Stories on repeat
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Sometimes I get disconnected from my whole Soul Self when I'm lost in the tangled mess of the stories I tell myself. The vast majority of these stories aren't even true in the now of my life. Sure...they have shaped to some degree my now and who I am now. Sure...they have played their part in molding my perspective due to the experiences that created the stories. And, sure...without those experiences and subsequent stories I wouldn't have my wisdom my medicine, my path.
But this is not how they are being told to myself.
I notice that the stories I tell myself are on repeat. All. The. Fucking. Time. And they are without an ending...seemingly stuck in the middle with detailed fear of the same stuff over and over. There is no room nor life energy for my stories to transform into sacred stories when they are on repeat. I want to tell my sacred stories, not my scared stories.
Stories on repeat.
They drum to the same numbing loud beat. Focused on that one message or lesson within the pain or fear of each story. Raising a flag of that message up high so all the inner troops can rally around to join in the mantra of that story, making it louder to keep me safe. To move me away. To go it alone. To prove something. To create. To hide. I am not actually safe. Broken trust. Not good enough.
Excuses are heavy to carry after awhile.
Every one of my stories has their own reasons for being on repeat. And these reasons matter. I need to understand them in order to own the wisdom hidden in the heart of my stories. The reasons for the story is like a road map to understanding myself. But, it's having my stories on repeat that has me held hostage in the past...before road maps were invented. It's the repeat that keeps my cells from feeling and allowing love. It's the repeat that has me lost and unclear. It's the repeat that keeps my stories from being the sacred wisdom keepers I believe they are meant to be.
I WANT them to be sacred wisdom keepers of my life.
I want to understand my stories and the reasons behind them so I can give myself a fucking break. Be free. Think for myself with what is in front of me. I want to understand the reasons behind my stories so I can excavate the sacred out of the scared. Get it out in the open to breathe...move...
I want to honor the triumph in my stories. It seems that I'm forgetting to tell this part of the story to myself. For the stories on repeat don't seem capable nor willing to even consider triumph. Because triumph ends a story, doesn't it? If there is triumph, success or happily ever after (which I think is bleeecckkkch) then the scared in the story dies and is reborn as sacred. Wisdom. Freedom. Movement out of the past and into what's true NOW.
And ooooh, how my mind gets addicted to pain....to stories...to repeat...binge watching it like I binge watched Vikings....couldn't stop until there was no more episodes left.
Triumph ends the story.
Ugly truths lie within the shadows of my stories. Avoiding the ugly truths is keeping the story on repeat. All I require is the choice to DO the listening that brings me understanding, to validate my reasons, to love the past-me that played her part in the story. My thought is this is easier to do when I'm butt-naked honest with my ugly truths. I should air quote the ugly in ugly truth because when I see my ugly truths they are beautiful to me. Seeing them is like having a spotlight turned on in the darkness of dungeon-dwelling wounded-ness. They may not be pretty, but they are beautiful to me.
I want to free my-selves from the past to be; here....now...with me...a part of the wholeness that makes up the sacred space of me. If I were to show the past-me's myself and my life as it is right now, I think they would think I'm a fucking rock star. I think they would see my life as incredibly blessed with loads of safety and love with the people who matter. I think they would see love....adoration...power...and purpose. I think they'd see the triumph that would transform them from scared stories to sacred stories.
This sounds pretty wonderfully bad-ass to me. #trailblazingwholness #sacredindividualist #soulcraft
What, if anything, came up for you?