So...why do I need permission?

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Ask for the weird and impossible~Danielle LaPorte #desiremap

I heard her say this on a podcast today and it has stopped me in my tracks. I have SO many weird and impossible things I want to CREATE in my life, and having her say this makes me feel like I have permission. Really? I needed permisssion....please. Look out dreams, I'm coming for you. I'm asking for you. I'm asking for you to say  YES to these Wild Inner World oracle cards,and ebooks, and E-courses! I'm asking for you to be born and have a life of your own that I can nurture and love and grow with. I'm asking to feel sexy, joy, and magical. I'm asking to have my soul craft circles grow and multiply, because I already see the magic in them. I'm asking myself to say YES back to these dreams.

So...why do I need permission?

What makes me think I can do it all by my self? Why is it so hard to ask for help? And trust?

I'm a smidge annoyed with myself that I these lil' questions are of my own resistance standing in my own way of what is a simple (not easy) concoction of human awesomeness! Is there a quick fix? Maybe. I'm sure I could force myself to think a more positive thought or feel a more positive feeling and ignore this permission needing, stubbornly independent resistance for the little bugger.  But ya know what? These qualities have merit too and I want to explore the concept of moving forward, past this wall with the beneficial qualities of needing permission and being stubbornly independent. And I feel like for me to do that I need to give these obstacle builders some space to self reflect on how they can go with me through this resistance and be helpful during the process.  Oh, yeah....this is new and different and exciting.

Need for permission: where it may create a huge "holding back" energy in my life, it also keeps my focus in check. If I never needed permission to make one choice or the other I would really walk my shit all over the place. And this doesn't feel like happy-making in my heart.  I need this permission needing mechanism to help feel out which is the right choice. What makes this poison for me is when I am seeking the permission outside myself in other people, community structures, and other traps humans create. What makes this medicine for me is when I'm asking my soul purpose for permission to go one way or another, take that class or another, create this product or another. Yeah...this feels so much lighter and spacious to me.  It's like positive reinforcing the qualities I want to use from this mechanism. And it already feels so much more positive and motivating, and I don't feel like I had to cut out a part of myself.  It reminds me of how I try to parent. I see my daughters "problems", I acknowledge they are there and am aware of them. But I choose to tell her every day what is powerful, beautiful, and amazing about her. She is more of the stuff I positively reinforce than she is the stuff that can be destructive. Yeah, I'm diggin' this idea.

And I'm gonna keep diggin' on this for while, then move on to the stubbornly independent piece. I need some more time in this permission piece. I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime; did this pull a trigger for you? Do you like this? Do you disagree? All voices welcome to be just one part of a greater conversation that is the conversation of discovering your own truth, path, and purpose. Please forward, share, like, and comment if you have the impulse to connect to this.

Is there a wall/obstacle/resistance in your life that could use some wholistic looking at and seen for it's positive qualities? My wish is that in my vulnerable authenticity, it gives YOU permission to be that as well.

Dig deep. Own up. Be true to you.

Let the mind think. Let the heart feel. Let the soul choose.

Blessed be! Nissa

My other...

I met my other at a rock concert. Me: in a naughty schoolgirl mini skirt and ready to get a bit crazy.  Him: dragged there by his sister-in-law and ready to slink into the walls.  The moment we saw each other: soul collision.  I blinked my eyes in slow motion and a flash of light went off in my head.  When I opened my eyes that dark music hall was atwitter with sparkles all around him.  The music went to the background.  I welcomed his eyes into my heart. For him, the music stopped all together, all he saw was me, all we wanted to see was me.  I didn't believe in my heart until then.  He didn't start living until then.

The rest of the night was a primal soul conversation of magnetic honesty.  We saw each other, plain and simple.  There was an other-worldy understanding of what we say in each other.  Authentic and brutally different than anything we’d known before.  The polarity of who we are as individuals filled in each other's blank spaces.  Life finally had a home.

Our first official date was within a week.  Engaged within 5 months.  Married now for 9 years.

