW as fully as I could be to be proud of who I am.

It's time to move on. It's time to Mother the part of me that keeps whining about how I'm not who I was. And I just realized...I'm holding on to this because it's the first time in my life I haven't wanted to move on or forget a past version of myself. Whoa...hell yeah...what a whollop of perspective! Holy shit! Yep...I've always been happy to bury the dead within me and begin again and start a whole new story with a whole new character. What an interesting feeling to actually want myself...even if just a part of me that has died. Whoa. I feel lighter...more understanding of the resistance...and more spacious around the grief I feel for the part of me I need to let die.

"Resistance is the guide."~Nissa

(from the oracle deck I'm creating)

Yeah...so...now what? Well, I hear my inner wise woman pointing me in the direction of my words "it's like waking the dead". The stories I tell myself about the story of this version of me can either be the narrative of the open wounded or the scarred warrior. I have been silently allowing the open wounded narrative be in charge the last few years and it's been painfully disempowering. Truth is...disempowered is place born of limited perspective. Truth is...shift even ONE step out of that line of sight I have a ton of new things to see that will empower me. Truth is...I am never disempowered when I chose to keep moving. 

All this to say...it is not good energy conduct to wake the dead selves. It is not respectful of who I am now, nor who I once was to keep them in a living dead situation within me. It IS beautiful to let what has died, die...to honor it by crossing it over, and giving it back to the great mystery from which it came. It IS empowering to watch it release it's form and return to it's spirit. Past parts of me evolving into spirit guides for my current and future me. And like any psychopomping action, once crossed over, they are limitless possibilities. Why couldn't this version of me I miss so much be elevated to a voice of higher Self? (the answer is the question)

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This is me today. This morning actually. Sitting by my Yule tree with my foster dog, Buddy Junior. This is me...sitting in love and opening to being loved. This is me, moving in the direction of changing with the change. To the me I am today I say...I'm sorry I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry I've been pining for the version of me that died. I'm sorry I've not been seeing your qualities and the beauty you bring to Life. Please forgive me. I love you.

What version of you has died this year? How do you honor it? What have you done with it? What would you like to say to who you are now? I'd love to hear your voice if you feel called to share. Comment below!

Blessed be,

Nissa

Reflecting on 2 years...Owning the truth

2 years ago

broken into...broken open

healing the mind is very different

than healing the body

That was me, 2 years ago. Beginning a journey of recovery that has not fully recovered.

Today's blog is podcast-style. I call them sacred rambles. It's the off-roading communication that often finds me landing on a truth I need to see/feel and embody. Today's sacred ramble landed me on the land of grief, love, owning the sadness of hiding, and uncovering acceptance that rebirth has it's own timeline.

In my current sacred sound circle, we are recording our process and listening to the power of the sacred sound in our voices. In this, a fellow sister, Lena, has voiced that this is also a practice of being heard. The depth of this concept is surfacing in ripples of energy I'm positive are game-changing for how we build the confidence of voice and truth-telling.

It's so easy to keep hiding the things that keep us from inner freedom, forgiveness, and forward motion. It's convenient to tell the stories that keep a dead story alive. It's shit shifting to brave the flames of being heard and speaking the grieving truth. It's one kind of warrioring up to give voice to Self. It's another kind of warrioring up to let yourself be heard. It's the warrioring to soften that can be the most terrifying...because what if...it means we can be loved after all.

In my work, I often find that it's not answers that free us...rather the willingness to accept the unanswerable that flows from our truth that frees us to be whole. In my sharing this sacred ramble with you, I also listened to my words and the truth behind them. I heard myself lamenting through the feels of not giving myself permission for these last 3 years to be the hardship they have truly been. In hearing myself with sacred listening, I can now give myself this truth. It's been hard. I'm still here. I can own it and move out of it now that I can give myself the relief that comes from letting the true story just be what it is. Man...I love the work of being a great mystery housed in this body of a human animal.

When was the last time you really heard yourself? The kind of hearing you extend to a sacred sister, a dear friend, or your child? Tell me...what do you imagine could shift in the listening of your Self when you listen to understand and love? Comment below to be heard.

