The eyes of waning Summer

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Sometimes the best thing I can do for myself is a whole lotta nothin'.  #andsoitis #midweekweekend #ilovethislifenow #savoringsummer16

Sometimes the best thing I can do for myself is a whole lotta nothin'.
#andsoitis #midweekweekend #ilovethislifenow #savoringsummer16

Sitting outside in my strapless summer dress. Coffee in my coveted cauldron mug. Life book. And this luscious waning summer...warm and crisp perfection. I have recently spoke a very scary truth...I hate summer. It is a season of barely getting by energetically and I don’t love it like I “should”. Lammas can’t come soon enough for me. Now that it has and summer is waning...making room for fall...I can see the beauty again and I’m savoring the shit out of it.

 

This morning air reeks of shocking silence that follows the awareness that the season of turning in, going deep, and getting real. That sticky, sultry silence of itemizing what  is still not done. That pulsing silence that whispers of regret and mourning what you know cannot get done.

 

This morning air reeks of soft action and brutal compassion that seems to say…let it all go and enjoy today. What can be done is what will get done and that is enough. What isn’t done deserves some gestation during the winter and will be an easy joy to produce next season of turning outward. For now, let it all go and enjoy this day. You have done so much. Look at what you have done. See this checked off project list with the eyes of this luscious waning summer air...what do you see?

 

These eyes see how perfection is noticing the mess with affection and acceptance. These eyes know that to be of nature is to change slowly over time...not all in one season. These eyes see how healing isn’t a big bang...it’s made up of many little magical moments happening in every day, in any moment, all season long, every season, all life long. These eyes have no expectation of self of shift...all they see is now...all they know is now. These eyes know that life is a cauldron of tiny moments of change and every tiny moment is a molecule in the whole being of being a being of nature.


Slow and steady. These eyes. This air. Waning summer. Letting go and letting in. Slow and steady.

 

What do you see?

Wild, Free, and Lovin' It.

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horsejunipers Today's post was started back in September 2013. I've been nursing the wounds of belonging. So, with a shaky voice I'm done nursing...I belong in my bones.

I'm grateful for my country, hillbilly, farmin', huntin'-fishin'-muddin'-loggin' upbringing.  It showed me that the love of nature doesn't look like a national park advertisement.  I learned that to love nature means you have to BE a part of nature...being the hunted as well as the hunter. I learned that nature isn't a manicured trail that everyone walks on. I have experienced it bloody, bruised, held, soul fed, heart breaking and heart filling.   I'm grateful that I have seen how policy destroys nature but those who love nature choose nature stewardship over selling out for income somewhere else. The country life gave me my rebel medicine. Perseverance...survival...bad assery...slamming on the brakes to watch a deer, an elk, an eagle; regardless of who you may piss off behind you. The this "backwoods" culture, when the wild things show themselves to you, you stop and connect.

I'm grateful for my city exploration of life.  The intense amazement that humans can create massive structures.  The artistic creativity floating around like an airborne virus, just aching to find a host walking by that will say..."yes, I'll give you life".  It thrills me to feel how the creative energy of one fuels the creative energy of another. My soul soars to witness people give up so much to pour their every cell into their craft...into their inspirations. The city life helped me see and love people because there is so much variety to see and love. Perseverance...survival...bad assery...fierce commitment to passion.

I've been held in Christianity, Hinduism, Yoga spirituality, Witchraft, Shamanism, Buddhism, Reiki.  And there is beauty in all of these to me, I have learned so many skills and concepts. They all have a medicine and a poison to me though. The poison comes from living in the box the label is attached to. The medicine comes from broadening my perspective, which broadens the landscape of my wild inner world that I call my soul.  More landscape? More room to roam!!!

To me, labels are lassos; boxes are the corrals. Eck, just thinking this makes me want to run.

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The heart breaking thing is that all sides are uncomfortable around me being who I am because I contain within me a part of something that stirs their pot.  I feel their discomfort and it hurts me.  I feel this subtle need from them to somehow reconfigure me into a version of myself they can accept and handle.  My truth about this is...I get it, I understand...and it still hurts.

Today, I'm grateful that I don't have to exist in one corral or the other.  I'm grateful that every time I've been roped by a one group or the other I have somehow managed to shake the lasso off my neck before getting locked in and tied up. Intuitively bolting from the wranglers of righteousness to run wild and free yet again. I am meant to be a free range soul.  I want to migrate, learn, explore, and take a chance on my intuition.