Me: could do without the marriage thing.  Would be with him just because. We had to elope privately for  me to go through with it.  Him: always wanted to be married and couldn’t wait to have a ring on his finger.  What he’s learned from me about love: to feel love takes courage and self-exploration. What I learned from him about love: he was willing to take my name because it isn’t about man vs. woman to him, it’s about being one.  (with that, I proudly took his name)

This oneness has been the premise of our entire relationship.  Oneness is wholeness when both parties are who they are in harmony with the other. Harmony is not exempt nor independent of conflict. Harmony, however, does require respecting the other as a whole being separate from you.  I am in love with the fact that we do this for each other.  Our oneness is not at all contingent on us being the same.  In fact, our oneness thrives on us being different.

We’ve had epic brawls.  We’ve wounded each other.  It’s been bloody and messy, like a tornado tore through the village of our relationship.  I’ve said “I’m like an elk who migrates when the land is no longer nourishing”.  He’s replied with “no matter where you migrate to, that land is still me”.  I not only fell in love with, but continue to be in love with a partner who believes in us as a whole one.  This is a strength and a quality I respect so much it makes me melt with desire to be his...and him to be mine.

I drive him crazy with my fiery quick wit and passionate intensity.  He infuriates me with needing to think so long about how he feels.  I make him gut laugh so hard he cries and hugs me in appreciation.  He makes me feel like a Goddess because he puts my needs and wishes before his.  He can’t stand how my creative soul dances across the spectrum of things to do.  I want to punch him for trying to fix my problems.  I make him feel like a valuable man by telling him how proud of him I am.  He fills me up by believing in me.  It’s simple, we see each other as flawed, perfect, and whole.  We see our relationship as flawed, perfect, and whole.

He is a divine masculine who serves me because it makes him happy to see me feel beautifully pampered.  I am a divine feminine who feeds him with gratitude and purpose.  We are whole in our individual selves and whole in our oneness.  And we keep choosing each other.

It is Winter Solstice, the return of the sun...the return of all the masculine energy that comes with the sun.  As I'm stirring the cosmic waves of the Solstice this year my heart has flooded with gratitude for this man in my life.  He embodies the beauty, service, and power of the divine masculine.  I appreciate his BEing all that he is.  I believe that we need to honor the man/men who provide this earth the qualities masculine.  I offer a holla' out to all the good men out there who are wild, who are warriors at heart, who dare to brave the unjust world without violence in order to remain here and love their women.  The mystery of the Man is to be seen and allowed, not refined and corralled.  Welcome back, powerful masculine sun energy.  May this year be a year of healing and hearing our good Men.

I thought I was coming out of my cave...

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Really!  The cauldron of creativity has been stirring, the cackles of creation were echoing through my cave...filling up the darkness with life and excitement.  For weeks I've been transforming a soul craft program into an online format and I was ready to come out of my cave and offer this to the world.  I was and still am, very excited  about where this program is going...it's just not going the way I had originally thought.  See, the online platform I'd been working on wasn't upfront about how they deliver the product and when I recently found out that anyone who would purchase this program would then be email harrassed by this company.  That is a deal breaker for me.  This company was also not very clear about their fee structure and it was quickly becoming a situation of who really owns my stuff?  Deal breaker number 2.  Now what?

In the meantime....

Mask flare-up number 1: "I put it out there that this would be offered this week...shit...I'm gonna look like a flaky idiot who can't deliver."

Mask flare-up number 2:  "This is what you get for relying on an outside source.  You can't trust anyone."

Mask flare up number 3:  "It's probably not that good anyway, and that is why it didn't work out. It's not meant to be 'out there' "

What is behind those masks...

Behind mask number 1 is the memory of a childhood riddled with expectations of perfection and judgment of people who are free-spirited. (BTW, I'm a free spirit)

Behind mask number 2 is a fucking list of people and situations that have validated a plethora of reasons trust isn't a "play well with others" activity.  Some of these people and situations are not so distant in memory...this year in fact.

Behind mask number 3 (anyone else feeling like this is a game show?!?!) is quite simply the woundedness of failing.

The medicine I'm taking...

#1: I AM a creative free spirit who is passionate about creating something that comes from my soul and that doesn't have a concrete "look".  Being free allows me to say "no" even mid-stream...because the price of going forward and it not feeling right is to high.  The price of humble pie is MUCH more affordable.