Much love,

Nissa

Reflecting on the Warrior Queen

Tis' the season of the Watery West, the Cave, and deep reflections born from the changing of an extreme season. Tis' the way of the Wheel of Life. It's what it does. It bring balance through inequality and it shows us there are all kinds of kinds. Part of that balance is the often ass-kicking Cave of the Watery West. Where reflections abound in sometimes frightening ways that can make one feel like they are dying. And part of me is. It's been a slow death, and an even slower rebirth. And I can't say that either have been fully expressed yet. And so both the death and rebirth are still kickin'.

In May of 2015, I "came out" that who I was becoming is a Warrior Queen. An label that explained the expression of the energy that I felt unfurling deep in my soul bones. I could FEEL the woman in me becoming her. I could FEEL the way my clothes would feel differently when I became her. I could FEEL I believed I was on path to her and I believed she was on path to me. I had faith in the vision that the threshold to cross was going to happen winter 2015/2016.

I was WAY off on that one. And that's okay. I have no problem being reminded of the beautiful Life lesson that once I put solid structure around that which I envision, I imprison it. IOW: don't get attached to visions...do follow them around my inner world and let them be free range. (like me, I'm hella free range, so why shouldn't my visions be too?) Anyway, It wasn't until late June of this year...that's right, 2017...that I felt actually rebirthed into the direction of this Warrior Queen within me. I have dreamt here and claimed her as possible long before I actually felt the shift. This season of reflections, cave, and death has really got me thinking about all the stories I tell that aren't her...and really wanting to tell the story that is her. And so, I dug up my original declaration of her and updated it. 

Enjoy.


becoming warrior queen.

the unfathomable laying down of sword and shield becomes a heart-breaking unavoidable happening.

happening deep within.

happening to completion before the mind has the chance to sabotage the change.

then caves up in the soul bones, waiting for the right season to emerge.

leaving a trail of triggered emotional bombs behind her.

becoming warrior queen.

a torturous surrender to the discomfort of shedding the battle worn armor.

fighting death to fight for life.

wishing that she would emerge already and save you from yourself. 

in shock over how hard this actually is...not what was envisioned...how could I be so wrong?

becoming warrior queen.

forging new armor.

a kind of armor that armors up to armor down.

a kind of armor that is open, kind, and fierce.

this is the stuff she's made of.

she deserves it. 

she has fought a long war.

she has earned this promotion.

becoming warrior queen.

with sexy scars and softened eyes.

with fire still raging inside.

she slows down to see more of the world around her.

taking it all in.

for one day, she too, will have lived out her life and another version of woman will rise up just like she did.


No doubt, when the soul shifts and inner transformation begins, one is called forth to walk into the fire of trials and challenges. It isn't easy or clean. However, I'm finding that when I'm just letting it be what it is and I give myself, and the process, permission to be difficult and messy; the simpler the path is. The more space I have to breath within it. The more organic it is...like a wheel of the year...the shifts and changes just happen at their own time outside my deadlines of being the change. There are days I want to scrape my skin from the intensity. There are moments I feel bigger and brighter and more beautiful than ever before. There are weeks flying by that feel lost to memory yet I see how far I've come. And in every moment I'm having to choose, observe, trust, and feel.

It's the feels that make it messy...muddy...bloody...and authentic. But without them, it wouldn't be change!

What does it take to make the warrior the queen? Well, I fully believe it's different for any woman; and maybe sharing mine might shine a light on yours. And by this I mean any change, it doesn't necessarily mean your change is the same as mine...warrior to queen to warrior queen...but if this does tug at your truth, I'd love to hear a poetic voicing over in the comments of this soul note. We are a tribe of whole being belonging to ourselves...in a sacred circle sharing, shedding, shining.

And when I feel the balance of this transformation...when I feel both warrior and queen, I feel like I look like this...

 
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I see the battles fought in my eyes...the wisdom gained, the pain of loosing, the healing of wounds. I see the softness of a present presence, smiling with the compassion of the fragile strength of being human in battle. I see an openness. A woman changing before her very eyes.