I'm grateful that I can stand where I stand within myself and not have to claim "a side".  I see how those in one corral like to think their corral is right...it's the corral to be in, so they slander the corral across the way.  Saying how that corral has it all wrong and they are the reason for everything going wrong in their corral.  I see how the corral across the way thinks their corral is the right one to be in and believes that the other corral is the reason for everything going wrong with their corral.  See the pattern?  Back and forth...then another corral is built and filled and those first two corrals start finding ways to blame the new corral for the problems they have in their corrals.

I see that the problem is as simple as staying contained in any corral.  It's not humane, compassionate or progressive to surrender to the corral your in while blaming other corrals for why yours isn't what you want.  Jump a fence, kick down a post, knock down the fuckers that open and close the gate. RUN!  Scary, right? Where do you go? How will you survive?  What if you are alone?

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I have no real concrete point or ra-ra uplifting inspiration.  My heart is simply ready to tell it like it has been for me.  And I'm grateful that the heart ache allows me love both sides from my corral-free vantage point.  My deepest desire is for all corrals to let the other corrals live in their corrals in their own way and support the differences, instead of judging-mud slinging-and blame.  We could all be freed.  Regardless, I can't change those wranglers, nor those corrals. I can only act for myself. The action I choose is to be me, wild and free; roaming the soul land to accept myself so wholly that I can accept others I find along my life.  Corralled or not.

This last weekend I encountered some kindred spirits in this matter and it was just what this wild woman needed.  (more on this later...trust me, it's gooooood)

Feel free to share, post, or comment. Blessed be.

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PS....funny thing I stumbled on last week, in Celtic astrology, I'm a horse!  hahahahaha  Perfect.

 

My other...

I met my other at a rock concert. Me: in a naughty schoolgirl mini skirt and ready to get a bit crazy.  Him: dragged there by his sister-in-law and ready to slink into the walls.  The moment we saw each other: soul collision.  I blinked my eyes in slow motion and a flash of light went off in my head.  When I opened my eyes that dark music hall was atwitter with sparkles all around him.  The music went to the background.  I welcomed his eyes into my heart. For him, the music stopped all together, all he saw was me, all we wanted to see was me.  I didn't believe in my heart until then.  He didn't start living until then.

The rest of the night was a primal soul conversation of magnetic honesty.  We saw each other, plain and simple.  There was an other-worldy understanding of what we say in each other.  Authentic and brutally different than anything we’d known before.  The polarity of who we are as individuals filled in each other's blank spaces.  Life finally had a home.

Our first official date was within a week.  Engaged within 5 months.  Married now for 9 years.

Me: could do without the marriage thing.  Would be with him just because. We had to elope privately for  me to go through with it.  Him: always wanted to be married and couldn’t wait to have a ring on his finger.  What he’s learned from me about love: to feel love takes courage and self-exploration. What I learned from him about love: he was willing to take my name because it isn’t about man vs. woman to him, it’s about being one.  (with that, I proudly took his name)

This oneness has been the premise of our entire relationship.  Oneness is wholeness when both parties are who they are in harmony with the other. Harmony is not exempt nor independent of conflict. Harmony, however, does require respecting the other as a whole being separate from you.  I am in love with the fact that we do this for each other.  Our oneness is not at all contingent on us being the same.  In fact, our oneness thrives on us being different.

We’ve had epic brawls.  We’ve wounded each other.  It’s been bloody and messy, like a tornado tore through the village of our relationship.  I’ve said “I’m like an elk who migrates when the land is no longer nourishing”.  He’s replied with “no matter where you migrate to, that land is still me”.  I not only fell in love with, but continue to be in love with a partner who believes in us as a whole one.  This is a strength and a quality I respect so much it makes me melt with desire to be his...and him to be mine.

I drive him crazy with my fiery quick wit and passionate intensity.  He infuriates me with needing to think so long about how he feels.  I make him gut laugh so hard he cries and hugs me in appreciation.  He makes me feel like a Goddess because he puts my needs and wishes before his.  He can’t stand how my creative soul dances across the spectrum of things to do.  I want to punch him for trying to fix my problems.  I make him feel like a valuable man by telling him how proud of him I am.  He fills me up by believing in me.  It’s simple, we see each other as flawed, perfect, and whole.  We see our relationship as flawed, perfect, and whole.