#2: Trusting myself first gives me the fortitude to keep trusting others regardless of the wounds. Trusting myself and my path and my choices reminds me that everyone is in their own journey of mistakes and that the situation that created the mistrust could have just been a bad day on there part.  It doesn't feed my soul to hold it against them for a possible bad day or poor judgment in the moment.  We are all trying our best at this human thing.  Trust & compassion for myself gives me what I need to have trust & compassion for others.

#3: It feels so fucking good to create, to follow inspirations, to build upon the breath of ideas.  THIS is what matters...begin again, and again, and again.

What now?

I'm slinking back into that luscious shadowy cave that holds me like the Mother my heart craves for.  I realized this morning during the inner world exploration I've shared with you here, is that the cave is such a natural state for me. I am strongest, happiest, and most creative when I'm in here.  What if this is my authentic state?  And what if I don't have to leave to be successful and "out there"? What if I am the cave, my fire glowing from the center...guiding those to me that seek the warmth and the rest and the magic that lies in The Cave?  What if?

What does this mean for my program?  My mind thinks it means that there are lots of options to explore and to keep it simple.  My heart feels open and sad and ready to tell me of the revisions it wants to make to the program.  My soul knows that all is as it should be. This isn't a set back.  This is a change of direction that takes us to a more beautiful place.

I'd love to hear from you!

What kind of program formats would you like to see?  Full PDF with whole program, links, videos, audios, etc. that you can do at your own pace?  A more live, interactive format with live video chats and such?  Do you prefer in-person only learning?  Or something else?   Does it matter?

Love who you are, warts and all!

 

Unclear, But Moving Forward

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Again, another month without a video.  This morning I decided to stop whiny inside my head about not being in a place to do a video. and just write instead.  And trust me, I'm doing you a favor...

It's not pretty around here right now.

My superman is healing well, grumpy as hell, soul searching his shit, and to my elation he his becoming even MORE of a superman to me. It's like his body being broken has set free his inner vision, and will all our time together lately I'm seeing how strong and wise and wonderful he really is.  Consequently, I'm pulling triple duty so, oh man...the bags under my eyes are really not camera friendly right now!

In an effort to bolster our finaces while he's out of work I drug out an elk hide and began fleshing, scraping, soaking, loving, and creating sacred sound makers.  Yep, it's a bit stinky but it is deeply creative to birth a sacred item. If you are interested in one, contact me. (Pictures of the curing process are the featured image!)

Oh, and homeschool started this week...so, yeah, no video right now.

And now, here's the gritty stuff.  I am in that itchy, scratchy, jittery state of transformation.  I am really feeling the snake in myself as it sheds skin. (and of course I found a full snake skin the other day in my wood pile) I have been feeling all year that Inquire Within isn't it anymore.  That I need to rebirth my purpose under a new name, a new path, new boundaries and I desire so deeply the clarity to do this all. I've journey, meditated, and prayed and the messages or insights I get are definitely what I need to hear...just not the easy "to do list" of clarity I was wanting to hear.

I'm unclear how to, but I'm still moving forward.

I cannot paint the picture yet of what this will look like.  I only smell the excitement of aligning my actions with my feelings.  And I feel the weight of the old skin as an intense burn of motivation to get it done.  This month I will be recreating a new website under my new working name and at some point be able to announce it's arrival to you.  I will be diggin' deep to locate the direction that feels amazing in my bones and honestly look at what I want to do.

I have visions and feelings of holding the space for women to gather and soul craft.

I feel this so deeply that I am kinda confused as to why it's not happening yet.  And frustrated about it too, which only makes that itch of the shedding skin more intense and more motivating to let go of.

I have a deep desire to impact my subscribers and followers in a way that inspires them to craft their soul and free them Selves to run wild and free.

I am digging deep, letting my whole and authentic Self do the remodeling of this trans-formative fire.  I am not clear, but I'm moving forward.  I have no flippin' clue how this will all get done, but I'm slithering through the grass...sensing every ripple and flowing my course with that.

Now you know what is happening...Inquire Within is coming off and Soul Crating is emerging from under the skin of my soul.  Ahhhhh, feels good to be in the center of the fire.