"choosing to change with the changes in my Life" 

What is changing within you?

Are you changing with that change?

How can you do so with more consciousness and power and choice?

YOU are sacred space. The great mystery within you is an entire universe. Anything is possible. You just have to choose. 

MUCH LOVE from an this warrior queen,

nissa

GIVE-AWAY! Spiral Path Book of Days.

About a year ago I began using this book. It has been a valuable companion as I've been clawing to rebuild and rebirth myself. I found it to be a cuddly guide that returns me home to myself every new moon. 

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There is an air of ancient goddess rhythm here in this book because it starts on the new moon after Samhain. Come on, now...that totally feeds my witchy heart! I've always felt like THIS time of year in this season of shedding is the time of year that I begin again another path 'round the medicine wheel of life...so having a someplace to show up for my solitary ways that mirrors my own rhythms has rooted me more intimately to my Self this last year. 

Amy Topham of Word Magic Art, along with her co-creators, have woven a well rounded nest of magic from many languages. She brings in tarot, astrology, earth wisdom, and good ol' fashioned wise woman-ing into this book. It is TRULY special. And this year, there are so many changes that have reinvigorated my excitement to dive in again for a deeper spiral around the wheel of the year. 

Basically, I love this book so much I approached Amy about hosting a give-away for it. Now, if you've been traveling life with me for awhile you know I don't give-away much...if at all. But I really feel soul and self nourished by the space this book holds for me and wanted y'all to know it exists.

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Here's how we are gonna roll out this give-away: answer the challenge below. You can answer it on several platforms for multiple entries. The platforms are:

  • in the comments of this blog post
  • comment and tag a friend on my Instagram post that I will be putting out in conjunction with this give-away
  • comment and tag on Amy's Instagram post that corresponds to this give-away
  • on Amy's Facebook page

The challenge is: Describe who you are is 1-5 words. What can you DO this coming year to bring your essence into action?

There will be one book given away in a lottery-style drawing on November 11th. The winner will receive the book in time for the new moon on the 18th. How cool is that!?!?! Check it out and if you aren't the winner, you can order it over HERE.

GOOD LUCK!

Much Love, 
Nissa

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Mother Nature is Triggered!

I'm Vlogging on the Blog today. My sense is that this video could be useful and beneficial to those who aren't in the circle of my email list. So, feel free to share this anywhere you feel called to. 

WARNING: many believe that Native American sacred songs should not be recorded. If you are in agreement to this, please don't watch. I have a different believe and have done exactly that. My desire is to do what is true for me, while making space for known oppositions to choose. If this is you, I still offer a way to engage. Watch until I begin drumming, then stop and use the drum track to go-it alone.

Okay, that being said...the video says all I have to say today. If you plan on experiencing the journey, grab what you need for this kind of thing. 

I don't know much about audio and video, so in case the sound on that sucked, I'm plugging in here a decent drum track for you to try again. Or DO again. If you want to revisit, go deeper, gather more medicine and wisdom more poison, use this track.

The elements in and around us could always stand to have more communication. The prompt is to have the elements of you have a dialogue with the elements of Life: air, earth, fire, water, sacred space.

Take some time to "oracle that shit" and soak up the medicine. I'd love to hear from you in the comments below. 

Have you susbscribed to my email circle yet? Here you go:

Hello, World!

Moonlit Visit with Deer

I woke up at 2-ish am this morning. Mostly because the hubb's was snoring. Partly because my soul knew I needed to be outside. The full moon has finally passed the threshold of all her eclipsed energy & fullest expression...waning ever so slowly and elegantly in the middle-of-the-night summer sky. This full moon was a doozy...was it not? For me, the doozy was truly empowering. I was feeling full of energy...thinking clearly...and had a good 3+ days withOUT head pressure, which means I was completely stable for 3+ days in a row...it was amazing. I am finding that when things are breaking down energetically, culturally, or what-have-you...I feel the elation of thrival. That being said, the letting go of the moon's waning voice also fuels me. The light drawing inward. The turning towards equality of the quarter moon. The reaching for the other side of reflected sight. It's cooler, somehow. Anyway, I was happy to wipe the grumphs of being unable to go back to sleep and spend some time with the moon and a cauldron mug of coffee.

