Day after tomorrow, I turn 40. Today, in the early morning, I had my Venus return. Now...I'm no astrologer and I'm still trying to understand what all of this means. Fortunately, I have astrologer friends. One of them offered me a birthday astrology reading and this is how I know that this morning Venus returned from her 8 year journey. I'm of the mind I don't need to understand or "know" everything to explore something new and make my own medicine with it. So, I do what I do...create as I go. Kristina gave me enough of the story to point me in the direction of Venus returning...and now I can write MY story and MY truth of what this is. And, as it turns out, it will be created through DOing...exploring...inner worlding...sacred choices...and little movements of Life.
Venus returning feels like a validation of the inner remodel I've been living in rather messily the last year & a half or so. Venus returning 2 days before my 40th birthday feels like a Goddess blessing IN the depths of my body. As if to say, "Hey there love. It's over. You are safe. Let's build the new you". As many of you know, I was unexpectedly & last-minutedly given a ticket to SouLodge Medicine Gathering in June and that was a birth canal portion of a 20 month labor of personal transformation. So...perfect time, yes?
Day after tomorrow I turn 40. I have no fucks to give about the number. It's not about the number. I remember my young mind having observations of women turning 40 and it was if they were setting themselves out to pasture & that life was beginning to end. I am so intrigued by feels around how very opposite I feel now at 40. I actually feel life beginning again. I feel life is possible again. I feel a genuine subtle & powerful new skin of who I am in this body. I give LOTS of fucks about this though. I'm craving to respect it this time. I'm hungry to savor this season of rebirth rather than plough as fast as I can through it. New sensations. Big little shifts.
And, the truth is...it's not a light-switch shift. Like I said...new skin. Same bones. Same stories. Same power. Same triggers. New soul skin is a season of Life as much as skin shedding is a season of life. This is a point on the wheel of Life where one begins again a slightly shifted angle into unpaved land. I feel it like this: I'm walking a path I've mapped out and roughly constructed. I realize that the paths' life force has is out and there's only so much path left. In the wind I smell the smoke from a fire I know is my own. I take 2 steps off & to the right of the path and head in the direction of what I sense is real & warm. The path begins gets further away from me as I map out my current route. And I feel the peace of accepting that this current path will someday be veered off from.
Seems soft & subtle...wise & natural, right? They are...AND these lil' shifts feel huge to me because it wasn't too long ago in my Life story where it was all or nothing. I've lived SO deeply in beginning again being a thrill because it was the cooling aftermath of a holy destruction of "burn it all down". To have my Story of Now be one of "oh...beginning again is a sweet little shift of direction towards those hills that my soul fire is burning..." feels pretty epic.
I wonder what how I will BE in this coming year. I am curious about the ways I'll be crafting who I am from my soul's voice. I feel my heart open more & more as I follow my hunger & not my "vision".
In other news...
Day after tomorrow I'll be celebrating something I haven't really celebrated in YEARS!!! I again have my recently departed stranger-danger sister, Kelly Clark for this. In mourning her loss and feeling the sadness with my sisters who knew her closer, I found myself saying that in some way I would celebrate in her honor. And in keeping to the theme here, I will say that I have been not celebrating my birthday for many reasons. One main one was "I can't do anything big, so I won't do anything at all". My Story of Now is...any movement towards celebrating is big. So, I've been able to cajole two friends to meeting me for coffee on the morning of my birthday. Yeah...nothing big, but big to me. And just a couple steps off the path that has kept me from BEING me. And so, with tremendous gratitude the light Kelly was/is in this world & my life...I'm yet again inspired by her to "be the more" I wish was in the world. That begins with me treating myself as though I deserve it...because I'm beginning to believe I do.
And so it is.
In wholeness, empowerment is center,