I am currently at the intersection of waiting for and begging for an a-ha moment. I want so badly to move past this not caring that I don't care. Traveling the road of waiting for an a-ha moment has been fairly painless this time around and I can acknowledge that it is mainly due to my willingness to surrender to the waiting. But, did this willingness to surrender create the sludge I'm in now and create the way for me to be so deeply stuck? This road of waiting is getting long though and I'm aching for better scenery. So I come to an intersection. Anticipating the a-ha and it's new direction. It's a rusty, dusty, tumbleweed intersection with nothing there and the disappointment plum runs me out of gas. I ker-clunk my ass in the middle of the road, facing new directions, waiting for a tow-truck to take me where I'll get filled up.
Enter: not caring that I don't care. At some point on this road of waiting for the a-ha moment, I stopped caring if I get one or if anything gets better. There are so many variables happening to feed this apathetic voice: "so many other people are doing what you want to do, it's already being done, don't bother" (FYI, this is the one that got me in the waiting for the a-ha in the first place....waiting for the awareness of that thing that makes what I do special and different). "I am tired of waiting, maybe I'm deluding myself in thinking I'm meant to rock the work I want to rock". And last, but not least: "nothing really matters, and it's all significant". (THIS one is both freedom giving and cage creating)
And when I give voice to this struggle a fire rumbles deep inside and is pretty pissed off that I'm letting this stick me at my intersection without any fuel. How did I get here with no reserves? What else is involved? Who else is involved? And what does that matter? The choice is mine...
This is a call out to my inner warriors...freedom fighters...and bravehearts. I'm sorry I pushed you to the shadows of my soul. Please come out, fully rested from the darkness, and kick this monsters' ass.
Thank you, and I can promise you that my willingness to surrender has taught me a valuable lesson on the value of what you bring my soul and my life.