Sitting by my medicine wheel fire pit, swaddled in blanket, and cradling my mug...the moon and I got to chatting. I asked her to tell me how she's feeling, and if she had any news or insight to share. I said my moon-filling spell. As the lunar light filled my being, layers of lil' nasties & gripped stress that is clearly outdated fell away and I let it. Those lil' buggers don't seem to like an expanded open heart very much...they tend to abandon ship and I'm happy to let them. #byebyebye

So...I'm feeling all connected, shifted, and really cool with my bad self. Enjoying the release and the silence in the dark moonlit moment. I hear the familiar crack of a branch that could only be made my the small hoofs of a deer. On the Western side of Oregon, we have Blacktail Deer. They are uber-noctornal, much smaller, and where most deer skadadle, Blacktail will camouflage. (they are a fascinating sub-species of Deer)

My initial reaction to her triggered the animal in me and I quickly sought out the analysis of the sound maker, and in my focus on her, she tensed and quickly sought out the analysis of what that sudden energy shift was. Focused energy to them is felt as a threat...because most of the time, it is...so I quickly shifted back to the moon, the moment, and the expansion. As a huntress, I've learned to practice keeping my energy soft & expanded around them, out of respect & out of the art of strategic hunting. Returning to this state, I welcomed this sweet lil' doe even though I knew she was here to eat on my garden. And it didn't take long for her to mosey her way to the pumpkins growing, not 30 feet from me.

As she munched, I felt the protective nature flare up. "Hey! That's my garden! My food! Food for my family!". And I was about to give some version of an obnoxious "shoo" when the energy of the Velvety Buck who is part of my rattle making kit circle came to me with his soothing and accepting voice and said "you know there is no green grass for her to eat. There is little for her this year. I'll keep her from eating too much, so your plants will still provide. There is enough for both of you."

He continued. "How often do you sit in silent peace with those that you eat and rebirth? How often do you co-exist in communal space with that which you take? Can you just BE with her in peaceful offering and take all of this moment for what it is...a moment to be with a wild one in LIFE...because you already know so well how to be with us in death in a way that honors and allows. Take this moment to do the same with one that is alive."

And so I did.

Velvety Buck kept his word. This lil' doe munched a little on the pumpkins, a little on the pear tree, a little on the plum tree, then meandered back to the sunflower...which was about 10 feet from me. She froze when she saw me. My heart pounding...telling my mind to stay calm and telling my body to keep up the art of expanding & dispersing my energy. 3 or so slow breaths go by and we both soften...as though our energy fields passed each others test and now we can play together. Her ears relax and my heart returns to a normal drum beat...but our eyes are locked. I'd love to tell you a cool story about all the things we talked about...and all the amazing insights she has to share...but the truth is, there was nothing but us in silent mind, open heart, and willing body between us. There was breath and silent knowing that needs no story. There was everything in that nothing...and I'm grateful to have people to share this with.

Thank you for listening...witnessing...and being in my world.

I guess it should be no surprise this happened as I head into the tail end of my online Rattle making circle preparations and kit curating. I am so familiar and ritualized about the death & rebirth of these animals...to bring in this energy exchange with one that is willing to share close space with me in LIFE just opens another door. A door that allows more air flow. A door of feels & sensations telling truths of how much more complicated life is compared to death and grief. LIFE requires more. More expansion. More generosity. More balance...which is rarely equal.

I guess, no, I know I feel magic-ized at this experience and I'm choosing to bring it with me into the container that honors death in rebirth.

As always, my wish is that when I share myself, you are inspired or shifted in some way...that your sacred listening has brought you some inner guidance, truth, or insight in which you are able to make some magic out of it's medicine. I'd love to hear what you heard in my story. Comment below. I invite you to share this story with anyone and anywhere.

If you're new here and it feels like a place you'd like to see again, make sure to subscribe. xoxo

Much love,

Nissa

There are a few kits left...are you coming to this circle?