Is there a piece of yourSelf that is itching to be shed?  In what ways do you ignore it?  What is under the skin, aching to emerge in you?

~~~~~~~

Nissa is a wild woman intuitive, writer, Shamanic practitioner and Soul Crafter. You can experience one on one sessions with her to awaken more of who you are through shamanic energy medicine. Either in person or online.  Contact her to schedule your appointment.

Back to Reflection

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My last post about perception and reflection was derailed by my own awareness of Self, which needed to be honored and heard; my wish is that this gave you a map or template from which to monitor your own stuff and turn it into something useful and good.  So, today I would like to re-rail this topic and dive into using it as a soul crafting tool.  You may (or may not) remember that it all started with this quote:

Your perception of me is a reflection of you. My reaction to you is an awareness of me.~askcoachbobbi.com

The first sentence of this was one of those light-switch moments of freedom from outside judgements and projections.  I notice that turning this idea into action keeps the weight of these outside influences out of my energy fields. And it keeps them out by the reflection aspect behaving like a repellant.  It sends the outside judgement back to the sender.  I also noticed that in this state of energetic freedom I am able to hear the other person better, not take their judgments personally, and hold my own strong center in dealing with them.  Holding a strong center for me is key to speaking my truth.  If I'm not in the center of my inner world, my truth is subject to the lies of others' illusions.  This can come in handy in SO many inter-personal relationships.  How many times have you taken on someone else's judgment of yourself and let that self-talk take you down a road that isn't even yours?  Have you ever taken to heart something your partner said about you as a truth, but in fact is their own wounds and triggers using perception of others to have a voice?  I know I sure have. This action of reflection also keeps the lines of energy clean and true.  What is yours is yours, and what is mine is mine.

This whole "perception is a reflection of you" thing bit me in the ass big time with my hubby.  I was being really critical of him one day, saying horrible and stupid things; when it hit me that my perception of him is a reflection of me.  The stuff I was saying to him was actually things that I do, and don't do.  I had to stop, process, apologize and forgive myself.  (gulp)  Then I had to speak my truth of it, I am the one who always..... I am the one who doesn't consider.... and so on. Pride took a hard fall that day, but I really experienced the power of this perception/reflection tool, and the responsibility of using it as well. 

Be careful to not judge others for judging you...judging others for judging you is simply perceiving them as a reflection of you. 

See, it's not balanced and right to think that you are never the problem...that it is always someone else's stuff influencing you.  I am realizing that the "return to sender" reflection is the first step; it keeps the energy boundaries clean between people (remember: what is theirs is theirs; what is mine is mine).  But then I'm noticing that within the the individual energy field, you must check in with what small aspect of you is the mirror of which the outside perception was reflecting.  This is where my Inquire Within magic really gets things poppin' and brings to life step 2. You have to look at that mirror within which triggered the outside perception; why is it there?  Is it still necessary for who you are?  Does it give you the material you need to soul craft?  Is it true?  Was it ever?  Does it need to be healed and released?  Does it need to be fed, nourished, and have a voice?  I think that conflict, criticism, or anything comes to you for a reason.  Which is why I love being able to hand back to the outside world what isn't mine; stay observant of my own inner world free and clear as to what I need to do to craft my soul...and my life...and who I am.

now, after those two steps.....

The second sentence of this quote is where the juicy empowerment begins to shine in the dark.  Choosing a {reaction/non-reaction/opinion/etc,} that is a truth from the awareness you gained by inquiring within to the inner mirror.  Action always brings empowerment to life.  You must actively choose from your awareness of your self. 

Now, let's put it all together....
  • Someone criticizes you for something you do. (their perception coming your way)
  • You notice it coming at you. You may feel nervous, angry, invaded, hurt, etc.  This is your indicator to "return to sender" by remembering that this is a reflection of themselves.  (be careful to not label what that is for them...that is theirs) 
  • In the clean, free, and clear space of your own stuff you look at the backside of that mirror they were looking at when they perceived you.  Something in you triggered them, what is it?  Is it necessary? Does it need fed or released? Could this criticism be true on some level, and could it be something worth looking at and using?
