Really! The cauldron of creativity has been stirring, the cackles of creation were echoing through my cave...filling up the darkness with life and excitement. For weeks I've been transforming a soul craft program into an online format and I was ready to come out of my cave and offer this to the world. I was and still am, very excited about where this program is going...it's just not going the way I had originally thought. See, the online platform I'd been working on wasn't upfront about how they deliver the product and when I recently found out that anyone who would purchase this program would then be email harrassed by this company. That is a deal breaker for me. This company was also not very clear about their fee structure and it was quickly becoming a situation of who really owns my stuff? Deal breaker number 2. Now what?
In the meantime....
Mask flare-up number 1: "I put it out there that this would be offered this week...shit...I'm gonna look like a flaky idiot who can't deliver."
Mask flare-up number 2: "This is what you get for relying on an outside source. You can't trust anyone."
Mask flare up number 3: "It's probably not that good anyway, and that is why it didn't work out. It's not meant to be 'out there' "
What is behind those masks...
Behind mask number 1 is the memory of a childhood riddled with expectations of perfection and judgment of people who are free-spirited. (BTW, I'm a free spirit)
Behind mask number 2 is a fucking list of people and situations that have validated a plethora of reasons trust isn't a "play well with others" activity. Some of these people and situations are not so distant in memory...this year in fact.
Behind mask number 3 (anyone else feeling like this is a game show?!?!) is quite simply the woundedness of failing.
The medicine I'm taking...
#1: I AM a creative free spirit who is passionate about creating something that comes from my soul and that doesn't have a concrete "look". Being free allows me to say "no" even mid-stream...because the price of going forward and it not feeling right is to high. The price of humble pie is MUCH more affordable.
#2: Trusting myself first gives me the fortitude to keep trusting others regardless of the wounds. Trusting myself and my path and my choices reminds me that everyone is in their own journey of mistakes and that the situation that created the mistrust could have just been a bad day on there part. It doesn't feed my soul to hold it against them for a possible bad day or poor judgment in the moment. We are all trying our best at this human thing. Trust & compassion for myself gives me what I need to have trust & compassion for others.
#3: It feels so fucking good to create, to follow inspirations, to build upon the breath of ideas. THIS is what matters...begin again, and again, and again.
I'm slinking back into that luscious shadowy cave that holds me like the Mother my heart craves for. I realized this morning during the inner world exploration I've shared with you here, is that the cave is such a natural state for me. I am strongest, happiest, and most creative when I'm in here. What if this is my authentic state? And what if I don't have to leave to be successful and "out there"? What if I am the cave, my fire glowing from the center...guiding those to me that seek the warmth and the rest and the magic that lies in The Cave? What if?
What does this mean for my program? My mind thinks it means that there are lots of options to explore and to keep it simple. My heart feels open and sad and ready to tell me of the revisions it wants to make to the program. My soul knows that all is as it should be. This isn't a set back. This is a change of direction that takes us to a more beautiful place.
I'd love to hear from you!
What kind of program formats would you like to see? Full PDF with whole program, links, videos, audios, etc. that you can do at your own pace? A more live, interactive format with live video chats and such? Do you prefer in-person only learning? Or something else? Does it matter?
Love who you are, warts and all!