In 20 days, I'll be 40...
I celebrated the first day of my birthday month by deactivating my Facebook account. I felt fucking GREAT! I feel a spaciousness in my BEing that seems to only come when drastic shedding is implemented. I feel lighter...with a fired-up desire to take better care of my Self.
The last 20 days of this home-stretch to 40 has been nothing short of amazing. Since my last post, I have experienced crazy-good magic...AKA...miracles. A little bit of showing up really does go a long way. In showing up with truthing how I've been hiding & how it's becoming poison, I became accountable for changing with the changes going on within me. I became responsible for DOing something different...and for me that something different is to open, soften, and receive.
Within 4 days of my last post, I was visited by a dear soul sister who was on her way to be a part of Pixie Lighthorses' team for her SouLodge Medicine Gathering. This is an event I've been desiring for over a year. Last fall, before the tickets launced, I declared that I had to be there, and that it would be my 40th gift to myself. I declared that in 2017 I would have to sit in circle as a participant...to retreat with women...to make myself be held, seen, and opened. When her offering of this event went live, not only was I lacking the funds to pay...it sold out in hours. I chalked it up to "not meant to be" and went back to my previously scheduled blah's. Within hours of Cat leaving my home for Pixie's land, I was given the opportunity to say yes to a big receive.
Spoiler Alert:::I almost said "no".
A special woman who made her drum with me is close with a woman who had a ticket for the gathering but couldn't go due to unforeseen circumstances. This woman couldn't get the ticket sold and instead of having it go to waste, was prompted to offer her spot to me. Magical, right? Sounds like a no-brainer, right?
Here's how that went...
Me: "holy crap...is this for real?"
My small-maker: "you can't take something that big...you haven't done anything for this woman".
My inner wisdom: "you belong there. Your magic isn't broken. You asked...now receive".
My resistance: "but I just started this deer hide and I'd have to put it back in the freezer...and I am still not stable enough to drive myself over 3 hours...and what about my sweet Juniper? she isn't done healing...and no-one can do what I do at home....and, and, and, and...
My inner wisdom: "the hide will re-freeze...your family is capable...trust...you belong there...get a ride".
Me: "how do I receive something so big and ask for so much?"
My bones: "you just do."
My truth: "it's time...do it and figure out how along the way".
I treaded carefully for the next several hours with the vision of grace, humility, and sisterhood. It took me HOURS to navigate to a YES. It took me seconds to shift gears after that. I asked for help. I got rides. I let myself be loved & supported by people I know love & support me. I said yes to the magic made by the choices of my Regina to nudge me towards Martha...and to nudge Martha towards me. The magic in Martha's choice to offer and give. To bless and provide. The magic I felt in my heart all week in the sacred meadow as I held Martha's loss of her spot in my heart. Not once taking this lightly or without deep reverence. I was there because she could not. I carried her with me and honored her gift by fully BEing in that meadow...BEing with my edges of opening my heart...BEing in the full discomfort of the shedding calluses of "not enough-ness" that armored my heart...BEing in the release of "okay-ness" even though I still have my limitations. Honoring her gift by going all in and DOing the work. I honored her loss by showing up and taking it all in...sharing it with her in my heart.
And I feel reborn. Finally. After over a year & a half after what I thought was rebirth...I feel reborn. I am grateful and feeling like Life is available again.
Two days after coming home from Medicine Gathering, my lil' family and I left for a camping trip we've had planned since winter. No cell service. Lots of land & sea. A brave act of actually going IN the ocean while singing songs of release and saying final good-byes to the death that is dead. Time in nature with family to re-enter as a peace-filled, open hearted me. I am grateful for my life and the magic made in the medicine I make.
That deer hide will be making his way back out of the freezer today. Transforming him into pieces of medicine to be shipped out by those of you who want to be in my DIY Rattle Making Circle in August. (stay tuned for details)
Re-entry into life rebirthed will be slow, steady & savored.
Celebrating Self the next 20 days as I travel towards 40.
Absorbing the medicine I've made from asking for help...receiving...opening...& becoming.
Gettin' busy one lusciously aware step at a time.
Oh, and Full Moon bone readings next week...get yours before they sell out.
In 20 days, I'll be 40...
Bring it. I'm ready. Life is beginning again...