Tomorrow, Wednesday, is the day of my surgery. To many, surgery isn't a big deal and I admit in the bigger picture it probably isn't. For me in my wildish nature it's more than a procedure and the stories behind it are not important to me. I know and understand why this is triggering so much trauma and more importantly I know and understand why it's imperative that I walk each step with sacred intention and sacred energy in order to change the plot of those old stories and write a new book of my life. That all being said, there is some deep and transformative work going on that doesn't really look very pretty, and yet I feel fucking beautiful and alive in my raw, vulnerable and honest state. I want to spend my time today writing this out in and sharing my process with you in lieu of feeling disconnected, sacred and alone. Here's my tarot reading for today, which lead to the following stream of consciousness::
To me this surgery feels like an execution. Can I please just lay upon the OR table the parts of me I want to die? The voice of comparison and jealousy? The straight jacket of small-making? The demon that attempts to seduce me to give up on my dreams? Can't I just give these up to the executioner of surgery in the ritual I am undergoing with this procedure? So much of me is like "hell yeah! Kill them!!!"
Today, as I am a day away, I wonder...rather than killing these parts of ME, how 'bout I honor this metaphorical feeling of execution and execute the agreements and old stories that are fueling these parts of me and take back my power that has been misdirected by these agreements? And it's something else...the sense of execution is strongly filled with parts of me. This sense of execution seems to be adamant about the feeling of a part of me is being executed but I can't seem to fully grab it. I can mechanically list off several aspects that make sense to be on the chopping block...or that I want to have killed off. Thing is, what is true and bigger than this is that if feels a little fake, or trite to look at this concept and be all "of course! It's the less-than, scarcity, comparison, small-making that is being executed" because these things are always being laid to rest in me these days.
Is it that I've laid them to rest and I'm still mourning them?
Is it that I'm mourning and laying to rest another particle of the structure of these things, thereby always feeling like I'm ready to kill off yet another round of the same thing?
Is it that all can be true? And that an unknown can also be true and not need to be known to still go through this with honor and grace?
An unknown of what is being executed...like an undeclared declaration that I won't know what's being executed until after it's over. This incites some crazy-ass mind fuckery born of thinking-mind-triggers, carelessness, and need for control. (**holy truth bomb**). And yet...this idea of not knowing what will be executed tomorrow sings a song of relief and ease in my bones...as I track this to where it comes from I find my faith...golden and glowing...waiting for me to remember it's medicine. I hear in this "the not knowing allows me to BE in the great mystery".
All of a sudden, I see myself as a sacred circle of sisterhood...each one in the circle has their own way, their own voice, their own needs. Each of these represents an aspect of me in this vision...even the small-making that I'm so eager and willing to kill off. As a holder of such circles I know the power and sacred movement that unfolds when all are seen, heard, honored, and allowed. A perfect example of how to treat myself as I am on fire with many inner voices today. I claim and belief that I am sacred space...that YOU are sacred space...and as I hold sacred space for outside of me can also be held with the same integrity inside of me. As a holder of sacred space I observe and adjust the energy of the container as needed. As a holder of sacred space I stand for all truths to be honored, and create room for opposing truths to be true as opposites and still occupy a common room. As a holder of sacred space my job is to see, hear, honor, and allow ALL voices and expressions. Therefore, I can do the same for me right now, right? Yeah...duh...of course I can apply this to how I treat myself in this tender and terrifyied moment. Right now, in this moment, I can use this a-ha magic opening to make space for both the intentional knowing of what is dying in this execution as well as the knowing that a part of me can't be known until after it's over.
To honor the part of me holding the docket of who/what is being executed, I see and acknowledge that list. I see on there the small-maker, the envious comparisons, the quitter...and I acknowledge that it will most likely just be a part of these things...that these too are things humans feel, so it doesn't mean I failed the kill if they show up again...that it may take more than one death to end them. This feels intense. Scary. Hot.
To honor the great mystery part of me that tempts me to release the need to know what will be executed tomorrow in surgery, I acknowledge that stepping out of the rigid regime of control and expectation, the source of the thing that keeps evading my consciousness will die and I will become subtly changed via my essence...and this isn't something I can plan for, expect, or explain...it is only something I can feel and be.
To honor my role as space holder, I see, hear, honor, and allow all of this and create a safe container for my truths within myself. As I listen with my sacred ears, I hear the list maker of knowing and control settle and cool down because it seems to be eating the possibility that it's not their essence that will be executed...but the agreements to the old stories they have been acting out. And this is where it can embrace the great mystery of not knowing. Connecting the great mystery part of me to the list maker moves it to focus on the positive outcome to the task at hand...ie...an intentional, ceremonial, blessed execution of the agreed upon agreements.
Is your head spinning? Mine is too. This is all taken from my journey journal this morning. Instead of edits and filters and re-writes, I am choosing to go all out stream of consciousness.
I honor all sides. I am scared. I am hopeful. I am sad and grieving the trauma story agreement that is being executed tomorrow. I am excited to create a new story of victory over paralyzing trauma and powerlessness. I am angry that my strong and capable body couldn't fix itself. I am curious about the beautiful and clear ME that I feel awaiting me as a spirit guide while I travel through the scary parts. I'm terrified by the needles that will violate my body. I am curious about having a needle enter me without triggering trauma. Here's to victory...
I have faith that who I'll be on the other side of this will be someone I am happily at home with.
I love you...thank you for being in my world...
PS. I honestly don't think I could be standing on this cliff today with the strength and love and wholeness I feel without the love, support, and sisterhood of some very special women. Jill Doneen Clifton...thank you for your Body Wisdom sessions that have brought much needed stability and pathways to do this well. And thank you for giving my soul a place to hang out while I'm under anesthesia. Regina Viars...the EFT session with you opened the door for me to reclaim so much of my present power and story of now, I am so grateful for your heart. Catherine Beerda-Basso...thank you for opening the virtual space of love warriors who are filling me with the juju to feel ready, held, loved and supported. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone in the physical world...or the spiritual world. I have some big guns behind me and I'm glad you smack my ass in remembering that when I can't seem to see them. These women have stepped up for me BIG time on their own accord with their heart leading the way and I am deeply grateful. THANK YOU! Then there are my reiki warriors, my prayer senders, my love and lighters, my void creators...you know who you are and I feel you. Thank you for your time, talent, and light.
I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY LIFE! A-ho!