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How we react to death is how we approach life
— Nissa Howard

Day after Tomorrow...

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Day after tomorrow, I turn 40. Today, in the early morning, I had my Venus return. Now...I'm no astrologer and I'm still trying to understand what all of this means. Fortunately, I have astrologer friends. One of them offered me a birthday astrology reading and this is how I know that this morning Venus returned from her 8 year journey. I'm of the mind I don't need to understand or "know" everything to explore something new and make my own medicine with it. So, I do what I do...create as I go. Kristina gave me enough of the story to point me in the direction of Venus returning...and now I can write MY story and MY truth of what this is. And, as it turns out, it will be created through DOing...exploring...inner worlding...sacred choices...and little movements of Life.

Venus returning feels like a validation of the inner remodel I've been living in rather messily the last year & a half or so. Venus returning 2 days before my 40th birthday feels like a Goddess blessing IN the depths of my body. As if to say, "Hey there love. It's over. You are safe. Let's build the new you". As many of you know, I was unexpectedly & last-minutedly given a ticket to SouLodge Medicine Gathering in June and that was a birth canal portion of a 20 month labor of personal transformation. So...perfect time, yes?

Day after tomorrow I turn 40. I have no fucks to give about the number. It's not about the number. I remember my young mind having observations of women turning 40 and it was if they were setting themselves out to pasture & that life was beginning to end. I am so intrigued by feels around how very opposite I feel now at 40. I actually feel life beginning again. I feel life is possible again. I feel a genuine subtle & powerful new skin of who I am in this body. I give LOTS of fucks about this though. I'm craving to respect it this time. I'm hungry to savor this season of rebirth rather than plough as fast as I can through it. New sensations. Big little shifts.

And, the truth is...it's not a light-switch shift. Like I said...new skin. Same bones. Same stories. Same power. Same triggers. New soul skin is a season of Life as much as skin shedding is a season of life. This is a point on the wheel of Life where one begins again a slightly shifted angle into unpaved land. I feel it like this: I'm walking a path I've mapped out and roughly constructed. I realize that the paths' life force has is out and there's only so much path left. In the wind I smell the smoke from a fire I know is my own. I take 2 steps off & to the right of the path and head in the direction of what I sense is real & warm. The path begins gets further away from me as I map out my current route. And I feel the peace of accepting that this current path will someday be veered off from.

Seems soft & subtle...wise & natural, right? They are...AND these lil' shifts feel huge to me because it wasn't too long ago in my Life story where it was all or nothing. I've lived SO deeply in beginning again being a thrill because it was the cooling aftermath of a holy destruction of "burn it all down". To have my Story of Now be one of "oh...beginning again is a sweet little shift of direction towards those hills that my soul fire is burning..." feels pretty epic.

I wonder what how I will BE in this coming year. I am curious about the ways I'll be crafting who I am from my soul's voice. I feel my heart open more & more as I follow my hunger & not my "vision".

In other news...

Day after tomorrow I'll be celebrating something I haven't really celebrated in YEARS!!! I again have my recently departed stranger-danger sister, Kelly Clark for this. In mourning her loss and feeling the sadness with my sisters who knew her closer, I found myself saying that in some way I would celebrate in her honor. And in keeping to the theme here, I will say that I have been not celebrating my birthday for many reasons. One main one was "I can't do anything big, so I won't do anything at all". My Story of Now is...any movement towards celebrating is big. So, I've been able to cajole two friends to meeting me for coffee on the morning of my birthday. Yeah...nothing big, but big to me. And just a couple steps off the path that has kept me from BEING me. And so, with tremendous gratitude the light Kelly was/is in this world & my life...I'm yet again inspired by her to "be the more" I wish was in the world. That begins with me treating myself as though I deserve it...because I'm beginning to believe I do.

And so it is.

In wholeness, empowerment is center,

Nissa

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20 days to 40

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In 20 days, I'll be 40...

I celebrated the first day of my birthday month by deactivating my Facebook account. I felt fucking GREAT! I feel a spaciousness in my BEing that seems to only come when drastic shedding is implemented. I feel lighter...with a fired-up desire to take better care of my Self.

