In 40 days, I'll be 40.
I carry echos of thoughts and beliefs that at 40, people have their shit together. From a young age and on up into my early 30's, it seemed to me that people in their 40's were kind of coasting in a sort of ease. They had solidity, and roots, and something about them that looked as though life clicked. And if that is your experience of 40's, well then, I'm truly happy for you and maybe you can share how you were able to manifest that. I would love some opposing perspectives and action steps to alleviate this elephant sitting on my chest.
I do NOT have my shit together. In fact, I have less of my shit together than I did 5...7...10 years ago. I REALLY have less shit together then I did at my young-and-dumb ages of 17...19...22. I do not believe nor can possibly conceive how I will be able to change any of this in the next 40 days. I am so far from having my shit together that I no longer speak the language of shit that is together. I'm on foreign land...again.
I miss that fire of young-and-dumb. AND... I wouldn't go back for a million bucks.
I am sad that I was oh-so very wrong about life working out. AND... I know that as long as I'm still breathing, life is working itself out.
I am amused at the naivety in me when reality meets dreams. AND... I know better.
This is all within me, of course. From the outside looking in, I can see how it appears that I have some, if not all, of my shit together. On paper, I've got a lot of the same things those others had at 40. I wonder if they too felt this falling apart inside. I wonder if that in the time of life lived to 40, one attains certain external factors that we, as a culture, agree on to establish "having it all together". While the internal forces that make up "who I am" is in complete dismemberment and war. The cool thing about 40 here is that by this time, I've lived enough life to know I don't have to react to every. fucking. thing. I love the sense of freedom I have to just BE in this hot mess and wait.
For the last few years I've felt this shift of 40. And I've coined it "the adult adolescence". My perspective of life as a whole has drastically shifted in a very short amount of time. The foundation of how I see myself got blown up with a bomb and I still haven't found all the bodies. Do you remember adolescence? Those powerful thundering years of massive, chaotic change that felt out of control. Yep, that's what 40 is feeling like to me. It's playing out differently because I am different. But the feelers are the same. The emotions are of familiar intensity. Again...what I love about 40, is I am not as reactive and it's not the first time navigating these storms so I'm not as mind-fucked about it. There is a delicious rooting into the narrative of "yeah...this is a turbulent wave and I have a better chance of getting through it if I relax and let it take me where it goes. I can and will re-calibrate my bearings wherever I land". This is a story of now I seem to find myself a lot these days. And it's a much more balanced and equal-footed place to BE from compared to my first adolescence.
So, for that last year and a half I have been hiding on a large scale. Not out of fear. Rather...out of desire to pay more attention to what is going on inside. Hiding with wait. Hiding to feel the soothing sanity of solitude. There are a precious few (you know who you are) that have seen this hot mess of me, and I'm so grateful for their love, patience, understanding and ass-smacks.
And now, I'm sensing the fear in my that I'm dangerously close to that threshold where hiding as medicine turns into hiding as poison. I wonder, does 40 have something to do with this? Just like the first adolescence, it's season wanes and different season begins. And it seems to me that when what is Life's medicine is on the edge of becoming poison, it's a good time to change actions to keep the dose a medicine.
I own and acknowledge that I've been doing the bare-minimum this past year and a half. I own that this is what I've needed. It's been my way to process privately in my hide-a-way cave.
It may be time to change those actions to maintain my cave lifestyle as medicine. I love this lifestyle enough to keep mindful awareness of it's health. In 40 days, I'll be 40. Maybe you'll be seeing more of me as I explore this topic over the next 40 days. Or maybe sharing more than just my offerings will prove to be the contrast that tells me I'm still not ready. Or maybe something else. All I know to do is what is true for me. And one truth I can't escape is that I'll be 40 in 40 days.
Let the journey begin...
May it PLEASE bring me the health and clarity to finally bring all the creations I have in me to you all and many more. There are SO many wonderful experiences I want to guide you through. So much work in me that wants to be lived out. May 40 PLEASE be the mile marker that brings life back to my Life.
Is there a medicine in your life that is dangerously on the edge of becoming a poison? How do YOU recognize it and navigate the shift in dosage? I'd love to hear your truth if you have one aching to be heard.