He is a divine masculine who serves me because it makes him happy to see me feel beautifully pampered.  I am a divine feminine who feeds him with gratitude and purpose.  We are whole in our individual selves and whole in our oneness.  And we keep choosing each other.

It is Winter Solstice, the return of the sun...the return of all the masculine energy that comes with the sun.  As I'm stirring the cosmic waves of the Solstice this year my heart has flooded with gratitude for this man in my life.  He embodies the beauty, service, and power of the divine masculine.  I appreciate his BEing all that he is.  I believe that we need to honor the man/men who provide this earth the qualities masculine.  I offer a holla' out to all the good men out there who are wild, who are warriors at heart, who dare to brave the unjust world without violence in order to remain here and love their women.  The mystery of the Man is to be seen and allowed, not refined and corralled.  Welcome back, powerful masculine sun energy.  May this year be a year of healing and hearing our good Men.

The Medicine of Questioning

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What if every person was in their own authentic bubble, absolutely loving who they are and filling up their own space? Would the need to change others or feed off of others be gone? I believe I can only change myself, so naturally I need to look at my own bubble. I found it torn and leaking out all the amazing feeling of being me. And what do soul crafters do when they find something out of wholeness? We dig deep, own up, let go, and keep moving from the wild within... I have been healing wounds this year of not being accepted an appreciated for who I am.  I've been feeling so tossed around by the chasing of being accepted and loved in this life that I finally reached the blessed rock bottom (yes, I said BLESSED).  From the bottom, I heard that potent mirror inquiry of  "others not accepting and loving me for all of me is a reflection of something playing out within my wild inner world". This faces me front and center to the uncomfortable nudge that I am not accepting and loving all the faces of me. For, really, if I'm not accepting myself then I'm not bringing into my life others that will too. With this smack-up-side-the-head I grabbed my journal and went deeper.

This is what flowed:

What is the desire/drive/need behind wanting to change how others think, feel, believe, and choose?  What personal wound or trauma holds one in a place of needing to control others?  What positive movement is gained by only accepting those that only fit into one person's comfort zone?  Isn't this universe big enough for all to be supported?  Who's to say that what you disagree with isn't part of the evolution of humanity and it is necessary to the bigger picture that you aren't able to see?  And isn't it your choice in the moment to either grab onto the judgment line that leads to control and separation and dis-ease in life...or grab onto the possibility that there are no answers because there are too many answers...the possibility of what you dislike is actually a universal balancing that creates a wholeness to everything...the possibility that disagreeing too much with something brings you closer to becoming a version of it...the possibility that supporting every possibility without labeling or judging it will bring about the change and acceptance that every "group" claims they want.  Sure, the uncomfortable part of this is "can you actually DO this...in those every day moments?".  Can you have the awareness of the present WHILE knowing who you are well enough to support the other side?  Are you spending enough time talking to yourself and knowing who you are NOW....this week....this month...etc.?  How do you know what you agree with or disagree with, and does it really matter?  What happens when you know what is true?  How do you expect others to conform to your truth?  Why do you easily conform to others when you know it slows you down?

I mean...ummm...okay...yep, all good questions.  I find that taking a swim in a barrage of questions can lead to the freedom of not needing the answers.  Then, I can relax...surrender to the river and enjoy the down-stream floating of my life. Man, that feels good. To leisurely enjoy my life and savor every scent, sight, smell, and splash.

I am grateful for these senses.

Answering the Call of the Cave

Didn't think this was going to be shared.  But when the soul speaks, I listen.  So, anytime I offer soul inquiry on a video or a blog post; I myself take to the journal to answer the questions.  I do the work I offer you to do.  I walk beside you in process when you choose to dig deep too.  As a guide, I'm on the journey, the exploration with you.  So, my last blog post was an ass-kicker of a post in that I wasn't fully conscious of what was being written until it was done writing itself and the fire within impulsively sent it out anyway.  The questions at the end of the post were really gritty, and as I did the work of answering them it became clear to post my responses to share. Why?  Well, that is a good question.  My mind said "you're kidding, right? This is personal stuff, nobody wants to see this.  This makes me vulnerable and scared".  My heart said "ummm, yeah, this is scary but I get it. It feels like walking the talk. I feel naked, I feel like it's the right move to let the cave bare all.  I'm still scared though."  My soul said "there is more medicine in sharing then there is is teaching".