The last 20 days of this home-stretch to 40 has been nothing short of amazing. Since my last post, I have experienced crazy-good magic...AKA...miracles. A little bit of showing up really does go a long way. In showing up with truthing how I've been hiding & how it's becoming poison, I became accountable for changing with the changes going on within me. I became responsible for DOing something different...and for me that something different is to open, soften, and receive.

Within 4 days of my last post, I was visited by a dear soul sister who was on her way to be a part of Pixie Lighthorses' team for her SouLodge Medicine Gathering. This is an event I've been desiring for over a year. Last fall, before the tickets launced, I declared that I had to be there, and that it would be my 40th gift to myself. I declared that in 2017 I would have to sit in circle as a participant...to retreat with women...to make myself be held, seen, and opened. When her offering of this event went live, not only was I lacking the funds to pay...it sold out in hours. I chalked it up to "not meant to be" and went back to my previously scheduled blah's. Within hours of Cat leaving my home for Pixie's land, I was given the opportunity to say yes to a big receive.

Spoiler Alert:::I almost said "no".

A special woman who made her drum with me is close with a woman who had a ticket for the gathering but couldn't go due to unforeseen circumstances. This woman couldn't get the ticket sold and instead of having it go to waste, was prompted to offer her spot to me. Magical, right? Sounds like a no-brainer, right?

Here's how that went...

Me: "holy crap...is this for real?"

My small-maker: "you can't take something that big...you haven't done anything for this woman".

My inner wisdom: "you belong there. Your magic isn't broken. You asked...now receive".

My resistance: "but I just started this deer hide and I'd have to put it back in the freezer...and I am still not stable enough to drive myself over 3 hours...and what about my sweet Juniper? she isn't done healing...and no-one can do what I do at home....and, and, and, and...

My inner wisdom: "the hide will re-freeze...your family is capable...trust...you belong there...get a ride".

Me: "how do I receive something so big and ask for so much?"

My bones: "you just do."

My truth: "it's time...do it and figure out how along the way".

I treaded carefully for the next several hours with the vision of grace, humility, and sisterhood. It took me HOURS to navigate to a YES. It took me seconds to shift gears after that. I asked for help. I got rides. I let myself be loved & supported by people I know love & support me. I said yes to the magic made by the choices of my Regina to nudge me towards Martha...and to nudge Martha towards me. The magic in Martha's choice to offer and give. To bless and provide. The magic I felt in my heart all week in the sacred meadow as I held Martha's loss of her spot in my heart. Not once taking this lightly or without deep reverence. I was there because she could not. I carried her with me and honored her gift by fully BEing in that meadow...BEing with my edges of opening my heart...BEing in the full discomfort of the shedding calluses of "not enough-ness" that armored my heart...BEing in the release of "okay-ness" even though I still have my limitations. Honoring her gift by going all in and DOing the work. I honored her loss by showing up and taking it all in...sharing it with her in my heart.

And I feel reborn. Finally. After over a year & a half after what I thought was rebirth...I feel reborn. I am grateful and feeling like Life is available again.

Then...  

Two days after coming home from Medicine Gathering, my lil' family and I left for a camping trip we've had planned since winter. No cell service. Lots of land & sea. A brave act of actually going IN the ocean while singing songs of release and saying final good-byes to the death that is dead. Time in nature with family to re-enter as a peace-filled, open hearted me. I am grateful for my life and the magic made in the medicine I make.

SO...

That deer hide will be making his way back out of the freezer today. Transforming him into pieces of medicine to be shipped out by those of you who want to be in my DIY Rattle Making Circle in August. (stay tuned for details)

Re-entry into life rebirthed will be slow, steady & savored.

Celebrating Self the next 20 days as I travel towards 40.

Absorbing the medicine I've made from asking for help...receiving...opening...& becoming.

Gettin' busy one lusciously aware step at a time.

Oh, and Full Moon bone readings next week...get yours before they sell out.

In 20 days, I'll be 40...

Bring it. I'm ready. Life is beginning again...

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