Humaning can be rough. And if you are reading this, chances are you are of clan "seeker". By this I mean, you (and I) have a tangible knowing that there is more to life...more than what can be seen or experienced with the senses...more than anything that can be explained. A great mystery so great it still can't be grasped after thousands of years of two-legged animals with grandiose intellect trying to understand it. A great mystery so great that it is constantly growing and evolving...expanding it's edges and consciousness and possibility.
I believe that "as above, so below". What is happening out is happening within. What is happening within is happening out.
Humaning can be rough. And yet, I am made up of great mystery. I am a particle of the outer great mystery. In a sense, I feel timeless, limitless, boundless, and burst-out-of-my-skin free....all compacted into a tiny human form. A form that feels all the feels. Humaning requires I conjure that state of expanded, blissed out, spiritual freedom if I am to feel it. It is up to me, and my conscious awareness to check in with the great mystery in my every day choices in order to gather this spiritual state of awesome-sauce feelers. Whereas, the great mystery that my inner great mystery is connected to; has a natural state of being timeless, limitless, boundless, and in constant expansion. This is the outer great mystery's (creator, universe, God, whatever you want to call it) default state and maybe it has to remember to check in with me to find out how I'm humaning in order for it to learn and gather my thoughts, feelings, beliefs in order to keep on expanding. See....the way I see it is, the great mystery within and the great mystery of the universe need each other. One cannot exist without the other. The outer great mystery needs my human experience to keep "expanding"...and my inner great mystery needs the expanding to move through the humaning. And maybe the umbilical cord between the two is my human awareness and human freedom to choose where I put my awareness.
Humaning can be rough. Feeling big, powerful, magical, and supported comes with a big, powerful, magical feeling...which can often be misread and misunderstood as "too much"... or overwhelm...or painful. I have been experiencing this of late. I have decided that my life is awesome...I have decided to breathe from a place of gratitude for my life. In this tiny shift of being I have opened myself up to receiving support, love, sisterhood, and healing. I have given myself permission to feel what is felt and do the work of alchemizing what isn't of love, wholeness, and truth. What feels so nourishing and comforting to the power within me (my inner great mystery) can often feel like hot pokers of pain to my human humaning. I am noticing that the fear and anxiety I feel as I near my surgery is the same intensity as the love and support I feel from those who are gathering around me in support and sisterhood. I notice how my body...the earth in my body...rumbles and shakes the same what with both of these opposing feelers. I notice that this is very intriguing to me...how can fear and love exist in the same place? What if the structure I've built to bring balance and understanding to my inner world is now an illusion and I am in fact free-floating with only my awareness choices to root me?
Humaning can be rough. Humaning can be easy. Hey, if fear and love can be the same shake and tumble in me, why not rough and easy? Heheehe. Seriously though, isn't it interesting that big, powerful, magical expansion can register in the body the same as fear, anxiety, rage, and insecurity. This baffles me...but in that curious, child-like way. In every heartbeat, I explore and question....digest and reflect. This also gives me hope...hope that there is a simpler, more free way to feel...hope that all the structures I've built around my emotions are lies that I can burn away and make space inside for no longer shaming the way I feel.
How I human is up to me. (and you) If the feelers all feel the same within the earth of my body, and it's only my awareness and choices that express them as different...then maybe wholeness is the only absolute in the great mystery of me, my life, and the universe. From the perspective of awareness and choices, I keep coming back to the HOW I move forward as a whole entity. I keep questioning as a divining rod...does this feel centered, am I expanding or contracting, does this feed my feeling of being the sacred space that I know I am? The HOW I go forward is where action is so important to me. Sacred action. Actions that return my energy back to wholeness.
hmmmmmmm...things that make you go, hmmmmmmm
What are your thoughts? Have you ever felt this sliver of thought? Am I completely nuts in your eyes? I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.
Big love, Nissa