I've been having some technical difficulties with my head/brain/physical vitality. And frankly, this pisses me off. It gets in the way of my get-r-done momentum. It triggers my resistance to perceiving myself as weak. It throws me into denial of giving myself some down time and self care. Because I find it difficult to find my value unless there is accomplishment and awesome-sauce success.
Truth bomb: I ignore it's early warning signs and it's gentle nudges in the beginning of it's conversations. I have stuff to do and create dammit! I just keep going until it ass ends me on the ground with limited energy to get back up. And by this time in the process I just want the difficulty over with so I frantically grasp for a quick fix. A miracle magic ka-boom that will get me back to my happy place of making shit happen.
I KNOW this is unreasonable. I know there is a broken-ness in me that looks at asking for help or taking self-care time like it's an alien invasion. Which looks like distrust, warrior up, prepare to defend and brace for losses. It sounds crazy-making to me to expect such an unsustainable pace. It's absolutely disconnecting to my wild ways when I reach for something outside of myself to fix the crash I put myself in.
Bigger truth bomb: there is no magic pill...no miracle ka-boom...no knight in shining massage table.
There is stopping when I find myself flat on the ground and look at the everyday messages in the stars and clouds. There is accepting responsibility that I pushed it too hard, gave too much, rested too little. There is taking the punishment that is the debilitating headaches. There is searching for the trail within myself that may be overgrown with brush, but will take me to a place of experiencing a love of life not yet felt. Just because I haven't found a way to cultivate sustainable wholeness doesn't mean it's not waiting in me to be discovered.
And I sure as hell ain't gunna find it with a magic pill.
In this pain I will search out what feels pleasing. So I can uncover the actions to keep in flow. In this exhaustion of being rode hard and put away wet I must search out the water within to clean up and soak in to restore. In the frustration of self-inflicted negative cycles I need to ask for the wisdom while waiting for it to unfold.
Getting knocked down like this is hitting me with an uncomfortable awareness that something has to change. And how fitting that right now is the change of the season in to Autumn. Season of harvest. Season of drawing energy and life force into the roots. My own season of cave time. So, yeah...change. What needs to change? How do I change it from my authentic truth as it is told right now? What words are needed to convey this change to my family, my tribe, and myself in a loving and clear way?
Feels heavy. Craving the need to shake it off and curl up for a bit. Curl up in the lap of my cave where there is stillness, solitude, wisdom and an abundance of time to process truthfully. No magic pill here. But, there is a path...
PS. I am human, doing the best I can with what I know at the moment. Perfectly imperfect with permission to fall off the soul craft wagon every now and then in order to honor the practice and process of being human. Which, ironically, is the crux of my soul craft philosophy! Haha, jokes on me! Thank goodness for mud on the face and ugly truths being told beautifully.
PPS. Is there a magic pill in your life that you are waiting for? What would be the side effects listed on this pill? What is it you want to pill to do for you that you aren't doing for yourself? Shit...those are some good questions. I'm going to go journal journey on those.