For years (in many years far, far away) I struggled with wanting to be seen the same way by everyone. A single version of myself, so to speak. I remember feeling so stressed and nervous to attend group functions because I was afraid that someone that knew me one on one would see me differently in that group setting. And they would. I wasn't the same person in a group as I am on an individual basis. And neither is anyone else. However, the anxiety still gripped me, and I found myself not engaging fully into the experience. Which led to not really having fun and just going because I should. Now, who wants to live like that?
A few years ago I was reading Women who run with the Wolves and this book had me deeply looking at my core, and how I live in the world. A spontaneous expression of poetry spewed out before me in my journal. It was an unconscious stream of heart and vision. It reads:
The many faces of me
When I look into the mirror of my soul, what is it I see?
The many faces of me.
I'm raw, refined, wild, and kind.
I'm dark and deep, hate it when I weep.
Giving birth to my inner pain contorts a face,
yet another glows with love and grace.
One is unappreciated, tired.
Another, glamorous and wired.
The "me" inside is all of these and more.
I own them, love them,
and if you will, see beyond the face you see.
Into the many faces of me.
When this altered writing was over, I remember thinking "huh, what a cool concept. I can't believe this came out of my spirit". It then remained hidden in my journal.
Fast forward another few years, and several journal books later. I was in a journey mediation and doing some reflective clearing of my Self the other day. This poem and the healing of it hit me as I relished in the progress of my path. I realized how much I've acclimated my many faces with welcome and freedom because I am so much more connected to my true Self. And from the space of true Self, you can be where you are in each moment without excuse or justification. Feel it, be it, and keep looking forward.
Each face of myself is an essential member of the collective of who I am. I see now that my true Self is calmly in the center of my being...my core. All my possible faces are available to use in any given situation. With awareness and intention, I am who I am with the face that I need; creating each moment, each opportunity by employing the face that best fits the situation.
No longer hiding or holding back. Embracing each moment.
May this inspire or ignite thought.