  • So, now you can see the criticism from your own eyes and not the eyes of the outside perception which is chalked full of someone else's wounds or ignorance's.  From your own perception of this reflection, you can choose what is true for you and how to react from an authentic place with a powerful voice.

Ahh, that just feels good.  Bringing it all back to the inner world just brings me to a solid, powerful, peaceful point of view.  I hope it does for you too.  If so, I challenge you to work this process next time you feel an outside perception of you being reflected, then let me know!  I'd love to hear from your experiences on the comment section of this post.

 

Nissa Howard is a soul crafter, writer, wild woman intuitive and the owner of Inquire Within; a sacred space of awakening, healing, digging deep, and discovering your truth.  She offers energy medicine and empowerment coaching using Shamanic healing techniques and intuitive reflection.  By providing sacred space to facilitate healing, workshops, growth, and discovering inner truth, she is a guide and technician into the wilderness of the inner world, where who you are is waiting to be discovered and where soul crafting takes root. Her goal is to empower others to empower themselves. The mind thinks, the heart feel, let the soul choose. Contact her today to schedule and appointment or register for a playshop. www.inquirewithin.me

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who gets to create? You do!!!!

I am stirring a cauldron of questions and curiosity and wonder.  Who dictates what gets created and by whom?  Why is there fear, resistance, insecurity, and doubt of worth when it comes to creating something new?  If humans are creator beings as we create with our thoughts, feelings, actions, and choices; then birthing something of your own voice and truth isn't shitting on the ones that came before you.  Right?  Look at the history of things and the how things evolve.  Where would the iPad be if there wasn't some universal permission to take something and tweek it into something else. (A-HA!) That is chemistry, that is alchemy, that is magic in essence!  Therefore, isn't it magical to life a live of creating that which comes from your soul, even if it is inspired by others?  Now, of course I'm not talking plagiarism or flat our copyright infringement.  I'm questioning the heaviness that is felt when you are seen as less than because you are doing something different that your clan, your teachers, your mentors, your elders.  I am also questioning the heaviness that is felt when you are seen as less than because you evolve a concept because it is what rings true for you.  And because it rings true for you, your belly lights on fire and you want to share this new way with others.  The grounded wild woman in me now brings into mind the cycle of life here, and the reflection of being open and encouraging of evolution of the newly born concept or item as it is being shared or taught.  Common sense reminds me that if you want to own the freedom to create, you must also give the freedom to create. When you learn something or apprentice to something, there are always those who come before you.  Their teachings, wisdom, and guidance is important and precious.  They should always be honored and credited for what they bring you.  But what if you take the teachings as inspiration and not law?  What could or would you create?  Is the heaviness mentioned earlier from them, from you, or from a rigid cultural paradigm that stems from fear?  I sense that the fear comes from a place of not wanting to forget where we came from, not wanting to loose parts of historic lessons. I can't help thinking that by honoring what was taught in tandem with what is being created from your soul, the solution is alive.  Bringing respect and gratitude to those that come before, and letting the new stuff radiate out of you...like there is a choice when the soul wakes up and says "I've got this thing to make happen!!!"

I've always been a bit of an outsider, wanting to fit in, but never really fully fitting in.  On the left of me, I'm to right for them.  On the right of me, I'm to left for them; and so on.  So, for me, I find it natural to just do stuff my way after a bit.  Then there is that "wanting to belong" nudge, that is accompanied by the "I want to learn something new" nudge, and those two elements attract great growth in exactly the right places.  For several years I've been studying core Shamanic healing through the LightSong School of Shamanic Studies.  Jan Engels-Smith is the founder of this school and it's amazing community of people.  There is not language yet for the gratitude I have for this community in my life.  It's like a soul family.  There are mirrors, cheerleaders, helpers, mentors, opportunities, and so much more.  I've had the pleasure of learning so much about core Shamanism, the healing crafts, and leadership.  This is the place I learned how to Shamanic journey, and from this skill my soul took inspiration from it, not law.