  • what is behind the avoidance of stillness? An incessant anxious fear that things don't get done in the stillness and things must get done!!! Thing is, getting all this outside stuff done makes me feel like I'm getting NOTHING done.  All the pushing is not a match for my centered power. Under THAT is the fear of owning the power beholden in the stillness...the truth that lies there calling me into something bigger...Under THAT is what if I loose what I love about my life when I step into that powerful truth from the stillness.  Under that is the courage to hold both what I love AND what is new because it feels exciting to take who and what I love with me into the adventure of awakening more.
  • what emotion pushes down the magic of an open heart? Exhaustion.  Feeling depleted and needing solitude.  Need better boundaries...compassionate boundaries...clear boundaries...
  • what thought is shackling creativity? Thinking that I'm pimping myself to the world with little return so why give out what isn't equally returned.   What I have to create is sacred to me so I must protect who sees it so it isn't tainted with the judgements and negative emotions it might stir in others.   And then I think why create at all if it means I've got to hide it.  This shackles me on the surface...but there is a deep resonate engine driving my creative inspirations upward and it is constantly pushing me forward regardless of the shackles that slow it down.  Is this what purpose does? Is this what purpose is?  A need to do or create something that the thinking mind could walk away from but the feeling and knowing never goes away.  Fuck, this is a trip into uncharted territory. 
  • who and what nurtures obstacles? (in order to protect the identity of the people, I've re-written this to be generally speaking) The agenda of so called diversity nurtures obstacles and the manipulation of this agenda not only nurtures but spreads the disease of separation which by itself is an obstacle.  (if this is unclear, you just may need to ask me about it sometime) The voices, tapes, and programs of "not doing it right", "not being trusted to handle things in a certain way" totally nurture my obstacles...I get that there is more than one way to do something, I just wish I could be treated with the same respect. Past and present people that hold me to my old patterns is a painful obstacle.  I nurture these obstacles by listening to the part of me that buys into this shit, that part of me that is wounded by this shit. That voice is clear, the rage around it is clear, and so it's easy to hear.  This part of me is so tiny, such a small pocket of who I am, but it,'s clarity is easy to see.  The rest of me, the bigger parts of me that are capable of helping this sad lil' part are not so clear...they are made of of air, fire, water, and earth...a bit more elusive and mysterious in their voice.  I guess I just need to be okay with this.  It helps to write this out, I see that I just need to spend some time loving and hearing that loud, wounded little piece of me.  There is powerful release of resistance in being heard.  I need to just take a moment, enter stillness with this piece and hear her wail, rage, and say all the gritty, dirty true things so they can become a different truth that his more helpful.  I also see that I'm nurturing obstacles by resisting the reorganization of people in my life.  Shits gotta shift.
  • who and what nurtures success? (again with the identity protection) Oh, my stars...am I blessed with a herd of truly amazing beings roaming with me in my inner circle or what?!?!  There are some true men that carry the medicine of the divine masculine and they inspire me to love my inner feminine. They are in service to those they love without keeping score...they serve because it feels good to, and this is a powerful gift.  I have a handful of women who transcend the energy around them.  These precious few close to my heart and soul are the ones who love all the versions of me, and I love all the versions of them. There is respect, and respect nurtures my desire to be successful...makes me feel like I can achieve it.  Feeling capable nurtures success.  A flexible structure nurtures success...solid foundation, flexible, evolving, remodeling all the time within the house on that solid foundation. Imbibing on creative actions nurture success.
  • what really matters? (the kind that when stripped from having STUFF, what stuff would you have?) Have a deep, true, happy and equal exchanging relationship with people that I love and that love me.  Those precious few that hold being authentic as a virtue.  I want relationships that breed feelings of elated joy, acceptance, challenge, growth, growth, accomplishment, perspective, connection, trust, and partnering...equal...diverse, learning from each other.  This is what matters to me...feeling in good relationship.
  • what do the feelings of what matters feel like? What kind of question is this?  Shit, it came from within me...weird.  Okay, gotta dig here...what matters feels like my heart is expanding so far out that I don't sense a boundary line.  What matters feels to me like this core truth that is so intrinsically woven into my soul that it has no language to speak it's message to my brain with....it is the heartbeat of my center.  What matters feels like pure energy flooding my muscles and bones and cells, providing respite from the aches and pains of the physical body.  What matters feels like wholeness in motion.

What does this sharing mean to you?

**please share if you are moved by this!