I remember my 1st and 2nd level classes.  We were supposed to get a power song.  I couldn't get one, I tried to force one or fake one to feel like I was "doing it right", but it just didn't come.  I reverted to my magical background and wove it into the lesson of filling with personal power.  In every journey there is a sense of going "out" into non-ordinary reality...and I did...but I found myself not complete with it.  So, the day after every class I would take my notes and redo the journeys at home.  I found that to feel complete with the journey, they were a sense of going "inward".  And they had a much different feel than the journeys I was being taught.  By the time I got toward the end of my 2nd level class, I allowed the inner or outer journney to happen...depending on the intention.  I just surrendered to trusting the process and let the world within unfold and grow.

The concept and practice of the Inner World has been one I've been teaching and soul crafting for a couple years now.  And from this place, the Inner World journey has been birthing itself as my own process of journeying.  It's ancestor is the Shamanic journey.  Its spirit carries shadows of the foundation brought to us by ancient ones.  It holds the elements and directions closely to it's heart.  It has it's own voice and process, and brings a unity of the other worlds into the universe of the soul.  It brings all elements into one world.  I've been doing this process of Inner World journey for several years now, and it only recently occurred to me to watch what I do and how I do it.  Holy ass smacks, it was cool!  It all unfolded so clearly that this is another way to journey, and from that moment on it has had a momentum and voice of it's own creating.  It wants to be shared, taught, explored and evolved.  So, I am listening, trusting and lifting the heaviness.  I am taking that leap by teaching this form of journeying along side the teaching of core Shamanic journey.  I have had clients express interest in learning how to journey, so I have put together a playshop on February 9th to do just that.  I will honor my roots and spread my wings as I open my heart for my soul's work to ooze out.

What does your soul want to create?

If you are interested in this playshop,  you can find it on my Facebook events page at www.facebook.com/inquirewithin.me OR on my website www.inquirewithin.me.  Next time you'll hear from me will be the first of February with your Inquire Within Monthly!  Have fun digging within, creating from soul, and dancing while you do it!

In The Balance

Three mornings ago I was up by the moon light shining on my face.  I decided to heed her call, made the coffee, poured it into my favorite mug, swaddled myself in a blankie, and meandered onto my back balcony.   I leaned into the railing and drank in the silvery glow of the moon.  Her light caressed the leaves and fruits of my garden, while the darkness still danced on the underside of the plants.  I felt my face illuminated with the strong mystery of the moon, and I felt myself pull into the still of my inner world.  I remained in the silvery darkness, the powerful stillness, and allowed myself to go deeper and deeper.  Uncovering meaning in the moment. After simmering in this magic of the moon, the sun began to stretch his rays into the sky on the other side of the earth.  The moon was still out and radiating her beauty, but the light of day began to step up.  The garden still glowing silver, and with an added ingredient of a new day.  The Eastern horizon kept grabbing my attention from the direction of the moon, so back and forth my open eyes veered.  Back and forth my heart desired the illuminated darkness of the moon and the promised newness of the sun.  Back and forth my soul gathered the radiance and wisdom of both.

By now, the sun had reached an equal billing of power as the moon.  Both energies standing in perfect unity on this planet without one being greater than the other.  This was a brief moment, but a profound moment that brought me to a place of balance I had not yet experienced.   A place of balance within that gave me a fresh pair of eyes to view myself with, a new voice to forgive myself with, and a new door in my soul to open and explore the world within.  This moment has been percolating for days, unfolding more and more of the whole picture that was in this moment of balance.

Then...it shifted...the moon kissed the sun and the sky good night,  turned her attention away and began a journey downward.  The sun grew in his power and the warmth began to glow.  The leaves and fruits of my garden were caressed in golden morning rays as the shadows lightened underneath.   A sense of rebirth, purity, new beginnings, and growth filled up the sky, the earth, the rest of the morning.  What an incredible gift this time of year is, this autumn, this fall.  It is delicious to the sense and food for the crafting of a soul.

As I have sat in the feelings and ideas and messages of that morning, I am in grand inspiration for the perfection of nature around us as it holds up a mirror to our soul....

How can we be in balance within us, holding the equal power of both the dark and the light?

How can we surrender to accepting and living our truth and not be out of balance with it?

How truly unwounded we are in the center of the light and the dark!

What do we need to let go of, and what do we need to let shine?

What can we do to feed the strength of our inner balance, so we root deeply into who we authentically are?

I invite you to journal your own thoughts or responses to these questions, and I challenge you to welcome the questions your soul asks after you answer these question.  Blessed be!

www.inquirewithin.me